The reacting way.

Don't give out white threats.
It'll always makes people misunderstood the actual cause of that reason.

Don't say things you don't mean.
It hurts people. Even if you don't mean it.


It's ridiculous.


Do not blame on people who treats you the wrong way.
Think what have you've done to achieve such treachery.



We could always choose to change.
If we choose to realize.

- Signed: JW -

Drawings I've Drawn Recently

 Most of these are drawn according to the story I'm writing.

This is Ader Haley Ravenior Byakurai.

Even I have some difficulties in remembering the character's names that I gave. XD

 On the right that's Red.

On the left this is Wonoah de Arkelf Kylener.

Kyle here is a bind weapon to Ader.

Basically, Ader is his master. He transforms into a scythe when the 'saiken' is activated.

Well this is a random drawing.. Pointing a... middle finger.
Basically.. I was pissed when I was drawing it. =D 

This was the drawing I drew right after I have drawn the one on the top of it.

This is miniature Wonoah de Arkelf Kylener. =D 
He will transform into that shape and size when he's outta fuel.
'His fuel.' 

Ader in Seint mode.

Kid time Ader, typical.. Begging for candy. 

"Symbolism of the crescent. Scatter butterflies...
...Awaken akuma ...Uchi."


"Activated Umarete kuru buki, Wonoah de Arkelf Kylener."


(Kyle's wing mode and attacking mode.) 

Random drawing~
Actually.. The hair is the only thing I seem to like about this picture.

"Crescent of the moon Alight...
...Wonoah de Arkelf Kylener Awaken...
...Activating Saiken."



(As you can see, it's still unfinished. I can't decide what shoes to let her wear.)

Another random drawing. Well... As you can see... My brother kinda destroyed it. So I didn't plan to finish the drawing. 

Ader in human mode.

Adelle, Ader's cousin brother.


(Girly guy though.)

Ader asking in return for what Red(the boy on the ground)'s friends took.

Hoho~ I'm just giving myself leads on what to draw. If not it'll be just a useless drawing.

-Signed: JW-

DEC 28 2010

It seems that I suddenly realize why do I write so much nonsense and stories that no one will be interested except me. How unique I make them it's useless. 

My home.. reminds me of where I truly stand. The pages I've written with my own hands, even till they ache I wouldn't even stop writing. It was too interesting to carry on writing. It was like watching a movie to me. It was like I could see the characters talking or fighting or do whatever I write. It was like watching the best TV you could get on earth.

The joints of my fingers ache every time I finally stopped writing. Satisfied with the current idea in my mind. But it seems worthless anyway. The pages.. The note books I've filled with my ideas, they're all still locked in a box. Seems like it's just a rotten box which no one will open even to peek at it. 

Even if I'm really tired, I would stay up late to enjoy the quietness and write and draw. It really hurts my hand muscles and I couldn't play the piano properly the next day. They shake every time I tried to reach for a note. 

Anyway, I didn't like playing the piano a lot. It was because my sister was getting so much attention just because she could play it well. I tried to do as she could. It couldn't be done. It wouldn't work. No one notices a person who plays with broken chords.  


I guess now I truly realize why I decided to learn piano.


No one would accept someone who didn't seem to work at anything important that said,


"I'm tired."


Well I've found out I'm that type of person. What the hell. haha... silly me.


As for you.
If you weren't so pushy. I will get it right this time. Please just stop and let me handle my stuff this time. I'll try. But don't push.

'Never try to push a bird that doesn't want to fly down the tree. because you may kill it.'

I finally realize why do I write so much worthless words. 
It was just to write to give me a reason to draw about what I'm writing which no one sees or reads. 

I promised myself not to cry for nothing anymore. But the tears just flow out as they pleased. Every time i tried to think why did I cry again. 

Ridiculously...
I couldn't remember.


I promised.


I was crying uncontrollably the last time I was at the music centre. 
Anyway my teacher was in a bad mood.
She was shouting at me like I'm a dog or something. As usual.
I tried to think really hard why was I crying. But the harder I think, the more I cried and I still couldn't get why was I crying so badly.

Was it because, I will miss her?
was it because, I will miss the piano?
was it because, I was disappointed with myself that I gave up?
was it because, I failed to get what I wanted?
was it because, ...


I hope she won't be angry......
.......
She wouldn't... She might be just as happy to lose a student like me.
She always told me how far back I was from her other students anyway..

I wouldn't gave up no matter what when I was small.
Because it seems I will disappoint many others around me.
But now that I realize. Even if I was the one suffering. No one encouraged.
Even though I know they will be disappointed, I guessed no one ever stood on my side thinking how would I feel.
I wish... I could just...
Shout this out loud...


"I'M NO LOSER! I FIGHT TO LIVE! AND LIVE IS WHAT I PLAN TO! GOD DAMN IT!"

'You can tell she's not happy with her life.'
'Is she building this unhappy life of herself?'
'Why would she? Is this torture?'

JW

This is how I feel like. Chained. Locked. Enclosed.

23 ƉЄƆ

The things that I put effort in was never noticed anyway. 
You guys just see what you want.
Praise only when I show.
But never to encourage in anything. 
Things I hate and things I love to do.
Wasn't encouraged at all.
All you do is push.
Who is to be standing in a condition like that.

[ ĴƜ ]

22 Ɖɛc

Leave me alone. Pushing doesn't really works. Why do you not seek for why and just care for others. Her way of teaching makes me sick. I'm not a dog. From small till now, she's always yelling at me. Piano is not army drilling, it's not the way I want to learn something. It's not right. I don't like it.

Make me and you will all regret it. I'm rebellious.. Don't ever forget that.

