Forgetting

I've made up my mind to wipe you.
From my feelings, i will make this possible.
I am serious now.

I would rather be loved and love people who really love me.
Than give my love to people who don't deserve it and pushes it away.
Oh yea~ I've finally half awake from this stupid depression.
Depressed?? Over a guy? LIKE YOU?
NOT POSSIBLE.
even if it happened, i'll treat it as my dream.

Talking about dreams, finally i had a dream that doesn't involved blood and gore.
I can't remember what was the dream.
But i can remember drowning. :)

Mum, dad, i love u. XD
Even how pushy you guys get.
I know you guys want the best for me.
i just get angry sometimes when I can't stand it.
Sorry~

For you, the one i've been trying to forget,
getting into trouble.
Don't regret.

JW

The chat

I slept till it was nearly 12 in the noon today.
it sure feels great. Without the feeling of fearing tomorrow's quiz,
tomorrow's exam, tomorrow's class.

Then dota with my bro. It was crazy,
i think I'm kinda of addicted to it again.
Too bad I only remember how to use one hero..
Anyway we won like a boss.
First blood belongs to meeee.

Then I thought KC should be free by now,
he told me he'd be free by noon.
He promised to come find me like 3 days ago.
Then he told me he'd find me by 5pm.
Then the thought saying that, THATS NOT NOON.
crossed my mind.
Oh well it doesn't matter, was a bit disappointed because,
i got this feeling that we won't meet. after that one meeting.

Later on i went to tesco with my bro,
he wanted to get some snacks and mum wouldn't drive him there.
MH grab his stuff and threw it in his basket like a boss.

I was having this annoying allergy attack,
i took a pill then went to turn to on the aircond in my room,
ignoring the thought that my mum would come nagging me about the electric bill.

I think not even 5 minutes passed,
my mum calls for me, and she tells me KC is already in the house,
half eyed open I drag my zombified body down the stairs,
and there he is, the tall... giant friend of mine.

he introduced this korean reality show to me.
it was kind of funny, i laughed till my jaw was numb.

then it was time for him to go home,
i sent him and we chatted awhile in the car.
I think he doesn't want me to go into the house,
for some reasons, i didn't ask, pretended i didn't realize.
then we sang awhile too in the car, i missed the combination of his voice and mine.
and then he talked about my past. about the fight with me and my dad.
i was trying to hold the ugly image away from my mind,
but he demanded to know the details,
i tried to keep the tears forget the fear,
i can't it's still there, my tears came out just after a few sentences.
i laughed and then told KC i couldn't tell him more,
i don't want to talk about it anymore,
thats the reason i locked up this horrible memory,
i don't want to remember it,
but its still there.

its similar to what WP said to me last night,
even he said, he locked up the horrible memory of the girl he suddenly,
out of nowhere, fell in love with.
It's not gone, when the time comes, he will rmember her and the feeling,
to me, seriously i don't know what made him that way or
what the girl did so bad to make him change or what so ever.
i can feel he is hinting me to ask the question, for us to be together,
or so i thought, i don't know, because all these are just in my own head,
my own mind. they are just merely, my thoughts.

but no, to me, it's pointless to be with someone,
who has another person in mind,
who will cause him to act differently any time.
it's not worth for me, to let him know,
that I have feelings for him.
or even if he knows. I don't really care.
it's just that, it's not the right time.

until he completely forgets his ridiculous memory.
I will try to wipe him from my feelings.
try.. And so i have already tried more than half a year to wipe this feeling.

it feels like a nightmare.
reading what he was saying about that girl.
reading about how he feels.
the feeling of mine is un-describable.
i can feel this... heavy thing on my chest, it was so hard to breathe.
so damn dramatic. the feeling is so dramatic

now i know how Cha Chi Soo feels.

JW

아파

i can't breathe.
reading it.
can you hear it.
can you feel it?
can you?

I don't regret going.

Start of with the start of the day of the 14th of December, year 2012.
i couldn't slp the night before.
i was worrying about my calculus.
I was also worrying bout something, something else that i couldn't even name it myself.
Im not sure what's wrong with my head,
but it;s sure damn busy.
I set the alarm for me to get up a  bit early so that i can do some calculus exercise before i go to shchool.
I failed to get up and got up an hour later, well, im not that late anyway.
Went to school around 11am++
Still don't feel right.
I didn't really want to go to the party.
I just feel so...so unhappy.
I just want to go home after the calculus exam.

And i want to avoid spending time with him.
I'm afraid of these feelings.
I can't take anymore of this.
But i promised to fetch one of my friend.
So i had to go.
Or else she will missed out the fun that she had in mind.
And I don't want to be the one to make her miss the fun.

I tried to talk to him in a tough way,
act rough, ignoring him if i can.
It's so hard. -.-

My mood was really really bad that day.
I reached school and found my friends.
Most of them had finished their finals,
so they were watching movies and planning what to do later during the party.
I tried to shut off,
I was able to ignore their talk and focus on the sub topics I dont understand,
but I couldn't help myslef but wonder where is he,
he's not with us. Then I asked Shen. Shen said he went to sit alone in the Hawker Stall.
He is weird. I know. But some how.. Something attracts me to him.
I just wish i could get rid of the attraction.

Then later we went to celebrate 2 friend's belated birthday along with lunch.
My mood turn worse at that time.
I don't know what's wrong.
I just don't feel right.
I was thinking maybe I should pull out.
Tell CC i cant go anymore, i need to do something else or whut.
But then that doesn't sound right.

Worried about what my dad said to me the day before,
telling me maybe I should change my major.
he suggest many majors that I have no interest in.
And he indirectly said that the major i chosen is not good enough.
He's trying to push me to my limit.
I'm not that smart, i have my own ways but not super intelligent.
Can't he understand?

Worried about the calculus exam later.
My hands turned really cold thinking all of these at once.
I was really hungry but they waited to surprise 2 friends that are coming.
I just dont feel good at all.
I think i have a look on my face.
Because my friends all gave me a kind of look.
I just can't pull the frown away from my face.
I was so close to bursting into tears.
I don't know whats wrong.
What Am i doing in my life.
Am i picking the right path for myself.
What would it be like in the future.
Is it as scary as i imagined it to be.
Is it as lonely as I imagined it to be.

I wonder what does he think.
No.
What is he thinking.
Why is he distant himself from me.
When there are friends around.
And he doesn't mind getting close to me.
When nobody else is noticing.
Why.
He can ignore me all of a sudden.
And he can treat me in a way with all the warmth in the world.
Why.

During the surprise, as usual, he makes his distance from me.
Then we return to school. He still keeps a bit of distance even I'm kind of walking behind him.
I always feel uncomfortable when he does this.
Later on we used a empty class in lv9.
We studied there, I can't really study. I was freaking out. i need to relax.
I pushed away the notes and sat near GX.
Whenever he's around.
I always feel calmer.
We chat while Shen and WP studies.
Until the exam.

