Chinese New Year fears

Strange to say I dont enjoy chinese new year celebrations as much anymore - unfortunately. Ever since being in the states to study and dint have time to return home for around 4 years of chinese new year made me really excited when i first came back.

But i soon realize that the childhood CNY feel i once experienced is no longer the same anymore. Welcome to adulthood #?????

I always find transitioning from teenage to adult is rough, I sometimes wonder if its just me that feels that way.

Last night I was thinking bout my old room that I will return to for this chinese new year just made me very depressed plus being alone I guess made it worse? I really am trying to enjoy my time being alone more but its so hard!!! 

It really sucks to feel alone when I'm actually surrounded by my family. Well I finally colored my nails i wanted to do black but dad was like, NO. So here I am stuck with this purple-ish nail polish that i don't completely hate. Its close to hate, trust me.

My turtles will be guarding the house while I'm out. Good bubbas.

I think as much as I don't like going back to my old room it is better than me thinking about it here alone in this big house. It makes it worse. I need to stay focus! Pack! and do the remaining chores !

Last two nights were filled with nightmares. How does one deal with this shit?! GAH!

Well last night was me in this stupid Alice netflix series i think. We were definitely trying to survive in the dream, whos we? I have no idea, it was me and some other people and a dude i don't recognize? We were walking past an aftermath of a game i think, and some people were dead and naked and covered in some yellow goo of some sort. And the worse part of it is that their bodies were twisted into a ball. 

Some of them even have shit coming out of their ass due to their bodies being twisted. Disgusting oh my god why cant i just dream of nice shit like FLYING and having SUPER POWERS or something. 

Chinese new year here we go...

- JW.

Global Pandemic? My Turn. Bummer.

As much as I tried to avoid getting ill it has eventually found me. Tested positive for covid-19 a day ago. Well thank the hot weather in the country flu isn't that deadly now that we're in the late stages of the pandemic.

Was pretty much in bed the whole day yesterday, world can't seem to stop spinning.

Okay.. Brain's pretty blank at this point. Probably shouldn't be listening to slow music when i'm feeling like shit.

I was pretty pissed when I woke up yesterday morning because I had to find all the right people in my company to let them know i will be off on sick leaves. But I was trying not to go out to clinics as well. Not planning to spread what I have. Had that settled but it legit pissed me off. Mainly cuz the team I am in is not in KL so there's a lot of people I need to reach out and my brain was in a mess at that point.

This annoying cough omg.

Currently dealing with a blocked nose, backflow, headache and face ache due to my sinus glands swelling up. One of my lymph nodes is also swollen, right about above my left collar bone. At least i don't feel as tired as I did compared to yesterday.

Speaking bout yesterday, i don't know if it was because I was sick and the world is a mess my brain was still so obsessed with helping my friend. Whom I understood had family issues but she probably is in denial. She has depression too, lets just say she is dealing it in her own way.

Today I am more focused on me. Thankfully. Or i'd start suspecting I have a crush on her dear lord.

Am I questioning my own sexuality? Sometimes I guess, but I'm pretty sure I'm into dudes. Which part of a male's body I like the most. Their back. How the muscles mush together into shape is just freaking sexy. hahaha

I have family issues too ever since i moved out it feels like i've been abandoned by my own parents. But according to member 3, its my problem, don't expect so much, i should be serving my parents once again, not expect for more from them.

Great conversation.  

Guess i'm not ready to discuss about that yet. And it seems i have my own issues too, who was i thinking i can help someone else while i'm in such a mess.

"Friday's child is loving and giving." 

Giving away so much i feel like slapping myself so hard my brains fall out. Jk.

Obligated

Today was the day my close friend finally had the courage to break up with her mentally abusive bf. Well now that I think about it, it wasn’t all her. It was him holding the reins. 

I’ve spent the whole day convincing her it’s ok to let go. 

But she is overwhelmed with fear of a future without him. 

I feel I have failed as her close friend to keep her away from abusive ppl like him. Having all the information I couldn’t do anything. 

Gloominess on and off

 Every now and then i feel myself falling into some kind of depression. Or ... no im not sure if its depression. It probably is. Self-diagnosed depression - haha.

Every time it happens i try to figure out what's the cause of it.

Well most recently just yesterday actually. I was buying something from Ikea, and turns out it can't fit in our car. I was dreading to call my family to help but they are closer to us. At the time i wasn't sure why i was dreading to call them. I mean they could come and help right?

Anyway I tried calling C, - I will skip the details. The overwhelming feeling is, that the first reaction is not to rush over to help me. Reminded me of the time when i had a very serious period ache while I was in university.