JW  

 

15 Ɖɛc Ɯтн? αиσтнɛя вα∂ ∂яɛαм? =ω=

What I held in my hands is my beloved school bag. Its nothing special. Just a cloth old looking bag. Which I like a lot. Still trembling from what happen. I was all wet and soggy. my bag was too. My remaining friends gathered around me.They still think it's a joke of what happened at back at the old looking.. wooden.. kind of french looking restaurant. But I was feeling rather scared. 

Well I can't really remembered what was so important I was trying to protect. Protecting it from being taken away from someone. Being betrayed. That was all I remembered. But nothing more.
 
I was kinda one of my friend's birthday. Xiao Hei's birthday I think. She wanted to celebrate it in a old looking place. She says its more fun. But that place looks rather torn down. The kitchen ovens were old and dirty. The surrounding is all.. basically.. OLD.

Her whole class members were all there. A few from my class. And weirdest thing... Daisy was there too. It wasn't the first time of me dreaming about something and he was there. All I know in all of the dreams he were there, he always held my hand tightly. Not letting me away from him more than an inch. It felt safe though. 

 So we were all eating weird dinner. I was carrying my school as usual. Inside my bag from my memory in that dream.. They were suppose to be my sketching book and my usual writing book of many crazy story ideas I have and my drawing tool kit of course. But at that time I was very scared. Because what inside my bag was holding.. Is not it's usual contents. I sat at a old wooden bench where everyone was also sitting on and ate quietly. The others just laugh loudly and goof around. They look like they were all drunk. But they really aren't they just seem so red and hot because of the oven I said. It was old and dirty. But xiao hei insist it'll work like normal to cook food.

Daisy was sitting beside me, I didn't really saw his expression nor what was he doing at that time. Because I felt really weird. Like something bad is going to happen. It wasn't right. The heat from the kitchen, oven. Was a bit... too hot. The whole place gotten warmer and no one seems to notice. I held my bag tightly afraid someone is going to jump out from the kitchen and snatch it. I still can't remember what was so important inside the bag though...

One of xiao hei's classmate gotten too playful and ran towards the kitchen. I wanted to rush to the boy to stop him but Daisy knocked me over and a big big flame burst out from the kitchen. As I was falling and hit the ground along with Daisy hugging me from behind I saw the boy's face melting away. It was being pealed away, his face, his nose slowly melted away, his ears fall off, his eye balls melting, eye sockets going empty. He wanted to scream but nothing came out from his throat but just a small croaked whine. It was horrible. Then one of his arm torn off. A fat lady from behind plucks off his head and smiled at me. The other students scream and ran around wildly. The whole 'restaurant' was literally burning down.

' R...run... R-RUN! RUN FOR THE EXITS YOU BASTARDS??!!!!' I shouted while Daisy was trying to pull me up.

The fat lady wasn't human at all. She came up from the flames. The boy in her arms turns to black gooey as soon as she plucked off his head. The smell was ... horrible. Disgusting. 

Xiao hei and Daisy pulled me up and we rushed to the exit while i was looking back at the fat lady smirking at me. Three of us fell over just after we exited the entrance. A big explosion booms from behind. The sound was deafening. We flew a few inches away from the 'restaurant' caused by the explosion. 

The fat lady arise from the broken fence around the in flame ruin looking 'restaurant'. She was ... floating in the air.. Looking down at the three of us. I stare up at her turning my back a bit. She was holding my schoolbag. She smiled even wider once she saw my horrified expression.

'HEY! Give that back you fatso! ' I shouted and got up to my feet pulling Daisy up as well.

As the fat lady wanted to say something. Xiao Hei leaped from her side and snatched the bag away. Then we ran really hard away from the screaming people and fat lady. =.=||

We ran really far. I was nearly out of breath and it started to rain really heavily. I was nearly left behind because I can't see the rain drops kept poking into my eyes. But Daisy's warm hand was helding on mine really hard it wouldn't budge if someone even knocked over. He pulls me ahead and we finally came to a stop at Xiao Hei's house. It looked different in my dream. It's still a terrace house, but not as filled with plants like the real one. We were all panting and Xiao Hei drops my bag on the ground of her lawn. 

'我都不明白你那么gan jeong 你的书包做么。' Xiao hei said while panting.

I look at Daisy and we shared the same expression. It was like he knew the bag was really important too. Like he knew what was in the bag and gave it to me to look after it. I can't remember... What WAS IT??? 

I forced a smiled at Xiao Hei and told her I should get home. She told me to rest first at her house or something. Then Daisy said he gotta go. I don't feel good when he left. He raced for his car and left.

The next thing that freaked me out is what Xiao hei said.
'做么你书包那么重的？我手要断掉了啦刚刚跑的时候！'

Why would it be heavy? It wasn't heavy when I was holding it. 
I really don't want to hold my bag anymore but I forced myself to bring it in her house. The other remaining friend's gathered around me. They finally got back safely. They seem to still think it's a joke. Even xiao hei doesn't seem scared of what happened.

They were all laughing but I wasn't listening to what they say,
'喂...我觉得...' I said.

Their laughter dies off and all focused on me.
'做么？' one of them asked.

 '我觉得...书包不对劲...'I said feeling very scared. I was trembling.

They burst out laughing. All of them. But it wasn't funny to me. I don't feel humilated too even they laughed so hard.
One of my Xiao hei's classmate tried to rub the bag on my face while laughing. I leaned back trembling even more. Then he drops it in front of me. The sound was... weird.. A thud sound. Really not right...

'打开来看看咯！' one of them said. 

I extended my shaking hand and reached for the zip of my bag. It felt.. Moist.. not because it was wet caused by the rain. But it felt... like soapy. no..not soapy.. It felt like.. Wet.. hair..