Well it went well.
Then I was having this headache.
I was having gastric pain.
I need food fast.
I can't really drive.
I was thinking i need to endure.
Getting really woozy. I need a bed and lie down.
Just hibernate there where nobody can disturb me.
But no.
This is reality.
My friends started to gather around and I didn't know there were 5 cars going to my friends party.
I thought, they were boys, im sure they pplanned it out well.
I thought wrong.
We walked out the gates without a plan.
CC was suppose to be sitting my car.
I stood behind them waiting for a decision.
I was getting so giddy and hungry. My legs feels wobbly.
Finally i got fed up and walked to my car.
Then WP made a decision to go with me.
Shen got shock. he asked why. CC can go with me
Wp said. TWO girls at night?
Shen nods.
Then...my plan of making my distance failed.
Completely.
He said, he will drive. I didn't ask anything,
I was so tired. I threw him the keys and went in the car.

4 cars that don't know the route to YY's house.
All followed wrong cars to different directions.
Thinking about it now, its kinda of funny.
And I dont know why YY drives so fast when you are suppose to let ur frens follow u from behind.
But I was getting more and more angry by the minute at that moment.
My temper was coming. I couldn't control it.
Not even if he's with me.
We all got kind of lost,
i kept calling them, (WP's handphone is dead)
And some of them don;t even pick up the bloody phone.
My stomach was so pain.
Well I guess i was kind of used to the pain.

We finally reached the address and it was wrong.
We went round and round and round.
I felt so sccrewwwed.
So pissed.. so tired...so sleepy.
I felt like i could just die right there and then.
But I kept my feelings to myself. I kept quiet.

Finally we reached the house.
And guess what, the soup isn't ready.
The boys cooked while I wait one side trying to relax. walking around the house.
trying to calm myself and my temper.
CC pulls out her phone and does what she does.
N complaint about the oil on her face and hair.
I was all out of energy and my headache is so annoying.
My stomach felt white. I feel like I would vomit anything i eat.
I kept mydistancefrom him.

The night was long and it will be longer.
That's because,
I can;t sleep later on.
Then we start eating.
After that we went to the nearby playground and blow water there.
I sat on the swing. It has been quite some time since I sat on a swing.
While they are all balancing on top of a see saw.
I mean like 8 or more of them all on the children see saw with springs.
Then they asked CC to sit on one side and pretended she was so heavy.
I got off the swing and walked to them they were joking about each others weight.
it was funny because the one being teased will respond in a weird way.

Then they all got off and say they want to start balancing all over again.
They said that they should start with the lighter ppl.
K sat on one side of the Seesaw.
THen someone proposed thtat I sit on the other side.
I walked over and sat we were nearly at equilibrium.
Then they were talking about something, i just spaced out in the middle of the crowd.
Then all of a sudden K suddenly stood up and i drop,
he sat down hard again, i nearly flew then he stood again.
I was being swung. I let out a little scream and grab anything for support around me.
When I realized, it was WP's arm I'm grabbing on.
/.\ when the fuck was he there.

I slowly let go and as they talk i space out again sitting there.
Then K goes again jumping up and down,
i scream again and reach for anything for support,
well Wp was there so i just grab it.
The thing is, he's arm is already raised and ready for me to hold on it.
My nails came out and dug inside his skin.
I was... shocked?
Scared? don't know. just surprised me again.
He said enough enough, Stop. He told K.

Then we played... something call hand ball?
And it later on turned to football.
Because the ground was semi wet, and the ball was getting dirty.
That;s how the blue black got on my foot.
I kept holding on to my pants while running after the ball,
because it was going to fall off.
I regret wearing that pants.

Later, everybody was sweaty and went back to YYs house.
Some of them bath and they said they wanna go for a movie.
So i told them if all of them bath,
We won't make it to the movies.
I wasnt planning to bath yet. Well at least affter the movies.
I'm pretty sure I smell nice.
I mean. I'm very, super, sensitive to smell.
And i know when I smell.

We went out after a few of us bath.
I made them stop walking out the gate,
I asked them to make a decision on who is sitting in who's car first.
They stopped there but don't know what to do.
Then they continued to walk out.
I just let it go, just do what you guys want,
I'm running out of energy.
And I thought i will be able to sleep after the movie.

I wanted to go with Shen.
But then he went to YY's car with N and WP also headed there.
Then the car was kinda full.
So i stood there awhile and turn around and head for EH's car.
With B and CC.
Then all of a sudden. WP makes his way to EH's car too and asked B to go to YY's car.
Then off we go.
Yet again, YY's sped off to the mall.
While we are the ones who don't know the route stayed behind.
Luckily CC kinda knows how to go.
I gave N a quick call and asked for directions.
She was.. kinda in some kind of panic attack.
She was talking weird.
Anyway we made it to the mall.
And was picking parking, we went around and the back of the mall.
There were rubbish at the sides,
a docking area and some spoiled trolleys at the side.
It was so damn quiet and looked dangerous.
The funny thing was we continue to drive through and thought it was a circle, and we could circle back.
We thought wrong. We ended up at the exit and the machine wouldn't let us out.
There was a big sign on top of the machine saying no free entry or something.

Finally EH parked near the docking area and near the entry.
It wasn't really the main entry.
Basically we are at the backyard of the shopping mall.
We went in and told YY to buy the tickets first.
Then when we reached the cinema's entrance.
They were not there.
EH gave them a call.
The shocking thing is, they say they were at the entrance of the cinema too.
The problem is we don't see them.
I rolled my eyes.
My temper was rising again.
This wouldn't happen if he waited. and dont drive so fucking fast.
It's so late, its not safe for a group to separate like this.
The mall was quiet. Shops closed expcept for some pub and the cinema.
WP went to ask the cinema workers wwhere are we.
I wondered if the people gave him a weird look or anything.
We're in a mall and he asks where are we.
They said IoI mall.
YY said they are in IOI mall too.
Same cinema. Entrance... different?
We later found out there are 2 entrance.
And finally entered the cinema.

It was so creepy.
Wanted to ask CC to go toilet with me. But then WP called out for me and disappeared out the cinema.
I wanted to go in and call CC, YY ask me to go with WP.
But when I went out, I don't see WP but heard his voice nearby.
I turned out the corridors and rushed in the ladies.
There was a tall black guy waiting outside the ladies.
It was. SUPER scary.
I finished my business and rushed out trying to remember where is the cinema I went in.
Finally found the seat near CC.

I purposely wanted to sit with WP.
It felt like there arent anymore chances like this.
So i just took it.
And it felt like i should sit there.
So I saw CC and the rest sitting on one row.
I head up to another row where YY was sitting.
It was so comfortable and with my headache.
I was kind of falling asleep.
It was kind of hard to find the seat.
it was dark, and none of my friends seated saw me tried to indicate they were sitting there.
Anyway probably me being sensitive.
When WP and EH walked in.
My heart was beating, and i kept repeating in my head.
WP sit beside me sit beside me.
WP always sits in the middle of friends,
he doesn't like sitting at the side.
I click my phone and the light sprays out and wave the phone at them.
WP sat beside me. Then my heart settles again.
And i was falling asleep.
My stomach feels white and sleepy and headache.

