JULY 09

Last Fri I entered a Chinese society singing competition audition, I was in for the finals. Really happy. To him is nth. But I liked it so much I tell him abt it. He seemed like don't wanna hear about it. ... But at least TW was there to support me.

Today was the finals. I couldn't remember the lyrics for a while because I saw the judges singing along, (The judges is not from our school this year, they invited special guest. Which is a local chinese singer and a local tv station poeple). But then I caught up. swt... I saw teachers smiling, maybe they caught me shaking. Despite shaking like that, At least TW was there to support me in a kinda way, I felt better that he was there. That's maybe he is kind of my idol. Dance icon. haha.. eventhough I seem nothing to him. He said I sang alright. But I really felt bad I had forgotten the lyrics there. My classmates was there to support me, all boys .. haha.. they're good friends much more true than girls, before I got up to the stage they called me 'little leng lui" in chinese then followed by my name. haha.. I felt happy and scared in the same time.

I looked into one of the teacher's eyes and sang to her. She smiled even wider after I did that. Then I looked away still carrying the emotion of the song. A sad face. I planned to move around. But I was stiffed when I got on the stage, I didn't know it'd be this pressured. TW kept snapping pictures of me when I was singing. == It kind of comforted me. lol.

The judges seemed to like my friendly appearance. lol 4 of them smiled really happily.

F was there. After I sang, TW quickly put the camera somewhere he got it from then he sat near me, asking me was I really shaking. I was... I admited. Really scared. ~,~

But at least I started showing some movement nearly at the end of the song.(hands) haha..

F said, I turn the whole chinese song like an english song. And that I kicked the original singer away, and made it my own whole version. Really happy hearing that after I felt bad forgetting the lyrics. Many asked why I chose this song. I told them I don't listen to chinese songs much. So I don't really have much choice.

TW said I seemed really nervous and forgotten the lyrics but overall its really nice. Then I kind of goofed around with him like I did in MidValley after teacher's day performance. He pincehed me because I said something he didnt like. Then he kept laughing at my funny reaction. He seemed to be enjoying it. lol. then i hit him back then used a paper to block me face from his view. His pressed his hands on the paper infront of my face. I cant see him. so I reached out and mess with his head. =,= but my hands were kinda short. So i can't really get a grip on him. I realize I really liked playing with him. It's fun! lol. But too bad..

I thought OSY was going to sing much better than me. But she over did it. She looked so confident. She looked perfect. People calls her leng lui. Yea I don't have anything like that. He was right.. I'm stupid and no look no figure. I'm nothing. It was cruel to say that to me. But he didn't care. I am not him. I can't be. Respect me please. Accept who I am. Live with it or forget me. My life isn't really nice and you're making it worse when you think you are helping me to be more strong. I can't. Let it be. You hurt me more than cheer for me more. You only hear what you want to. I'm not a machine. If others say that to me hell to them. But you cannot. Cause you are special don't you get it? Don't take this for granted.

I thought TW likes to see OSY sing. But it turned out not like what i expected. But he putted her on his crew for the hiphop idol. Sad.

Then later when I was walking home. The twins of my school and some friends accompanied me home. ~
ZY said: My friend said you sang really good, she didn't hear you sing before this was the first time she heard you sang. She said it was really good. You really did good. I will support you!

Twins guys : Its good.( they usually dun say I'm good) You gave people the feeling to want to hear more not like the other participants. [oh wow it was good then good good he said that]

JY: we nearlly forgotten about you, but when we rmbed, we voted our votes for you. :)

I was kind of sad in another way. My 'close' friends didn't come to see me sing. This feeling is nothing good at all.
SY
KC
VH
CL
where were you guys when I need comfort. I need to be in my comfort zone. But you guys weren't around when I needed it. What are friends for. 反而, the friends that are not really close to me supported me.

This didn't feel good at all.

I went home. Smsed him. He called. We chated. he made it kind of worse actually.. He was telling me once again who I should be and he could change me. Saying stuff that stabs. Really wanna watch the movie with him. He treated it like I didn't asked at all. He just planned to see me awhile in the morning. Then leave. And not to come back later to see me again..

.. another day.. another way.. where to find that sunny gaze.. that I was awaiting always.. -JW-