They were heavy laughter around me.. But I was all numbed towards the sound. Then one of xiao hei's friend opens my bag and pours all it's contents out. The content's hits my head one by one. Total count.. 4 hits.. Their laughter dies off and turns into screams. I looked down. It was a human head. Disfigured, cut into 4 parts. It's hair was falling off. All wet. I didn't scream. Nor gave any responds. I just sat there listening to the others screaming.


Then I finally woke up. But ... there was something to calm me down before I woke. I couldn't remember what.. All I got in my memory was, me calling Daisy, unable to speak. Then he was there. Beside me. Patting my head talking to me, but i couldn't hear what he said. I just kept crying. Looking into his eyes. Just.. crying.


I just wanted to note down about dreams I have. Weird. I never like these dreams. Runing away from scary things. Always the same.. Bad dreams bad dreams~ When will you go away~


And i say.... GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD BAD DREAMS! DAMN YOU SUCKA!~

DEC 12 2010

Just back from my trip. People were very rude in China. I feel like killing them. =.=And they have this behaviour spitting anywhere they want. It was disgusting seeing what they do. It was much better in Hong Kong. In Shanghai, China, they wore really cool clothings. Most of the people who walks around. Girls were all pretty and put on make up. Guys wore shirts like they were going to a show. weird..

Well I'm sick. Coughing like hell. Nose blocked. =D But I'm still living. Anyway, finally can message him whenever I want. I hate the fact of being in another country and it costs alot just to message the persons you wanted to. Sien..

 


















[JW]

NOV 18

I'm..confused.. with what I need.. and what I want.. nor the limits to it..

XDO record :2:

XDO record :1:

NOV 04

Edited August 25/ 2010

ѲƆƬ 28

My feet felt cold..
It seems like I was standing on a shallow watery ground.
No.. Not standing..
Sitting.
I quickly stood up and looked around me.
The setting around me is back at my Grand's House. Dark.
I hear a thunder strom outside.

I raised one of my foot to see clearly what was I sitting on awhile ago.
The 'water' seemed too dark for the colour of plain water.
I soon found out what was it. It was blood. The irony smell filled my nostrils.

As I was inspecting the 'liquid-like' I suddenly felt a rushed-up feeling.
I looked to my right where the tele lays.
Some force crushes into it and I dodged out of its way.

Trembled feeling scared and curious of what could possibly did that, I looked up where the tele once stood.
It was crushed to pieces. The wall behind the tele was crushed too.
Pieces of bricks was scattered all over the living room of the setting.

A lady with long hair stood where the tele and wall was destoryed.
At first she just seemed familiar.
But then i made out who was she.
Feeling rather terrified by what I was looking at I backed away from her.
She walks closer and closer to me telling me to stay away from her son.
Saying I'm nothing but trouble to her family.
I eventually reached the wall behind me. She raises one of her hand which holds a sharp kitchen knife.

I felt my eyes popping bigger and bigger by staring at her with disbelieve.
She shouts at me asking me to get out of her house and stay away from her family.
She then swings the knife at me and I dodged it. I pushed her aside and when I did, her head pops off her neck and hits the bloody ground.

I ran off to my Grand's room and I heard her saying "等下你就死."
I looked back at her while running, she seems to be bending down searching for her head.
Suddenly entering an empty room. And realize what was reality.

Smile even if you feel like crying

Tell me you're alive even if you have to lie. Show me a reason not to cry.

You lier!!! Lier!!! LIER!!!

Ѧσи 30/08 [0143]

我会加油。。。。

-Twenty One- AUG 27

Lies.. All lies..

To love someone too much creates insecurity..

It seems that I might be going back to my dark world. No more masks.

No more joly funny acts and jokes. no more.

Ѧσи 20тн Ƨɛρт [0110]AM

Getting the same feeling left out feeling again. It actually all started when I was with daisy. Going home from daisy's house. His mum gave me the same reaction again. Saying hi to her she just gave me a short stare then back at the tv. No reponds. At least daisy's father gave me some reaction. Like;

'Hey uncle.'

'Hey there kid.'

Don't judge me by how I will behave. Just by looking at me shows an uneasy feeling. Don't like me. While others get all the credits for just being there.

It was suppose to be a really happy day. Lucky he didnt notice how I felt. My feelings were really bad that time. Until I got fast food =.= That cheered me up awhile. So he saw me smiling the whole way home. He was happy too. I'm glad.

It wasn't easy for me to smile. But food. ~.~ helped alot.

Then today. In the game. I was playing. And putting quite plenty of effort.

His friends tipped me off about why the hell am I playing this game. Wasting my time. Putting useless effort.

Drow. They call him. the first time chatting with him. We talked about who was the noober playing this game. I said I was. There are many things I don't know. He says he's the noob one. Proved today.

I didn't know how to go through a simple mission for each character. Once reached level19 ,29, 39, 49, 59, ... and so on. There is a mission to do. where you will enter caves to fight various monsters. The easiest one. 19. I don't know how to move in there. So I asked if they know.

Drow said.

'Wah. You got noob until like that anot oh..'

really.. pain. Proved. Games.. I can't even do well in a game. Wonderful..*sob*

I replied him saying.

'Yea I'm that noob. - -'

What could I say. Really... so call.. no face.

I also saw Haru talked to Drow saying he needs him in what what what. Future they need him what what what.

After haru signed off, Drow complained to me saying very sien. He don't want to play. So I said, at least you are part of the team. He asked me, 'You're not in Haru's plan meh?'

I said no.

He asked me.
' Then you play for what? =.='

After what he said. He reminded me of myself wasting my time putting so much hours in that game. For nothing. Sis also told me. I should go back to the old sever and play. There's a friend there to help me. Easier too. Explains things without looks.

Everything they talked about in the game. I don't get a thing. I tried to ask. They showed faces to me saying, that you oso dunno ah..
Rather don't asked dy now.