The movie starts,
i let down my hair and he asks me if my head was itchy. LOL.

my eyes are just so tired. they closed by themselves half way.
Then a loud noise came out and i pop my eye lids open.
I was so... sleepy. my eyes are sore and freakin cold.
The epic moment starts soon.
I realized that WP was sitting very close to me.
super close.
Maybe he's not used to sitting at the side where nobody is there,
so he leans over to me more.
He's shoulder is so close to me head,
i kept controlling my head not to lean,
then suddenly a thought came through and,
it said, this is a freakin chance,
just take it dont think just do.

i poke his arm and ask if i could lean on him
He says oh.
I lean and i can smell his sweet scent.
Yes i always liked that scent.
I think i'm kind of a pervert. =.=
My eyes closed itself, it was so comfortable.

I was afraid and kind of regret asking to lean on him,
i was afraid he wasn't comfortable with it.
but then he asked if he should sit higher for me to lean.
i mumble in respond. no energy.
feel.. dead.

I felt something touched my head but too tired to respond.
I wonder what was it.
It was kind of scary.

I kinda seeped his drink.
was so thirsty couldn't help it.
and he was okay with it.
Or so he looked like he's ok.
I don't know I can't read his mind.

he moved a bit and my head shoots up straight and leans on the cinema chair.
half eye opened watching the movie.
then i need to lean again i lean back on his shoulder,
lucky he was still there, same pose.
i needed support for my head.
that was when i realize my teeth was hitting each other.
I was wondering what's wrong.
then i realize i was cold.
the cinema was REALLY COLD.
he felt my tremble and asked softly if i was cold.
i forget what i responded. I only remember i was really blur.
after awhile he took off his jacket and gave it to me.
i took it and ask him to tell me if he's cold.
he grunt in respond.
i placed his jacket on my legs.

Then i continue to lean on his shoulder.
it felt really good. i wasn't able to sleep.
i couldn't, im enjoying the moment.
this is one in a million and it will never happen again.
it felt so sad and happy at the same time.
i continued to tremble and he felt it.
that was when he asked the most epic question.
the first time i felt my heart nearly falling out from my heart.

"Do u want me to hug u?
If its ok with u.."

i was shocked. i immediately got up and stare at him.
Trying to think really fast with my blur brain.
I quickly responded.

"are you ok with it?"

i laughed as if it was a casual question.
and continue to lean on my seat.
and thought for awhile, was what i heard real?
LOL
Calming myself down and worrying he would hear my heart beat.
I focus on the movie.
my adrenalin continues to pump into my head.
then i slowly got sleepy again.
then automatically leans on him.
i was trembling a lot. couldn't control the tremble.
he grunts and suddenly pushes me away, raises one of his hand
and asks me to lean on his chest, he says its warmer that way.
i took the suggestion straight away and lean on his chest.
so bllur, so blur i even wonder now did it really happened,
i can smell his sweet smell even more,
i wished time would stop there
for the first time, it felt so dramatic and for the first time i wanted the time to stop.

then when the movie was about to end,
i sat straight and watch it, while telling some small details of the movie to him.
the movie ends and we went home, walking out slowly of the cinema,
the mall and to the parking,
i want time to stop, it felt so good.
just being near him, feels so.. good.
but i know it will never be mine to hold.
so i appreciate what i can see and take chances being threw to me.

we went home and played cards,
while one by one we went to bath.


[TO BE UPDATED](1)

i think I'm the only one who has taken the most things into the bathroom with me,
among everyone else.
because CC gave me a kind of weird look.
I just giggled at her.
I came prepare.
I needed those stuff. I won't just simply plash some water on me and then get out.
If not whats the point of taking the bath?
I think I was the longest in there too.
CC asked me what I was doing in there.
I smiled in respond.
Then joined them with the caards.
I kept my towel on my head. it was really wet.
We played a game call "Lie".
It was really fun. Fun only when you lie all the time,
and if you don't, well you most probably win and it will be boring.
I won 2 times, and that was it I started playing silly,
purposely lying even when I have the cards,
it makes it more exciting that way,
rather than being so honest, I just lie my way through,
and thats when I never win again. XD

Later when EH went to bath, YY made noodles,
The sccent was so alluring, and I think i was hungry,
it felt weird. So i asked if i could take a few bites.
of course he let me.
then CC ate some too. It was so fun.
I took one spoon full after another,
i was so hungry. untill CC warned me to stop.
it was YY's noodles.
I laughed and push it back to him.

I think it was 4am++  already,
YY was the first one to fall asleep on the floor near us playing the cards.
Then CC went to sit aside, then we say its time to sleep.
It was 5am++ i think.
EH and Shen went to the couch near the sliding door next to the front door.
CC , WP and me shared a couch near the kitchen.
I sat there, while WP wrapped up like a mummy sitting awkwardly between me and CC.
He closed his eyes. I stare around myself unable to fall asleep.
That's when I start noticing many things. Like the light is still on,
YY looks cold on the floor, CC looks uncomfortable,
Shen and EH crammed together in the same small couch.
Soon Shen moved to the floor along with a pillow next to that couch.
I searched around for my panadol, turn off the lights for them. placed my jacket over CC's legs,
place a blanket over YY. Then I sat back down beside WP.
He didin't move at all. Still the same pose, I assume he slept.
Then I stood up again and unplug my phone from the kitchen.
then sit back down. supprisingly WP is still awake.
He started playing games on my handphone as soon as i placed it beside him.
I sat beside him, eyes wide, i was soon falling asleep then suddenly my own phone's screen flashed,
and i pop open my eyes and saw WP still playing games on my phone.

[to be updated](2)

Memories

For the first time in my life.
Being alone, it doesn't feel stupid.
Not anymore.
Reading on how CL's bf treats her in one of his tempers,
just reminds me of how complicated a relationship is.
Especially when you meet a person where his attitude doesn't fit.

Yes, being alone doesn't feel stupid anymore.
And i remember when I was together with you,
How stupid I felt, swallowing the tantrums you throw at me.
Engulfing the wrong that you push to me.
Yes.. how stupid I was.

JW

My fetish

I realized i love it when people try to read my emotion on my face.
Rather than me talking so much and people who thinks i'm trying to be dramatic.
And for this YH.
You had your chance, i gave in my feelings for you.
Cried for you. Understand you. Cope with your stress.
Even when I'm also in stress studying and going through a hard time.
I got sick of your old school consolation.
It annoys me. Because after you console me,
you start to act as if you did what you should now I
have to repay back what you did in 10 times.
Example, I was trying to write a program when I don't even know
how to program. You come and say everything is alright. I can do it.
Blah blah blah. Then, you find something to fight about,
example, me going out with friends. Then you get angry and crazy.
And make me the one to console you the other way round.
You say you're a man? Sorry, you're a kid. A child. Who is selfish.

