Didn't update my blog much. I guess i was too busy or either too tired to.
Or perhaps just fed up.
May 11 6.36pm
May 12 1.50am
It's late now. And my sister has not returned. I stare quietly at the bed being placed right beside mine. Unable to fall asleep once again. I observed the mess on her bed and wondered when would she come home. I shut my eyes and try to fall asleep again but my mind was still busy and tthe creaking noises in my room are becoming clearer. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep...
May 13 10.05pm
Surprisingly within 2 to 3 minutes i can take up to 26 self shot pics.
(The way the americans says cam whoring is just way too disgusting for me to use on myself.)
May 15 1.32am
I'm listening to music through the iPod, and suddenly a glimpse of myself kissing my dear Tort came into view. As I was getting ready to leave the house. I was going to the states, i was really afraid. Yet others await for the future to come I was afraid of it. The mere future of me living alone and leaving my Tort, mum, my room, my bed, my pillow, blanket..
I shook my head violently to get rid of that scary scene in my head and to prevent the growing tears in my eyes from overflowing. I'm afraid of being alone. Even it seems i can stand to be alone. i was really afraid of it. I can't stand such feelings, and i won't dare to tell my mum or anyone i fear such ridiculous occurring. Foolish me.
Future I fear you, yet i would really want to know the future of me creating programs and firewalls or honeypots.
This mere thoughts are causing me to have slight bipolar symptoms. My mood swings and I don't know which of those are my true ones.
May17 1.33am
Here and again, alone, even she's back it's sstill lonely, the bed a metre awat from me, empty. It seems as though you haven't returned at all, or you had, but just being yourself neglecting family as you had always been. My heart aches. You left me way sooner than you should.
It feels as if I don't recognize you as whom you were anymore. I'm lonely, and when family is the only thing i could lean to, you're not around, mum's too tired to bother. I'm lonely, college friends won't look for me, my bunch of friends are breaking up. I wonder where could I lean to now.
Is it just me being too sensitive, and I'm never alone, then tell me, why am I the only one who feels like there's no one talking to me when I need company. Why is there none who asks me out for group gatherings, ling leans towards her game for company from players in there, me? I can't mix around there, I just can't.
Here and again I listen to my dear and loyal friend who sings to me when I need music. My usual comforting pillow and these sheets that absorbed my tears as they were gentle hands wiping my tears away.
Hence and back again, I'm alone.
May 25 11.20pm
It feels like I'm being used. But I've snapped out of it now. Now I just wanna try to help her as much as possible as I could. I couldn't care less even if she is using me.
It's okay. I don't mind anymore.
May 29 12.05am
Oh dear butterfly, your colors shines so bright.
Oh dear the friendly lies, were they the truth or was it just a lie.
For times that i clutch my heart so hard, that repetitive tears cries in my swollen eyes.
A loyal heart I presented as a dear dear friend.
And the company that you needed and I had spent.
Was it something that you take for granted.
Am I just a comforting object that thou had just accepted?
I weep in the company of loyal objects but not a living with a heart.
May I ask you, where were you when I was in the dark?
Throughout the years that i had lived,
A cold thought told me a true friend cannot be forgot.
And it led to another thought,
" A true friend is never easy to be forgot, because a friend with a loyal heart is never easy to be found and with their heart locked in a box. "
I'm an excuse. But not a friend.
I'm a tool. But never a man.
With my heart that solemnly aches.
Thou will not cared even if it stops.
June 5 11.42pm
Will you be mine, or are you just a pass by-ing little butterfly?
If you are, can you please get out of my head because I'm starting to realize its getting harder to breathe just by looking at you. It aches to know you're just passing by.
My dear little butterfly.
Jun 7 3.04pm
I brought my laptop to school today.
I'm in the train now and the perfume of the Malay ladies are choking me up.
I stuffed my face into the back of my laptop bag.
It has the scent of his car.
while i was in his car my bag must have absorbed the scent.
I'm in trouble now, everything he does and owns looks so wonderful and perfect.
I'm in trouble.
I continues to enjoy the scent with my eyes closed.
He seems very popular with girls I guess i won't be his type.
I'll just sit aside and enjoy the view of this beautiful butterfly.
JW
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