That's why I keep quiet all the time. I don't say much in games, in person.
I guess where I talked the most is with my sister, brother, cousins. They laugh at jokes I crack, I like seeing them laugh. For now, I loved to make CL laugh, her laughing makes me laugh, makes me feel happy. For cheering up someone. Daisy is a whole different person. When I say something dumb, usually friends, sister or brother will laugh. He won't, instead giving me that 'wth' look. Feels uncomfortable.

Sis reminded me again today, this very night. She asked me,
'What did you ever do for Daisy?'

I was thinking what can I do at first. Then.. nothing. I didn't do anything. For him. It seems I can't do anything either. What can I do? If there is anyone out there. Tell me what can I do. Feels so useless. In everything. He say he will never let me feel bad again. Feeling left out. From the game play, just gave me the same feeling again. Sitting behind friends of mine, starring at their backs. Listening to them talk, laugh. Hurts.

Then sis asked me again. "You sure feel very stress being with him, you cant do anything for him, why you still with him den?"

I said,'Because he's happy this way. Because I would be happy to know he is happy. If I'm not with him, if he's happy, I wouldn't know. I want to know.'

I like seeing people around me laugh. They give me a comfortable feeling, so that I fit there. So I act like the biggest clown around almost everyone in my life. And dad thinks that I'm intelligent because of what he heard me crack silly jokes around my siblings.

If me acting cool will make you laugh, I will act cool. If my actions make you think its funny. Laugh ahead then. Your laugh pays me happiness too anyway.

I'm really sad. I don't know what to do, what can I do. What should I do. Games. I suck at them. Laziness beats me in studies but not in games, I still suck there.

'Since you guys don't want to help. Fine I go myself.' Holding a hard face, confidence telling me I can do it.

Ending up. 'I still can't do it. It's useless.'

Falling down, people say stand back up if you ever fall, I would now rather just lie there rest, eases the tireness anyway.

He says why I give up that easily. It's less tiring that way. I don't need to see them talk about things I don't understand. If i go back to the old sever, will C help me i wonder. Sis say he would. I guess he would, because the last time i went back to the old sever, I asked him something about the game mission, He came flying to where I was to give me that item so that I could pass the mission. I hope he's still playing.

But still doesn't feel right. I played the new sever for him, because he asked to. So i tired to chase up his level, didn't care how much time I took, it's best if I can chaseup fast, before they hit a level where I can't chase anymore, or they got bored of the game, at least I got to a certain level to prove my laziness wrong in this aspect, so that I can do stuff together with him, even just in a game. Then when I died once in the game. Pissed me off because every second counts to chase up his level, as fast as I can. He said, 'why so serious? game only ma.' adding up together what his friend said. _ _ I feel like a extra dumb idiot than i was before.

Waste my time in the game for nothing, to get the same left out feeling again. Tried to go on my own. No use. We always still need help.

My sis kept asking me why not tell him about these.
No I can't tell all this to him, it's small case. Now he's having his holiday, but if his school starts again. He will have many things on his mind, I don't want to be a bother in his thoughts. Only as... a lover I guess.

Just let me hold this up right here. Whereas I know I can't do anything more.

I got a thought, if he's sick. I can't be beside him, to look after him. If he got into a big problem, that ends up in a hospital, I can't be there to see him. I can't do anything! Feels really sad when I think about this.

Mum said many mean things to me too anyway today. It's like one of the worse day of my life. For another time. I tried to forget what she said, I kinda did it already. It's wiped clean, but I can still feel how I felt when she said it. I can still feel what I felt sitting behind my friends, I feel the dissapointment reading what Drow said, being the most useless person on earth. That feeling sucks.

Bro said, he places me nearly in the last place of aspects in his life.

Family first, especially his mum, friends next, to hold his face up, if a friend ask him not to leave stay with them, he won't leave, even if i asked him to, games next, then me.

I wonder if my bro is right..

My eyes feels swollen now. I couldn't feel my nose anymore. It's numb. I hope my feelings too can be numb.

JW

He came to see me last night. I was really happy to see him not because he dressed up and look cool and nice all that. I just want to see him.


He seemed really happy.
I'm Glad.


At a moment where both of us kept quiet, me staring at him he stares back at me.


He suddenly looks down at his hand where he wears the ring i gave him.


My eyes followed where his eyes went.
He gave the ring a spin.

My heart suddenly felt like something grabbing it.
But then he looked up and smile at me.

Did he meant to give the ring back to me?
Did he... meant to let go?

I know,
this exam that he had just passed through is hard and went through alot.
But this is just minor courses, what happens when the next one comes? another beats another harder and harder.
He said he's tired of me.
It was really sad to see that.
Even him.
Says I'm really tiring to care about.
What place shall I stand now.

He didn't return me the ring. He says he gotta go afraid my dad would be back any time. Bade him goodbye. He was smiling all the way. What got into him I wonder. So happy. Can't feel that though. fake.

But who am I to judge anyway..

I just can't trust those features after treating me cold.

I sick of being treated like that.

He says he wants to go play with his cousins and friends.
Didn't like the sound of it I don't know why.

Pasts don't stay as pasts.
They return to haunt us.
Like nightmares.
Those are pasts.
βʏ:Ĵιαωɛи (Ƨʋи 29 2010)

[Ƨʋи 29 2010 (ιι)]
woke up at 7 something. Didn't do much. Just lying on my bed. As expected. he didn't message me when he got home. Maybe he thinks it's pointless. But its good to wake up and see his message he's got home safely. He'll be sleeping quite long today. How should I know if he's ok if he don't give me a "I'm home" message.

sigh.. I'll wait keep myself hang up.

(Ƨαт 28 2010)
I've done finally one thing stupid enough. For him.
I got up early. Afraid he would skip his test but mostly won't. Just incase. Don't really know what he was thinking. I just had to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. I messaged him at 9, nearly 10am. 