I was trying to write this shit program and you make so much noise?
When i don't even care to look at the phone. You start sending cursing messages to my phone.
Just to see my phone flash gives me the pressure.
You don't stress me out?
YOU STRESS THE HELL OUT OF ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
If i continue to ignore you,
you will start talking about how poor your family is,
how sad your life is,
but you never once said you would think of a way to solve it.
Self pity is not a way to solve things, KID.
You blame your father, you blame your mother,
you blame your sister, you blame your brother,
this is not what a man will do.
I've never hear once that you will say that you were wrong.
You think you are so right, everybody on earth owes you.

"I tried. You didn't I'm done."

This was sooooooooo in my mind,
i got this from facebook.
I tried to cope with the stress you pressure on me
plus the stress from my school.
then again you tell me all about your work stress and
how your future is so dull.
I understand, i said i can cope.
You said we were of different worlds,
you should have not said that,
because to me whatever is said cannot be taken back.
This is not a game for a kid like you,
whom speak words only for your own comfort,
or saying it just to make you feel better.
This is not a theater, not a drama,
there is no script to it,
where you just say the words and get over it,
everything said will be printed in my head,
and judge as what type of person you are.

This is not a game,
when i say it's done, it's done.
You make me so helpless,
so helpless I couldn't think of anything to do.
I judge you wrongly.
You weren't the man I actually saw.
You were a girl hiding behind your mask.
You don't want to wake up on how cruel your world is,
you say i'm strong, you can't be like me.
When you say you can't, you meant that you don't want to.
Because it's tiring, it's difficult.
Then heed this again,
you're not a girl,
you're a man. If you continue to hide from everything the world has to bring to you,
you will be a girl forever,
you will stay like this forever,
if you had children,
they will be like you,
they won't fight for a future.

Now it's all over,
you can't get over me.
You regret the words you scream in my face.
You said before, that I think that you don't have the rights to be my boyfriend,
But that was all you saying,
I've never even said once that I think you have no rights,
you have no class,
yes now after what i SAW,
the part of you,
screaming,
shouting,
I understand, and I agreed to what you said.
Never put bad thoughts into people's mind,
especially me, I keep them. For verification later.
You kept sending me messages,
but I can tell you, the more you do this the more I can see
how desperate you are. Sorry my compassion has been eaten,
digested by you,
long ago when we were what we were.

Enough is enough.

I'm telling you,
You have no more chance, understand that.
So stop sending more and more messages to me.
To let me know that I'm still in your mind,
I have to be crude.
And yes, i'm sticking to my decision of BREAKING UP.
 Everytime i think of the things you did and said.
I am glad it is over.

OVER AND OUT.

JW

Dream

"My heart was thumping crazily. No, not because of someone. It's not because of feelings of passion and love. It was the feeling of being chased. To kill. To murder. To end your life. I kept silent as I watch someone whom I can't recognize or remember while he packs. Quietly I stare around me. We are in the middle of some kind of desert. Where our small hut is just beside a really big road. Hot wind blows pass us. Then all of a sudden he rushes me and a younger boy into the car. I took the front seat and the boy took the seat at the back. We are in an inova. My dad car is a Toyota Inova.

Then I saw it. As the car roars to life I look to the back mirror of our car. A man riding a horse closing up in us. The man driving hits the accelerator real hard and we got on the road collecting speed as we proceed. I automatically clip my seat belt into place and held tight on my bag. My hands were sweating. Our speed is going too fast. My eyes budge larger and look for the person chasing us. Logically he can't chase us because he's riding a horse. It's just a horse. But there he is just beside us on the driver's side.

That's when our windows slide down and he raises his bow at the driver. My heart beats faster, my breathing increased, my pulse is jumping all around my body like crazy. The driver tries to pull up the windows as he drive. Our speed was crazy and as he tried to search for the window button and his other hand on the steering wasn't  stable. We shook a little from left to right. As the windows are closing I relaxed a bit. That's when the most ridiculous thing happened. The man on the horse raises his arm and the window goes down again. What was that? Some sort of magic?? The driver struggle to keep the car stable while flinging the window switch.

I feel it. I feel it was time. I look away from the man on the horse the driver and the boy. I looked away and shut my eyes and held tight on the seat belt. I let out a slow breath. There was silence, there was the sound of the wind and the speed of the car. Then the sound of an arrow being shot and hitting a target. I shook as I heard the arrow hitting something. I knew it hit the driver. I knew it hit on the neck. A second arrow was shot. then the whole car flips."

I shot my eyelids up. It was freezing and i checked the time, it was 5.09am. My heart beat was beating and jumping really fast. I turn and try to rub the fuzzy dream out of my head. I wipe away the feelings. Then I slowly melt away into my bed again falling asleep.

"I was having a sleepover at CL's place. We were spreading out a mattress on the wooden floor. We seem to be in a wooden cottage. There was a computer behind me sitting on top of a woodden desk. Eveything in the room was dull, it was all.. wood. I could hear CL talking but couldn't make out the words. And there was someone else with us in the room spreading the bed too. but I couldn't make out who was that.They were talking about a spirit who kills. I laugh away their talk and inside I was afraid.   It was I could feel the presence of the spirit and I know it is real.

They shut the lights, and place a very weird piece of paper on their forehead with weird writings on it. I didn't want to put that on my forehead . I thought it won't be anything, it's just a story about the spirit, I'll be okay. After a few minutes, i could hear something rushing towards our room from the outside. I squeeze my eyes shut, the noise seem to not bother CL and her other friend. The door flung open and something rushes in and then silence. I slowly peep through my eyelids, and there it is right infront of my face some thing like a shadow, black with red blood shot eyes."

After that my dad came to bug me to study when I was eating my breakfast. I know he's bugging me for my own good. But it really gets on my nerves because when I had it all plan out I don't like someone else telling me what to do. It;s my personal issue, i know.

JW

Stuck in anxiety

I don't know why am i getting so restless.
I don't know why am I feeling so uncomfortable with nearly everything.
Usually i would go watch some movies.
Now i just end up downloading the movies and didn't even open them to watch.
I just leave it to download and go do some doodling drawings.

Everything i do doesn't feel right.
I don't know what's wrong.
...

JW

No i'm not the girls with flowers

The scent of honey.

and the personality of an angel.

I'm only being me.

I will change when conditions push me to.

I will remain unchanged when I feel its right.

Yes I am not alike as I should be.

Call me weird but I'm just.. perhaps..

Just different.

Comment as you please.

Taunt as you like.

Even it hurts me but I don't show.

Leave me.

Sitting with everyone.

But feeling alone.

What does this feeling define?

It seems like silence is the best friend i could have.

When i'm alone.

When i'm with everyone.