At the time, I drove to school as usual and prior to having lunch with my friends i started having this serious ache. I couldn't even eat lunch.  While my friends were having lunch, I was in the toilet the whole time trying to puke but nothing would come out. I remember squatting in the toilet trying to puke and called my mum. Asking her to come over to pick me up, i need to go home. 

I remember her giving me a lot of reasons why she couldn't come over. For example, whos gonna drive the car i drove back home. I was in so much pain I can't help her to figure such details so I gave up.

I remember leaving the toilet and went straight out of the restaurant with my friends starring at me like i'm some freak. Embarrassing and sick at the same time.

And then i stared into the drain outside i started puking.

I pretty much don't remember what happened. But i do remember waking up in the school library. One of my friend got me a packet of milo and bread.

Horrible horrible experience which is a living reminder of how my family won't be there for me if i need any help.  

C did drove over to help me in the end. I was quite grateful but no help came from my parents for sure. I tried to ignore what C said that gave me the feeling my parents wont be coming over to help. And tried confronting them when i got home to pick up the item C helped me move it back. I talked to mum, and said nobody help me. how.

Her reaction is the exact same as what C ... not sure whats the term to use, she just said mum needs to have her dinner and won't even be thinking to come help. I can imagine if she did come, she probably would be in a very shit mood like, "Why are you so troublesome"

Ever since i moved out, i definitely felt abandoned by them. Yea yea I'm touchy. Too bad, born with it. Teach me how to shut it off. Thanks.

And I tried not thinking about it so much but seems like unconsciously it affected me. I tried to enjoy my Sunday as hard as I could. But i jsut felt so numb. Woke up from nightmares and tried to take a nap in the day because i jsut felt so drained of energy. More nightmares, woke up huffing.

Didn't know it was so serious. I still can't make myself accept the way my family is. Yes it made me feel alone. Which was why i Left in the first place. It felt like i was surrounded with people but surrounded by none at the same time when I was at home.

Now that I've moved out it was better. Only when times like this just reminds me of that pain. That I care. But they don't want to care because they are not willing to feel hurt of me leaving home. Put plainly. Selfish.

Often times I just feel like my parents don't love us, its just an obligation. 

Now I sound childish don't I. 

I kind of understand myself more now that I've moved out. But it's not an easy emotional path for me. I'm trying my best. It gets worse when K and I fight. Because that's probably when i truly feel alone. And start questioning what's the purpose of anything.

Wish there was some kind of switch i can just switch off and be mean like L. Everybody can eat shit - type of attitude. ;P

But I can't. I really wish I could.

-JW

Politics~

 The 15th general election ended. Its a mess, we still do not have a government because not party has enough seats to be government. So here we are still waiting for the result...

I was supposed to go and work out - every Monday evening I join my ex-colleagues for badminton. Unfortunately, my body decided today is the day to sneeze the life out of me. My face hurts, my head hurts and my nose hurts too. I wish i didn't have all these sinuses and crap.

Work was annoying in the morning because my lead decided to change the list of things i need to be doing - again. He's been doing it quite frequently due to us not having fixed task / urgent tasks. I know he wouldn't want me to say this but i also think its because we no longer have a PM to look after our tasks.

Obviously I'm not very happy about how our day to day tasks are now. I used to be 'in charge' of the compliances of our application. But just because I said that I'd like to be trying other things as well he completely stripped me from my obligation on the compliance part of it. 

It's pretty annoying. Its like ive lost an important responsibility, and here I am picking up the small pieces. 

Now I need to decide what i'd like to do for the rest of my evening before I end up doing nothing again because i cant decide !

Well shower comes first, even with this annoying allergy.

After that... Chores, got some dishes waiting for me...

Also this new keyboard is pretty sick - got it off a pretty nice deal during 11.11 on Lazada.

Red switches and there's even silicon and foam inside to help with the noise. Its not perfect but it's a start! I can even change the switches if i want to. So far this switch is awesome. Can't wait to try others.'

I have to add that since i'm back at vlogging I should probably update the state of mind that I'm in.

Ever since I moved out, I'd like to think that I am currently healing, not healed, but Healing. Negative thoughts are still there but at least its under some control. Unfortunately, I've grown very emotionally dependent on the people around me. The slightest negative emotion coming from the person I'm communicating with would put me in a very unhappy mood for the rest of the day, or worse, rest of the week.

I noticed member 3 at home is going through some kind of depression as well. But i don't know if its habit or just.. personality. Member 3 would be easily jealous with what others have or do. Honestly that just tells me that member 3 is just not happy with life. I hope it gets better for member 3 once member 3 moves out. I sincerely do. Sometimes we just grew into adults and have different mind sets as the people we live with. So in order to not fight or have bad memories with each other, i think its better to just live your own life.