"Morning. Are you awake? Have to wake at 11. Got exam. Got set alarm ma? Dun be late ahh.. How's ur stomach. Remember take med in time.. Dear.. :-* take care. ok?"

I woke up at 8, I setted that alarm after recieving daisy's last message.. Feeling dizzy stomach feels weird didn't eat much last night. waiting to message him. then he didn't replied. I was afraid he's still sleeping. But no way ah, he's at his friend's place.

Then the 11am alarm rang.
I waited around 2 or 3 minutes then message him, asking if he's awake.
He replied.
"Not free."

Stunned and don't know what to do anymore. Feel like going back to sleep. Sleep all day. But not moving an inch. listening to the music I turned on so loud to keep me awake when waiting for the time to pass to message him. Indirectly asking me to go away.

I still sat there. Not moving anything. Tears start coming down my cheeks again. It dropped on my phone's screen. I pushed the phone aside. Still sitting there listening to the music roaring in my ears.

I picked up my phone and replied him.
"加油"
Didn't know what else to say.
Then after his exam his mood switched.
Didn't feel good.
Just react as normal.

-Ĵιαωɛи-

(Ғяι 27 2010)
Got into a fight with him. Because he saw TW where I'm beside him.

I remember that the most.
Because there is where I was nearly crying and my friends saw.
They asked me not to be that way. They tried to help me make him feel better.

TW told me to tell him something and I did. The next message in is saying that. "wow. got improvement. =D"

I smiled and slowly laughed abit. Really happy to see him say that.

On the way back. To my house.
Alot was passing through my mind.

• I know I won't be better without him, but will he be better without me.
• Feel like breaking my phone in half.
• making him feel angry again I hate myself more.
• don't feel like going home.
• this might happen again, can he take it. No i don't think so. who can?
• Didn't like the way he asked me to 'explain myself' brings up bad memories.
• I still love him, should I tell him? no it'd sound weird.
• I hate my life very much. Should I say it out that time? No. It'd sound weird making things worse.
• "Sorry I kept quiet and didn't explain in the other way round I got angry. Afraid I would cry out loud." Should I have said that? Couldn't talk so much.Felt dizzy and tired. Might be because I was hungry.
• What should I say what should I say? I can't keep quiet like this. But if I tried to talk I'll cry worse.
• I don't want to see anyone that time. Just want to hide in my room.

I go into my room.
Dropped my bag. Ignoring my mum calling for me.
Grabbed my pillow push it down on to my face until i can't breathe and scream.
Indeed my marks weren't good.
Really really angry with myself. In this situation, there should be more people saying "Ya la. You should have do this this this, shoudn't done that that that." Only if I told anyone about my situation. Yea I'll be facing more people telling how I sucked how I screwed.

As i was about to message him. His message came in. Then we chatted awhile until this message came in. My day went worse." Facebook I decide to lock le.. Really sien.. Later I angry over some of my own small problem.. Go tution la.. Tata"

I replied tata too. Didn't know what to say anymore. Then the next message even worse.
"Dunno what to say le.. Dun bother bout me la.. Dear keep doing I dun like de things.. So be it.. I won't care le.. Very lazy and tired.. Very sien.."

That's okay. My fault to blame. Then after tuition. My stomach killing me. No food since morning just bread.Dizzy. about to faint. his message made me awake. all he answer.
"O.. OK.." All short message. Like he doesn't want to answer me. really don't wan care don't want bother. Ignore Ignore Ignore. Fine. After my dinner.

I message him again. Asked him has he studied for tomorrow's exam. He say he has been doing absolutely nothing. Great. Wanted to tell him about my marks I got. No. better not I was thinking keep this to myself. Wanted to tell him I was sorry stop being like that. Doing this to himself it's a shield. For me.Blocking me from him.


He kept indicating he don't want to study and stuff like that.
Messages of him keeping my heart being squeezed all the time..

"Work hard? for what? Try everthing so hard for what? Think so much for what? Sorry if i make ur mood worse.. Next time I no mood I lock myself up.."
"I'm tired.. That's all."
"I'm tired of you."
"I don't think you want to take this relationship seriously."
"Sorry I hurt you. To be fair.. You hurt me too.. Not only a single day.."
"Giving up on you I won't.. Just giving up in trying.. Learning how not to bother and jealous.."
"Return your freedom." (I don't have freedom. What is it to return.)

 

I'm not pretty I'm not great.
I'm not perfect but At least I'm not a fake.

I talk about people
But what about me
I love myself
So that is free
Hit me I cry
Cut me I bleed
I'm a weaker human you see?

Creating barriers protecting myself
Ending up solitary lifes I'll lead
Yet still
It hurts to see what happens around me.

If you're hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed.

To have red soggy eyes is as to smile and stare.
To cry is as to laugh.
To scream is as to say I'm happy.

living in a lie where all conditions don't seemed right.
what's more left to hide.
despicable talks and despicable lies.
shattery shattery a lowly tide.
what comes when it goes up high.
what is to be seen is to be saw,
what is to be feel is to be felt.

Say so,
Past stay as pasts,
but present people state pasts when they just said it has passed.

_JW_

AUG 19

It seems that CL has proven one thing for sure. HAha.. I was the stupid one holding on to a fake friendship line. Now I have to suffer facing posers.
CL said, I trusted them to much, I misjudged them. Now I feel like the biggest dumbo. They just see me as thin air And I thought I treated them like gold they'd do better in return. Nah...
I'm so stupid..

Seeing them grouped together and I have seem to become invincible.. Really really.. hurts.. yet No tears.. weird.

Don't feel like joining any activities now, any dumb activities which involve them..