I feel terribly emo..

Why.

Depressing.

Stressful.

Tired.

Excited

I checked my program at school today.
Apparently i have many problems. But lucky they are all minor ones.
And i forget to put in a function that is needed.
Well with my friend's help. I finally got it done.
He tried to teach me and let me do the function myself at first.
But i haven't got enough sleep and just too tired to think.
I end up starring at the screen for really long time and my head was so painful.
In the end he said he felt sorry for me.
Cuz i can't even get the simple things done.
Well.. I can't help it. :)

Despite what he said.
Thanks to him i can get the shit program done.
Still with minor problems.
I think its with the loop issue.

Oh well.. I hope i do it in the right order tomorrow for teacher.
So that i don't show her the lackings in my program.
Gastric now. And i needa go sleep fast.
I need rest. but i found a different version of Warm Bodies.
(Or so I thought it's different.)
Its says Library edition.
And it's kinda big file.
I wanna see if it's similar or more details.
Cuz the ebook i downloaded.
Seems like it's jumping around alot.
And the ending seems to be hanging.

Anyway.. signing off..

Dang program.

JW

=.=

finally done.. fked program.
i'll check if theres a problem tmr at school.
so exhausted.
and i've finish reading Warm Bodies.
The ending was quite disappointing.
I hope they do it better in the movies.

[0016] signing off.

JW

oh java u are killin me

public static void methodAdd (Book [] booksA) {
    boolean c = false; int index=0;
    int bISBN=0;
    double price=0;
    String title=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input book name:");
    for (int i=0; i        if (title.equals(booksA[i].getTitle())){
        c = true;
        index=i;
                break;
    }}
    if(c)
    {
        JOptionPane.showMessageDialog(null,"Book is already recorded."
                + "\n"+booksA[index].toString());
        return;
    }
    String author=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input author for "+
            "["+title+"]"+":");
    String publisher=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input publisher for "
            +"["+title+"]"+":");
    String category=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input category for "+
            "["+title+"]"+":");
    do{
    if(bISBN<0 p="p">        bISBN=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Book "
                   + "ISBN is invalid."
                    + "\n Enter again."));  }

        else {
            bISBN=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter "
            + "Book ISBN for "+"["+title+"]"+":\n(*Please note that it is a "
            + "code of 4 numbers only.)"));  }
        }while(bISBN<0 p="p"> 
    do{
    if(price<0 p="p">     price=Double.parseDouble(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("(Price "
             + "must be more than 0)\nEnter the price again for "
             +"["+title+"]"+""));  }
    else{
    price=Double.parseDouble(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter"
            + " the price for "+"["+title+"]"+":"));
    }}while(price<0 p="p">    booksA[Book.BookCount]=new Book(title,publisher,author,category,
            bISBN,price);
    JOptionPane.showMessageDialog (null,"Book is successfully recorded.");
    }

public static void methodSearch (Book [] booksA) {
    String key;
    int isbn;
    int index = 0;
    boolean c = false;
    int selection,selection2;
    while(true){
    selection=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Select search mode."
            + "\n1.Search through Book's Category."
            + "\n2.Search through Book's ISBN."
            + "\n3.Search through Book Title."
            + "\n4.Search through Book's Author."
            + "\n5.Exit"));
    switch(selection) {
    case 1 :
         key=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter category of book for search."
            + "\n(*Note only added books can be found.");
    for(int i =0; i        if(key.equals(booksA[i].getCategory())){

BLAH BLAH BLAH.
=-=
when i write it. it's fun.
ONLY WHEN I DON'T HIT PROBLEMS.
When i get the program to work.
IT'S EVEN MORE FUN.

its not done yet..
And so the teacher said it will be easy.
What a big fat lie.
LIAR!
I need to present this on tuesday..
So worried.

So hungry right now.
Its 11.58pm.
i need food. I could feel my stomach turning white.
I need food.

JW

Evolving backwards it seems

I stare at my laptop screen. Doing nothing. Just starring.
Thinking about tomorrow's assignment that I'm suppose to start doing.
The fear slowly creeps in.
Doubt in form of questions formed.
"What if i can't write the program."
"What if there's nothing i can present"
"What if he doesn't help me."
"You better start doing now or u'll regret."

Still frozed. Starring at my laptop screen.
Unsure of what to do. To watch movie to entertain myself.
Or to start doing the assignment.
I couldn't make a decision.
I hate these moments. It makes me really uneasy.

I found a book i really liked. After watching the trailer of a movie.
coming out in 2013. Well i really liked the main actor of that movie.
And the story is really interesting.
I decided to go find the story book, buy it and read.
Instead. Malaysia's book store just lets me down.
I end up wasting my time at the MPH staring at a bunch of young adult books.
Unable to get what i wanted.
When i reached home. My dad told me i could try to search online reading it there.
I found it
Even more easier to go buy the book.
I can now read it in my phone too. I wanted to print out.
But then it will take alot of time standing infront of the printer.
And use up lots of ink and paper.

I realized the feelings of love for someone else.
The feelings of relating.
The fact I'm being really sensitive.
It's just a burden. Maybe i should learn to dump such feelings.
I've been reading the Book. And it seems i would like to change with him.
The feelings. He can't feel. He can for a moment. And then he will forget.
After all. he's a zombie.
The book's really interesting. the way the author describes situations.
And the feelings felt by the main character.
It's really realistic. Kinda messy though. Cuz everytime he eats someone's brain. He will get memories.
Especially when he eats that particular guy's brain.
It's really different from Darren Shan's way of writing.

Though either authors are nice.
But it's fresh to read from a different author.

There's no one to talk to now.
Some times it feels cool.
Other times it just feels empty.
Though. I've got accustomed to it.
So i guess I'm okay.
Anyway.. I think its time for me to sign off and sleep.
Or maybe continue to read the book on my bed.
Who knows.
My brain always struggles with decisions like that.
And end up with mostly bad decisions.
Either way. I will cope.

Goodnight.

JW

18.11.12

My Sunday is coming to an end. Sadly..

School is gonna start. And i feel the pressure.

The pressure given by my parents. 

I can't sit still. I can't stand still.

To sit or to stand. I couldnt decide.

I was stuck with my decision.

I made the decision to not let us continue.

Yet he couldn't let go of me.

I don't know what to do.

Everytime I say no to him.

He will secretly cry and i will sure catch his tears falling off his face.

I don't know what else to do anymore.

I feel like the bad guy torturing him.

But.. stubbornness is a gift i have. I guess i will lean on that for strength to continue.

My teacher is going to give out our test 2 results for java tomorrow.

I'm very worried..I can't fail...very worried..

My parents say i don't look stress at all.

Unlike my sister. 

Well... they always forget an important thing..

an important fact..

I'm not my sister.

I don't show anything on my face.

I prefer to keep it. and worry alone.

Nice song that i recently fell in love with.

...