Trying to live your own life and be an adult with your own values is not easy. Especially when you have lived your whole life with someone telling you how to think. And i'm just trying to snap out of it. And put myself first. Not being so hard on myself. I guess what i'm trying to achieve is simply... Self love.

I hope i get there one day. To be truly happy.

JW

I'm An Adult Now

 I have my own house now and working towards having investments as well. Being an adult sure is tiring.

Fed Xiao Hong and Belly, Belly seems to be having a good appetite today which is good. Its the monsoon season in Malaysia now, so he's very sensitive to the temperature he isnt able to digest his food quickly so he doesnt get very hungry. But today hes good. Xiao Hong as usual, the glutton she is.

Grabbed my new bag and head out to my car. Took a very unfortunate route to the swimming club to meet my family for dinner. Well its my fault for not being able to get used to driving and getting to places with my car i guess. 

No no no... I have to stop myself there. I said i would be kinder to myself and not have overly achieving expectations for myself.

Rephrase!

It's the app's fault for not letting me choose a route with toll so it led me to a stupid small road of winding and narrow roads. I even got stuck behind a slow snail speed lorry carrying palm oil fruits.

Dinner was a little quieter than usual. For me I'm still in the anxiety of driving so I wasn't in such a talkative mood. Also I havent been doing much the whole day. Didn't feel like doing anything. I had so much on my mind like so many things i want to do but i have not done any.

I'm glad i was brave enough to head out alone to meet them for dinner tho. It made me feel a lot better. At least i didnt just sit at home all day doing nothing. 

After we were done with dinner i wanted to sit a little longer with them to talk but dad was rushing to go home. His reason was that he didnt want me to drive home alone when the sky is dark again. Last night i left quite late to come home from L's place. It was a 20-30 minute drive in the rain. Was kind of scary as i cant really see the lines on the road and glare from the cars were not helping as well.

I tried to ask if they wanted to come over t hang out so i can talk to them a little longer. But as usual the original plans were eat and go home so nothing is going to change that. My family has always been like that flexibility is just not part of their daily lives. Well unless dad decides it. Duh.

Election is over and it feels like we're back to square 1. No party won enough to be the government so they are discussing. Makes me feel like efforts wasted. I was really hoping BN is out of the picture.. Thieves. in broad daylight. Now comes the next worse thing, to be led by religion as your government. We're fucked.

Came home put away some clothes - finally. Did the dishes too. Now what should I do next before my Sunday ends... Finished the season 3 of Demon Slayer anime. Freaking awesome, a little draggy but awesome graphics + animation. 

I want to play video games but i'm afraid at the end of the game i'd feel like i wasted my time. I want to watch a show but can't settle on any. God im so restless. Pick something and get over it!

JW

I'm Back At It (Family)

Since I started my new relationship with my new significant other, he made me realize of my negativity. And how that is hurting myself and others around me. So I've learned how to tone that down. Focus on the positive.

It is very important how you look at life cause, you're the one alive, you decide what you see.

With that said, I have started my path on positivity, and that led me to realize the behavior of my family. Which was quite depressing honestly.

I started to realize,

• member 1 is easily triggered. Anything they see did not fit in their rules of their own brain, you gon' get it from them.
• member 2 was always grumpy, in a bad mood, would find reasons to just go at you. 
• member 3 always caught up their own thoughts and will spit nasty things at you going after your behavior judging you especially when they are in a shit mood. (trust me you don't wanna get caught up in that shit storm)
• member 4 which i think is the most sane one, although they would go on laughing over nothing. But at least there's no negativity there. They would smile for most of the time they spent with their family member.

When I first came home after graduating, I thought to myself did I not perform well enough, was I not good that member 1 and 2 would act this way. All my life I've been trying to please them, trying to have them be proud of me. It was painful to deal with them being this way.

Everytime I catch member 2 in a bad mood I would blame myself for doing something wrong. But actually, did I?

I've started to let loose now, too much stress and life burden stacked on my head. It is time that I stopped caring so much. Learn to be like member 3, be on the surface, care when it is extremely needed, sniff in disinterest when there's negative comments and feedback, in other words, be a little more selfish. 

I'm trying to do that now. I'm trying to shape my life better so that I'm not always that depressed squirt in the corner and moping with a thunder cloud on top of her head. 

And this he taught me. I'm learning, and trying to love myself a little better than I used to. 

It's prime time now that I live, for me.