It seems that I had became invincible.
It seems that I am better off sitting a side.
For one thing I'm sure I'm not a faker and you guys are posers.
Living in a lie like you guys, isn't it tiring?
Well enough, I'm pulling myself out from the crowd.

You guys can't see me?
Fine. I can't see you too.
May our memories stay as memories.
I'm vulnerable.
Fragile.

For the new friends I knew. Hope you guys won't do anything dumb like those posers did. IT hurts from the inside where I can't cry nor feel my tears. It's really pressuring.
Posers, stay in your dumb non-living world. I'm about to get out of there and no longer be a crowd with you guys.
Yes its fun living in a fantasy, but it's not really that great when there are jealousy between friendship topping that up, back-stabbers.

You guys can't beat me in knowledge I've been to so many places and countries, seen so many different weird acting people. Boycott all you want from now on I'm only appreciating the people who really loved me and not only to see me as a goal to beat. You guys can never beat me, lazy freakin' ass. Beating you guys in studies ain't that hard, cause you guys don't study at all. ==

Be street smart I'm okay with that I don't need you guys. Stay in the streets go ahead. Don't come up to my level if i ever get a chance of not seeing you guys ever again.

This is a song lyrics which pretty sure fits me:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of space?

Like somehow you just don't belong here.
And no one understands you.
Do you ever want to run away? (i really do)

Do you lock yourself in your room? (I do that)

With the radio turned on so loud. (I did this too)

That no one hears you screaming. (And this)

No you don't know what it's like.
When nothing feels alright.
You don't know what it's like to be like.. me..

To be hurt To feel lost

To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

- Welcome to my life-


[This is exactly how I felt when I was sitting behind you guys. I feel like a big big big lame fool!]

Damn all of you!! T,T sigh......

AUG 07 [ii]

lol.. someone posted my malurian idol singing competition into facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/video/video.php?v=414305023494

it was pitchy and i was looking around in the crowd for those guys. Then nearly at the end I'd forgotten the lyrics because I was thinking of them too. Where they were? My expression was horrible that time. The vid really shows how bad i looked. lol..

After sitting back down with the group I felt left out again. Hopefully not going to go through this again. Then this silly shit ask me to tell [XX] this that this that. I was really pissed and you're asking me to do this and that ah. I didn't wait for her to finish what she wanted to say. I just cutted in and told her to tell him herself. To her stupidity reply, she answer fast asking why i don't want to tell him. == she is either retard in brain or somewhere else. I said that she is the one who wants to talk. Tell him herself! I stood up and walked away. [XX] kept asking me to sit back down. Fcuk his ass. Shut up you sucker. Go suck on sumones C*ck or sumting. Wasn't in a sunshine mood that time. I could screw up his stupid marching formation if I wanted. But that would be really bad image for my 'friends'(which plays as friends. Fakers, posers plus new term, Losers) too. So i kept quiet.

Oh yea. After watChing back my singing competition vid I realize that someone shouted for my phone number. I didnt catch that when I was in the performance spot. =D At least I know I don't own an imaginary bf. Unlike someone else who imagines someone is with her all the time and likes herself too much, living in her own imaginary world ain't bringing you anywhere. So shut ya hole loser. When you really have someone who really cared about you and love you then you talk about it. Stop putting large fonts all around your stupid blog. I admit I'm interested to your bloody blog, but this is the reason, I want to know how your life sucked, how a loser you are, how much crap you talked about and are there lies in your blog. If not another term will be added to you as labeled, LOSER. Thinking you look beutiful and you can really do what you're interested in makes me sick. The way you talk makes me feel that you can go to hell. Your english sucks stop using it and use your own mother tongue back you sucker. The way you act the fake smile the fake eyes you have just makes me feel another term that suits you: Discusting. irritated by you.. Go to hell don't stay in the the planet you lived in right now. You stupid think-you're-all-that-girl. PUI! Bet you have a hairy ass.

Yea I know I'm not great or special. But the way you act in every aspect in live gives me the rights to talk about you. Faker. You big retard. Go to hell. No offence. I just HATE you..

as for[XX] since you're back, you looked like crap to me.
For xiao hei thanks for always coming to see me often when you're free. If we had time I'd like to ride our bikes up to desa or somewhere as far as we can go.

For SiY, yea all the boys think you're pretty and stuff like that. To be you're just another big poser posing to be like a nice cute innocent girl. To me you looked really nice, yea. At first I really liked you too really think you're so natural and cool in another way so girlilicious nice. But as time passed the more time I was with her I notice her politeness was another fake thing to see. I spend long time with rich people's sons and daughters, they give me the high- class feeling isn't the same like how this SiY gives me. POSER. Continue to fool the people around you Yea you like attention so much get yourself into a gay club and dance there. == loser.. You and your over lenght lower chin. Pui! no offence. I was really angry when I think of how she pushed OO away. Hit the wall suckers!

AUG 07 [i]

Hari koko is over. the training that we had was really tiring for me. My legs now feel like they're about to abandon me. just 30minutes top can memorise the formation. wonder why some people still can do it right say very gan jeong. == zz.. sien..

(I sang Listen To Your Heart ORIGINAL singer-Roxette-re/sang[DHT])
My singing went well I guess. To my frens they say it was really nice. To me.. I don't think I did my best.. Was abit scared. But the cheering from unknown people gave me courage though. ^^ They keep waving their hands wildly and shout for me. That really helped alot. But I was singing for my frens only, they told me not to quit this competition, if not I already quited it long time ago. But when i was singing, I stared hard into the crowd around me, they weren't around. But it's okay.I sang finish i ran back to the marching position, the crowd went wild. Was really happy.
[XX] let us rest awhile then they came.. TW asked, hey u sing dy ah?
Didnt really liked it at all. I was really angry when i heard him say that. Singing for you guys where you were? but its ok.. Nearly cried too. I hold my tears. Being strong. Xiao hei tried to comfort me by leaning on me. I tried to smile. But it was hard. cant say anything cuz I'm afraid to cry. So before joining back into the crowd i said:' This is already the third one singing.' Feeling really sad I turned around and walk into the gang of cadets.