JW 

15.11.12

i was just really frustrated that my dad chased my friend out of my house so i could study. The next morning i wouldn't wanna wake up because there was a really complicated programming shit that i need to do for assignment.

And now i'm hungry and thought that my mum would pack lunch for me. uh oh.
My bro gave the wrong signal and she was not packing lunch for me.
Now i was searching for some sausages to cook with my french toast and found out there are no more sausages in the freezer. ==

i'm really hungry.. wtf..
and i found out that my bro is trying not to talk to me. because i gave him one of my dont annoy me looks last night.
i missed breakfast. because of him.
mum told him to ask me to eat a cake that was near my cup.
then i missed lunch cuz of a misunderstanding.
fk bro. o0 o0o 0o 0o 0o0o

JW

8/11/2012

Here and back again. My world is all left with Work. Misery. and Loneliness.

Another Emo Tantrum

I realized the people around me are of these types:

- they take and never ask
- they take and never appreciate
- they take and blame
- they're here when they need help, but gone when they don't need any.
- they forget and never appreciate
- they couldn't care less anything else except for themselves

I guess i'm hugging my dear pillow and with my blanket absorbing my tears to sleep again.

I misjudged. I seem to always do that recently.
And so I thought my brilliant brain is that intelligent,
i was wrong.
I misjudged,
i made a wrong choice.
I regret..

I'm sorry I couldn't bow down and apologize for what I didn't do.
If I did, it would be a lie.
And I couldn't push myself to lie to you any longer.

curious, how could the previous one last so long, when it is even harder to swallow than what is happening now.

I appreciate too much. I couldn't let go of someone who loves me,
but in the same time, hurts me. That should answer my curiosity.

Was i.. wrong?
Am i.. wrong?

I shouldn't have started.
Look at me,
i'm torturing myself and another at the same time now.
Both personalities that won't give way.
He who posses a prince's attitude,
and me with a princess's.
I shouldn't have accepted.

It would have hurt less,
if he had just said sorry,
and tell me not to be sad,
That would be enough.
He continuously asking ridiculous questions,
saying ridiculous things,
making me even more angry.

He asked me what did I want him to do.
He apologized, what did I want more.
He asked so.

I would want to ask him the same thing.
What do you want me to do instead?

I kept quiet keeping all thoughts only to myself.
Or it will turn into a fight.
I'm just so...ridiculous.
"intelligent" brain I have there.

I feel much more better now.
But not having someone to listen,
just makes me feel really...
lonely..
Like.. no one is there for me.

Like.. there's really no one at all..

Just my imagination...
and me..
We stand.. alone.

JW

Sensitiveness is not a good tool.

I heard a buzz out of nowhere,
It suddenly brighten up my mood,
thinking it was you,
no i was wrong,
it wasn't my phone,
you're way too busy and tired to talk today..
I guess I should have seen this coming,

the promises before we started were a lie,
i knew it,
but I still forced myself to enter such danger waters.
I know I'm... stupid.
Sigh...

Feels sad,
but sad for nothing.
I couldn't find a reason to tell me why am I sad yet.
Haha..
Just wasted my time waiting for you.

I felt this before,
I felt it again,

You won't tell me your problems.
Am I that no dependable?
I felt left out,
transparent I am.

Oh my emo thoughts,
they just can't seem to leave me alone.

I just miss you..
Even I just saw you,
the moment we part,
I started to miss you,
emotions I have hard time to express.
Can you feel me?

JW

Welcome to pressure.

the clock is ticking,
My mind ain't running,
I'm really trying,
but yet here I'm humming,
humming this song saying loving,
loving you it is my darling.

What I'm trying to say is..
Ahem hem..
My finals are near,
and i need 50 marks and above to pass,
but with my own brain cells,
i can only get 47 in the first test.
Before the second test,
i got into a small fight with YH,
it made my mind blank,
my stomach goes into gastric condition.

When i was at college my friends even told me there was one of the chapter i focused a lot in,
won't be coming out in the writing part.
I was damn stunned.
I really hate that feeling... swt.

Anyway,
when i was at my lowest,
 i heard my friends mumbling about plans later during the exam,
I heard them having various ideas.
It was tempting.
really tempting,
since i already have nothing to lose,
my brain was empty,
all that i've memorized is cleared off,
i decided to go with their PLans,
plan A, plan B, plan C.
:DD

Anyway, i lack of 50++ marks to pass my damn history,
i hope i can do it.
i really do. I dont wanna retake this shit subject,
its killling me,
3 months without calculus is already suffering.
i needed to calculate something,
i missed calculus. : (

I was trying to multi box a damn online game yesterday,
i failed,
the hack machines were overwritten by the Game Master,
all hacks are not working,
and none of my friends are playing,
its really hard to get stuff without back up.

and this happens when u can't multibox a game,

I mulit-computer. controlling 2 computers at a time,
it's really fun but mind torturing,
cuz sometimes i picked up the wrong mouse to the wrong computer and wondered for that 0.5 sec why didn't the cursor moved.

Well at least I still have a bunch of friends that i can depend on,
even that they are sometimes overwhelm by their playfulness.

This Are my 'brothers' for now.
Clockwise : Shen(GOD) , Guixian, Wuping, and me.

Though i still think that boys are more trust worthy than girls,
maybe it's because i've been betrayed way too many times by my 'girl best friends'
Maybe it's nature I'm a t the boy side,
Well I'm glad I can find 'brothers'. Being in the trustworthy zone,
It feels like... everything is alright.
I can't mix around much,
when you are like me and found a few friends,
whom you can trust,
and they don't bully you,
you won't ask for anything more.

I have totally no more feelings for dear butterfly,
my guiltiness has also passed,
Like GX said, butterfly is way too... weird!

My allregies are really a pain in the ass,
i can't eat this or that,
can't do this or do that,
feels like a freakin cage!
now i'm having inflamation on my lymph nodes on my neck,
and it's making my tongue numb again,
cuz of the dust when i was flipping through some old photo albums awhile ago.

Anyway, i pray I PASS MY HISTORY EXAM.
HIS251 C++
PLEASE!!!

JW

Trying to get closer.

Girl :Time together is just never quite enough..

Boy :When you and I are alone, I never felt a way home.
Girl :What will it make to break this hint of love,
Boy :We need time, only time.

Girl :When we're apart what are you thinking of?
Boy :It this is what i call home, why do I feel so alone.
Girl :So darling tell me do you wish we fall in love,
Boy :All the time, all the time.

When there came a chance,
i would sing this melody to you.
"So darling tell me do you wish we fall in love~"

To be hurt again. is to open up an old scar.

Just as I started to believe in you,
and putting affections into you.

You hurt me.

I just feel like a bubble.
You don't know what you want.
Stop torturing me.
I don't think things like so are games.

JW

My heart starts to ache..

June 16 1.08am

The feeling comes to me telling I should write this in chinese.

Yes.. writing it in chinese makes me feel better

Because it seems as if i am talking directly to you.