Names Given By Human beings around me

Xiao Huang
Leng Zai
Win win wen wen~
Wen Zi(mosquito)
Ah Wong
Jia Wen


Teacher told me about Lamas in Tibet though.. Say they can seperate their soul and drift to other places and can be in 2 places at once.

Strange.. no matter how teacher is trying to convince me that this was proven by who who who, I still couldn't trust it. I'm trying to believe it is real. But it still doesn't clicks in. Oh well, I'm interested in weird stuff like that anyway. She also says that there are many universe in this WORLD. Well that I might believe.

Might be singing monsoon on hari koko.. see hows then.. Finally found MJ's blog. Her english is wonderful!! @@ I still haven't checked what school is she in.. And she doesn't want to tell me either.

JULY 31

ToT I missed the MTV world stage event!!! T0T

I remembered last year me and KC were die trying to get into the finals of my School's Singing Idol Competition. But both of us failed though. This year, i slimply sang to them and they picked me in as the 10 finalist == I have marching and dancing ... On the same day. I wonder if the singing will clash. If it does clash, I will either have to go earlier than the marching thing or later. Though I'm really glad I made it in. This means I have improved alot since last year. But KC is still the same..I warned him not to listen to the others telling him to sing that sing. He didnt want to listen to me. It always happens this way. Then he end up unable to enter the Finals.

Thx to those weirdo's KC can't enter the finals. Anyway, is him that didnt want to listen to me. Because he have mental problems towards me and he didn't realized it only. Everything I said to him is like being filtered away, same goes to my other 'friends'. But Lucky there's Daisy and life still is great.

I suddenly remembered me and Xiao Hei going down to the big drain near by the Train station. It was really big and cooling down there eventhough the sun was shining really brightly and in the afternoon. To me it was a place to hide if I'd ever run away from home. But Daisy said if I'd ever ran, I could come over to his house to stay, but that'd be trouble for him. I really have to collect the money and give him back, as fast as i can, I really don't feel comfortable at all.

Nearly got knocked down by a stupid lady in her ugly car when I was cycling to CL's house with my bag pack behind my back. She even rolled her eye ball on me. Aiyaya! She's the one in the wrong lane! She must be drunk! == I'm going to hunt for her car tomorrow! Flat her tyres! Lol.. But I don't even remember her stupid number plate. I just remember how her darn car looked like..

I still haven't made up my mind what to sing on that day. Suddenly afraid of losing. So many of my friends looking forward to see me win this. Swt..TW said he grabbed his knuckles and rammed his elbow backwards and said, YES!when he heard my name being stated in the list of finalist in the School Idol. It was during the morning talk.

I'm catching up with my studies now. With CL's help, this is going better I think. And I hope so.

I WANT TO SEE TOKIO HOTEL AHH!!!

I promised Daisy not to try to be them but I think I still can be a looney fan of theirs.
I think I'll miss dancing by next year. Hmmm...
Still dislike SiY.
Miss the friendship. Realizing they're not really true. I was in my dreams all along.
Wonder Girl's english sucks == no offence...
If ghosts exists, there should be angels too right?
Currently following a manga, Black Bird and Elfen Lied. =D
Awww... I miss KW and KK... T-T we used to go to the cc together with han and jie de leh... I wonder how they are.. It's really fun playing cards with them and wrestling with them and watching anime's with them until we fall asleep in the living room. Playing PS early in the morning until we go out to have morning tea. Daisy is right about another thing, true friends are people that will stand out to help you when you're in trouble. None of my friends did that though.. Except CL lo.. She's been great. Everytime I tell her about my problems, she will instantly start thinking of an idea to help me. Xiao Hei's just a great listener and a human to accompany but she's great too.

ROCK ON!

JULY 30

Why are you guys treating me like this? What did I do? This isn't fair! When you guys need me you just use my symphathy and take it fro granted. Ignoring what I say is what you guys are best at doing. Filtering the things I say, needing help but not getting any, this is just great. Thx for the great help.

I miss the time we had together. Feeling so envy of others that hold the bond of groups of friendship so strong. While I was left out. This proved. When we were still 'friends' then, i had this feeling left out feel. I was right.treating me in such away. This life sucks!

Crowd cheering, seems like they liked my way of singing. Hope I dont get into the finals or that'd be trouble.

I'm afraid of losing anything.. That's it.. I'm greedy and selfish..

JULY 22

Happy birthday Jiawen.
You've turned 16~

Hoping so much to go to the stupid MTV World Stage thingy.. T-T

I'm cool~
I'm great~
I'm a jerk~

I feed myself Lies
With words left unspoken.

_JW_

-Twenty- JULY 21

SUN

I was really glad he came. Along with his funny friend. But friends can't really get along with him and I know deep down they really hated me for bringing him along. But I don't really care though.. I just want to see him. Then maybe think of what will happen at school later.

I caught ZE staring at my daisy. Pretty annoying though. I know daisy look really gentlemen, but don't stare at him and think no one is looking. She used to boast abt her leng zai bf too. About how he loved her and drives her around with an expensive car. But no one ever saw her with any boy. She lives in her fantasy. Which annoys me too. Basically, the whole package of her annoys me.