你的话我只敢相信一半。要我相信得完完全全，只怕会伤到自己。
你所说的话，都会弄得我心软。

是真是假我看不出，是玩还是认真我也看不到。
一点安全感都没有。

如果你感觉到真的是喜欢我，请表达点真心的给我看。
不然，请你搞清楚你对我的感情在解释清楚。

如果还要我假下去我快要做不了了。我很辛苦的，努力的，在压着我对你的感情，
你明白吗？

我希望你是明白的，因为我就快忍不了了。
现在最怕的是，受害的只有我。因为，我就快要真的，真的，喜欢你了。

哎，好累啊。

And the butterfly i caught seems to be flying away too..
dear butterfly..

Can't get the stuff i study in my head.

I was studying history for my very vvery close up coming exam.
I can't seem to focus.
It was few seconds of concentration and then .. a person.
-.-

I decided to eat something weird today for lunch.
Mostly on Sundays i would follow my mum to the club for basketball.
And I will eat lunch there.
I decided to stay at home to study.
So i made something.. i never ate before as a combination.

At first I made noodles. -.-
haven't been cooking since.. few months ago.

Then decided to add an egg.

 The egg looks rather nice here.
Until I ate it and realized its too salty. -.-

 Weird lunch.

Add coke. <3
















Back to study. -.- Needa wash toilet later.
I can't make out if he's toying me or he's really serious.
I'll pretend.. nothing happened between us. -.-
I can't focus.

JW

"How's Life?"

This are my answers.

Didn't update my blog much. I guess i was too busy or either too tired to.
Or perhaps just fed up.

May 11 6.36pm

Dinner with usual Gintama accompanying me.

















May 12 1.50am
It's late now. And my sister has not returned. I stare quietly at the bed being placed right beside mine. Unable to fall asleep once again. I observed the mess on her bed and wondered when would she come home. I shut my eyes and try to fall asleep again but my mind was still busy and tthe creaking noises in my room are becoming clearer. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep...

May 13 10.05pm
Surprisingly within 2 to 3 minutes i can take up to 26 self shot pics.
(The way the americans says cam whoring is just way too disgusting for me to use on myself.)

May 15 1.32am
I'm listening to music through the iPod, and suddenly a glimpse of myself kissing my dear Tort came into view. As I was getting ready to leave the house. I was going to the states, i was really afraid. Yet others await for the future to come I was afraid of it. The mere future of me living alone and leaving my Tort, mum, my room, my bed, my pillow, blanket..

I shook my head violently to get rid of that scary scene in my head and to prevent the growing tears in my eyes from overflowing. I'm afraid of being alone. Even it seems i can stand to be alone. i was really afraid of it. I can't stand such feelings, and i won't dare to tell my mum or anyone i fear such ridiculous occurring. Foolish me.

Future I fear you, yet i would really want to know the future of me creating programs and firewalls or honeypots.

This mere thoughts are causing me to have slight bipolar symptoms. My mood swings and I don't know which of those are my true ones.

May17 1.33am
Here and again, alone, even she's back it's sstill lonely, the bed a metre awat from me, empty. It seems as though you haven't returned at all, or you had, but just being yourself neglecting family as you had always been. My heart aches. You left me way sooner than you should.

It feels as if I don't recognize you as whom you were anymore. I'm lonely, and when family is the only thing i could lean to, you're not around, mum's too tired to bother. I'm lonely, college friends won't look for me, my bunch of friends are breaking up. I wonder where could I lean to now.

Is it just me being too sensitive, and I'm never alone, then tell me, why am I the only one who feels like there's no one talking to me when I need company. Why is there none who asks me out for group gatherings, ling leans towards her game for company from players in there, me? I can't mix around there, I just can't.

Here and again I listen to my dear and loyal friend who sings to me when I need music. My usual comforting pillow and these sheets that absorbed my tears as they were gentle hands wiping my tears away.

Hence and back again, I'm alone.

May 25 11.20pm
It feels like I'm being used. But I've snapped out of it now. Now I just wanna try to help her as much as possible as I could. I couldn't care less even if she is using me.
It's okay. I don't mind anymore.

May 29 12.05am
Oh dear butterfly, your colors shines so bright.
Oh dear the friendly lies, were they the truth or was it just a lie.
For times that i clutch my heart so hard, that repetitive tears cries in my swollen eyes.
A loyal heart I presented as a dear dear friend.
And the company that you needed and I had spent.
Was it something that you take for granted.
Am I just a comforting object that thou had just accepted?

I weep in the company of loyal objects but not a living with a heart.
May I ask you, where were you when I was in the dark?
Throughout the years that i had lived,
A cold thought told me a true friend cannot be forgot.
And it led to another thought,
" A true friend is never easy to be forgot, because a friend with a loyal heart is never easy to be found and with their heart locked in a box. "

I'm an excuse. But not a friend.
I'm a tool. But never a man.
With my heart that solemnly aches.
Thou will not cared even if it stops.

June 5 11.42pm
Will you be mine, or are you just a pass by-ing little butterfly?

If you are, can you please get out of my head because I'm starting to realize its getting harder to breathe just by looking at you. It aches to know you're just passing by.
My dear little butterfly.

Jun 7 3.04pm
I brought my laptop to school today.
I'm in the train now and the perfume of the Malay ladies are choking me up.
I stuffed my face into the back of my laptop bag.
It has the scent of his car.
while i was in his car my bag must have absorbed the scent.
I'm in trouble now, everything he does and owns looks so wonderful and perfect.
I'm in trouble.
I continues to enjoy the scent with my eyes closed.
He seems very popular with girls I guess i won't be his type.
I'll just sit aside and enjoy the view of this beautiful butterfly.

JW

Life

I got an ipod.
My sis gave it to me.
Even the screen is cracked,
it's still usable.
I jailbroke it myself too.
I regret for not taking a picture of the ipod,
when the computer was hacking into the ipod.
Such beautiful images.
Stucked up in my head.

The screen was black, white words emerging one after another.
I was too excited when i saw it happening.
I love it.
I just managed to took a snap of me installing the jailbreak stuff.
But it's really similar with the ipod black screen encrypting it.

Beautiful.

I was so happy.
and today i feel like it was end of the world.
I realized.
I.. don't have much friends.
haha..
Its just CL.
and when she's not around.
It just. Me.
I pushed many away from me.

Do you think I have bipolar disorder?
haha.. or dissociative disorder?

When there's nothing to be busy thinking about,
I tend to make my own world seem so dark.

I guess I'll just go curl up and fall asleep now.
Its 6 in the evening, and i just want to disappear.

Nah.. is this emo?
No. I still deny being an emo.

MCR rock on.

JW

Growing up is such a pain

I felt bad enough because i didn't actually know what time the office would open.

You guys bug and scolded me.

I'm alright. It was my fault after all.

I studied. Then game. 

As what you will tell me to do.

The college is far enough for me.