MON
Piano class, as usual I know I didn't prepare my song well. So i smiled at my teacher before each song. I think she didn't liked me smiling like that. She stopped me from playing my second song. She asked me to look at her.(I always hated that, asking me to look her in the eye. Because I know she wants to tell me how I suck. again.) It's not like I don't want to know about how I suck, I hate that feeling. I want to change. But saying is easy. To make it come true isn't as easy as saying. She told me I disrespect the piece of music I was given to train on. I didn't like the sound of it at all. Then she also asked me about the poeple around me, the way they looked at me. How did I felt. I know there are a few people in my class that looks down on me. But what can I do..

I can't control their minds either. Teacher then asked me, why did they looked down on me. For one damn sure reason is my grades aren't as good as them. The other is, I don't do homeworks. Because some homework is just a waste of time doing it. When I think of it, they way they try to ignore me, the way they treat me as an invinsible human. Just hurts. alot more than I expected. My 'friends' aren't as true as they seemed to be. So all along I was right. I was alone. In everything, while they accompany each other on everything. I was independent in another way. But this is lonely.

TUE
I was starting to think. Am I being a road block to daisy in his studies. I think I am. even to myself, my own studies. But I hate the fact that if I ever need to part with him. I thought to be stronger, but in the end I just got weaker. The promise I made might just break. I didn't mean anything. I realize I was lonely. Very lonely. And start to think of everytime I write about my life happenings, no matter facing a computer or my diary. I will start crying to myself. Feeling stupid but not sorry. Life isn't easy. Much more harder life for others comparing with mine. But I rather stay poor or un educated to exchange with friends and family warmth. Much more warmth to keep me from harm. I'm greedy. Teacher also says I'm not honest. Yea so what.. I hide the things I shame from admiting. So what. At least it helps me feel better of what I've done.

Hiding from the world is Me.

JULY 09

Last Fri I entered a Chinese society singing competition audition, I was in for the finals. Really happy. To him is nth. But I liked it so much I tell him abt it. He seemed like don't wanna hear about it. ... But at least TW was there to support me.

Today was the finals. I couldn't remember the lyrics for a while because I saw the judges singing along, (The judges is not from our school this year, they invited special guest. Which is a local chinese singer and a local tv station poeple). But then I caught up. swt... I saw teachers smiling, maybe they caught me shaking. Despite shaking like that, At least TW was there to support me in a kinda way, I felt better that he was there. That's maybe he is kind of my idol. Dance icon. haha.. eventhough I seem nothing to him. He said I sang alright. But I really felt bad I had forgotten the lyrics there. My classmates was there to support me, all boys .. haha.. they're good friends much more true than girls, before I got up to the stage they called me 'little leng lui" in chinese then followed by my name. haha.. I felt happy and scared in the same time.

I looked into one of the teacher's eyes and sang to her. She smiled even wider after I did that. Then I looked away still carrying the emotion of the song. A sad face. I planned to move around. But I was stiffed when I got on the stage, I didn't know it'd be this pressured. TW kept snapping pictures of me when I was singing. == It kind of comforted me. lol.

The judges seemed to like my friendly appearance. lol 4 of them smiled really happily.

F was there. After I sang, TW quickly put the camera somewhere he got it from then he sat near me, asking me was I really shaking. I was... I admited. Really scared. ~,~

But at least I started showing some movement nearly at the end of the song.(hands) haha..

F said, I turn the whole chinese song like an english song. And that I kicked the original singer away, and made it my own whole version. Really happy hearing that after I felt bad forgetting the lyrics. Many asked why I chose this song. I told them I don't listen to chinese songs much. So I don't really have much choice.

TW said I seemed really nervous and forgotten the lyrics but overall its really nice. Then I kind of goofed around with him like I did in MidValley after teacher's day performance. He pincehed me because I said something he didnt like. Then he kept laughing at my funny reaction. He seemed to be enjoying it. lol. then i hit him back then used a paper to block me face from his view. His pressed his hands on the paper infront of my face. I cant see him. so I reached out and mess with his head. =,= but my hands were kinda short. So i can't really get a grip on him. I realize I really liked playing with him. It's fun! lol. But too bad..

I thought OSY was going to sing much better than me. But she over did it. She looked so confident. She looked perfect. People calls her leng lui. Yea I don't have anything like that. He was right.. I'm stupid and no look no figure. I'm nothing. It was cruel to say that to me. But he didn't care. I am not him. I can't be. Respect me please. Accept who I am. Live with it or forget me. My life isn't really nice and you're making it worse when you think you are helping me to be more strong. I can't. Let it be. You hurt me more than cheer for me more. You only hear what you want to. I'm not a machine. If others say that to me hell to them. But you cannot. Cause you are special don't you get it? Don't take this for granted.

I thought TW likes to see OSY sing. But it turned out not like what i expected. But he putted her on his crew for the hiphop idol. Sad.

Then later when I was walking home. The twins of my school and some friends accompanied me home. ~
ZY said: My friend said you sang really good, she didn't hear you sing before this was the first time she heard you sang. She said it was really good. You really did good. I will support you!

Twins guys : Its good.( they usually dun say I'm good) You gave people the feeling to want to hear more not like the other participants. [oh wow it was good then good good he said that]

JY: we nearlly forgotten about you, but when we rmbed, we voted our votes for you. :)

I was kind of sad in another way. My 'close' friends didn't come to see me sing. This feeling is nothing good at all.
SY
KC
VH
CL
where were you guys when I need comfort. I need to be in my comfort zone. But you guys weren't around when I needed it. What are friends for. 反而, the friends that are not really close to me supported me.

This didn't feel good at all.

I went home. Smsed him. He called. We chated. he made it kind of worse actually.. He was telling me once again who I should be and he could change me. Saying stuff that stabs. Really wanna watch the movie with him. He treated it like I didn't asked at all. He just planned to see me awhile in the morning. Then leave. And not to come back later to see me again..

.. another day.. another way.. where to find that sunny gaze.. that I was awaiting always.. -JW-