You guys tell me to should have go get a train there.

and settle it myself.

If it wasn't that far, i'd go,

if it wasn't full of shitty services there, I'd go.

If it wasn't because of the fucking train that would delay or cancel as they please,I'd fucking go.

If it was filled with my friends, I'd go.

Now i pay the price again for not going,

today.

you got angry.

you scolded me. again.

you blame me for not staying back there.

you let it out on the way you drive.

i'm fine.

I'm alright. it was MY FAULT after all.

And you said,

why do I always like to rush home and hide.

thats not the way.

i should stay with my friends,

talk about what subjects to take properly and not rush.

and you said,

going out with CL and my FRIENDS. IS RUBBISH. 

u said. 是废的。

to you, yea it is. there not you're friends, i don;t fucking blame you.

talk and talk and talk.

scold go ahead scold.

you said, i'm growing up.

i should know how to make decisions.

I swallowed my pride,

and for the first time in my life.

I actually meant to apologize to you.

I said Sorry.

And you were like.

"I couldn't hear it. what the fuck are you saying? JUST LISTEN TO ME."

that's why i NEVER thought of apologizing to teachers,

i NEVER thought i would work.

because as far as i can remember,

i remember you making me say sorry.

and you still get pissed after that.

so what's the point.

doesn't matter now does it?

I'm never going to apologize.

NEVER.

because what I will get is

being ignored,

and humiliation,

thats what.

i learnt today.

take the train?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE FUCKING TRAIN HUH?

what do you do at home?

why do you like to hide at home?

(BEFORE I COULD ANSWER)

"You'd just play the computer!"

And that fucking hurts. IT JUST HURTS.

I RATHER DON'T STUDY NOW.

THANKS TO YOUR POSITIVE REINFORCEMENTS.

I GAME. I DON'T STUDY. I FUCKING EAT SLP AND GAME.

There was a big truck beside us when you were yapping away.

And all i could think off is.

Hit me you fucking truck I'm so ready to leave this planet.

Oh you're busy? with work?

I'm busy too. woi!? what's the matter with you?

My finals is coming up! the fuck!??

you throw your temper at me because you'r busy with work?

am I being a roadblock to you now?

THEN DON'T BLOODY BRING ME TO THIS WORLD.

What's wrong with you woi?!

Yes maybe sorry wasn't enough.

But I'm not a fairy, this is my first time.

I screw up yea congratulate me go on. With your yaps and blabs.

Do you think I can return your time that you've lost?

Do you think that I wanted this to happen?

Do you think that I don't know you'r busy?

You don't have to say things that are so fucking mean do you?

DO YOU?

I thought studying will make you happy enough.

Now you're pissed cuz I don't know how to be a perfect human?

No wonder sis hates you.

NO WONDER.

So thats what you're thinking huh?

I'm not studying in a study week.

I'm playing games,

going out with my fuck friends as u described as "废"

sleeping, eating, watching anime,

laughing my ass off,

enjoying my fucking time all day huh?

throughout the week huh?

Well think all you want

I can't do anything to change your mind anyway.

think all you want. 

...

diu.

JW

Words said.

Everyone will be leaving soon.
How strong our friendship bond will be.
That will be known after everything is over with
and everyone in their new positioned placed.

We're growing up,
our 4 to 5 years friendship.
Will it last.
The pack is breaking up now.
To study,
to work.
Everyone has a different motive now.
it's not like in secondary school anymore.

We need to take as much pictures together as we can.
Yet you told me you don't know what to take when you're holding a camera in your hand.
I don't have that much energy to go out with you guys soon.
I wake too early and walk too much to be not tired.
I faced too many fucked up people to stay calm.
I missed the days that we had.
And there is no going back.
We grow. and push forward. thats the reality.

I'm sorry for being grumpy every now and then.
and to those friends who truly adored me.
I really thank you for doing so.
it was a kind of support i needed in my life.
even if sometimes,
sometimes... you guys were not there for me.
because you all were busy with your own stuff.
And when the case becomes a very serious matter,
and i had to cry so hard hugging my pillow so hard.
After such matters occur,
you guys stands up.

It was always that way,
after I cried and was nearly at a "learnt helplessness'' position,
you guys would only then stand up for me.

Now,
you're holding a camera,
i tell you to take pictures,
you say to me
" take what? take picture of the tarts? "

Do you seriously think I can go out that much?
I'm human,
please think.
I wake that much early and walk that much. JUST TO GET A FUCKING TRAIN.
then walk all the fucking way to school.
then attend class.
face shitty attitudes,
pretend, smile, try to be funny to be in a group, laugh at any crap they say,
then walk all the fucking way back to the station,
then wait for the fucking train that is always never on time.
then walk all the fucking way home.

I'm human.
I get tired,
i can't get sick.
I can't afford to.
Please..please just ..
Ahh.. nevermind.
it always felt like i can't breathe when I think about this over and over again,

I hope.
I never need to say this. ever.

" and this is where our friendship. ends. "

I hope. Never.

I drawn this long time ago.
Representing few of us.
People that i couldn't fit in,
ZY
KW
G

People that are in the picure:(from the left)
PS
KC
YH
me
CL
SY
HS

Long live our friendship. ._.

JW

Whom to trust when is seems there is none.

they say something in front of you.
But its different when their backs are facing you.
you see them smile at you.
But are they really smiling at you inside.

are you all stabbing me from the back?
do you all mean what you all say?
who can i trust.
I can't turn to anyone when I'm in trouble there.
Everyone has their own motive.
Using their motive as a motivation to smile and to lie to me.

Who to turn to?
whom to trust?

so tired.

JW

Every second hurts.

Just being there makes me really unhappy.
I have to watch everything i say.
Every single word.
Just one thing being said wrongly.
And people snaps at me.
I'm not scared.
I'm just sick of it.
I'm not that easy to be bullied.
I just want to maintain my pride.
Rather than shouting and defending myself.
Wasting such effort over useless things.
thats what i feel so tired and sick about.

I was there when you guys have any problems.
And not even one of you asked how am I.
when i was feeling so upset.

I hugged my pillow for comfort.
when there is none to comfort me.
I cried myself to sleep.
when there is not a shoulder to cry on.
My music player sings music to me.
While nobody else is singing for me.

Even if you guys didn't ask how am I.
I wanted to tell you guys.
Every time I was in college.
It felt like hell.
And i would think of you guys.

I pretend that you guys actually ask how am I.
I want to tell you guys.
I miss you all when I was there.
I felt like crying everytime i know that you guys won't be with me.

I know you guys won't comfort me.
And you guys never did.
And thats because.
we live too perfect as a group.
and there was not a single problem that will make me this unhappy.
and comforting is not needed.

i understand.
i will cope.
 and

Private message to SNOOPY.
o0o fuck off. stop provoking me.
i really will respond.
and you won't like it.
I'm not someone you would want to bully.
so. o0o fuck off.

JW