-Eighteen- JUNE 30

[XX] really annoyed me today. Again. There is this english oral thing. And I didn't have the chance to return to class to check out what is happening in class on Monday. There was this teacher really sensitive towards the absence of students in her class.. And I missed my oral. [XX] had went back to class and done his ass head oral. He didn't even told me anything about it. I was busy cleaning the cooking stuff. Helping KC out. sorting things out. WTH had he done? He told me he is tired. Indirectly saying I'm not tired la?
And I got dragged back to class today and got mumbled by the long gas teacher. I'm already damn tired, hands fully of cuts. You still make me stand there listen to you talk. I mean.. Theres no wrong of you talking crap. But I'm really in pain and tired. All this goes down to that halve ass sucker. [XX] if he had told me about the oral stuff I would not need to stand there. And apologize where the teacher say no use in apologizing. Go fit ur head in the toilet la. I don't have the mood but I still force myself to apologize. You go talk blah blah blah. Blur yourself to death in your own house don't blah in front of me. As for [XX] , you really think you're boss if your bro put you in charge? Don't go flirt with teachers boys or girls asshole! You have to help out at least abit dude. And you tell me you're tired. My ass to that.

[You say I'm fix..
But I still feel Broken..]
Piano Class
I know I'm not good enough yet. The last thing I need is for my teacher giving me faces saying she gave up. She really did everything I predicted she would. Which really.. Broke me.. In pieces.. She doesn't know. She's not only a teacher to me. She's a friend. A closes friend. A trustable friend. And yet she told me to come for extra training. And that day. She say that those days if i don't go also no use le. I don't feel well those days. I pulled myself together and train. And yet she said that. I really don't know what to feel anymore. Then she added saying she give up on me.. I thought.. She said before that she could help me fufil something in my life which seemed so useless to me. She don't really know everything she says means alot to me. Why hurt me in that way..

I cried 3 times today.. Really need to find someone to talk to. And everyone in the world to me seemed so bad mood. But when there is time to talk. He say he doesn't have the mood. and says he wants to sleep.. What did I do wrong.. Teacher say I have to be strong in anything. I can't.. I'm sorry.

I hate.. my..li..fe..
Going to find a time to end it..
This is just too much for me..

-Seventeen-[iii]

Heavy black eye shadow, black nails, punk glove, punk fringe, punk shoes, punk chains. What do I still haven't have.. hmm... I should put black toe nails too. Buy a black choker. Black ear darts. Big ones so that people can see. I saw someone talk about anime freaks like me. They call it 'otaku'. lol. Sounds funny.

I drawn a cartoon-like of Tom and Bill Kaulitz gonna post it up soon. They're just so cute to me.

I lost most of my exercise books for school. I left it in the school drain in my stupid lab classroom. I really hate losing stuff like that. It felt not worth it. Really really regreted why did I kept forgetting to take them home. Now I have to waste money to buy new ones and copy all the previous homework. The other girls who lost them didn't give a damn. I asked them what would they do. They gave me a wierd expression. Meaning they didn't even think of what would happen.

I finally made my choice not to see what are they going to do and do it my way. Waiting for them to do something would take a century more.

As for [XX], no more mister nice guy. I was always trying to be nice to you so that we could at least be friends again. Too bad.. I have woken up from my stupidity. No more. You show me your stupid look again I'll give you back the same reaction. It sounds childish, so what. Facing childish people and extreme childish people like me have to fight like a baby. You way of walking pisses me off, the way you talk pisses me off, that day when you were infront of the class doing your malay oral. Your look pisses me off, the way you talked pisses me off. What do you think you are huh? A manager of something. You don't talk like you are a powerful guy when you are not. Stupid me, I was afraid you would forget your stupid text so I do not dare to look at you and praying silently that you would do well. STUPID ME!

Lately collecting what my friends said about me:

• I cry easily
• Being with me pumps up her courage
• Being with me he/she could be himself
• he/she could share secrets with me
• I own my style in almost everything
• I look scary when I scold people being in a angry mood
• Being with me makes him/her laugh alot, because I laugh at things that are not funny and the way I laugh makes people laugh
• I think wierdly and say things that make people laugh(jokes alot)
• I call myself 'Leng Zai' all the time
• He said I was caring
• I greet people in school with 'Yo!' when they say 'Hi!'

I still kind of feel like a 'air-bag' for most of the people around me.

I still love my family, excluded him. I still hate you very much. I pretend to be okay with you but no.

I miss dancing. I miss going out with cool friends. I miss being with Paulie and Michelle and eventhough their bird that bites my bands alot.

I wish pitifully to see Tokio Hotel and take a picture with them. I want to hug the whole band.

There are no falling stars to put a wish upon them in the city.
So can I pretend airplanes are falling stars.
I could really use a wish right now. -Airplanes-

I'm still a nobody. I know.

Lastly...
Aishiteru-mo Daisy-san.. Gengki desu-neh? I hope you are.

-Seventeen-[ii]

For starters, i was too tired yesterday writing abt the previous entry, so i decided to continue today, about the picture, I was in a baby ride. It supprised my family that I can actually enter it. This small taxi is in 1U.

Very Huay called me last night 11 sumting, when I was watching a movie with my bro, he told me how was he but he actually called me to ask me out. It has been 2 years since we last saw each other. Chatting with him makes me happy since so long he is still the same. But I was worried about the friends he is mixing with. He seemed to have 'go to the wrong road'. That bugs me alot. Hope someone can notice him more.

-Seventeen-JUNE 26

~~ First of all.. TOKIO HOTEL YOU STILL ROCK!!!

piano exam creeping up~~ uh~~ come on! I can do this! I didnt fail my maths~ yes yes!! I'm gonna do better next time. I know I will. A bargain has been made and I have made my signature. Break the bargain.. well lets not think about that. Cause I won't let myself drop to that position.

Second~~ My brother's results shocked me! I cannot take it anymore! Not only my brother's result pressuring me. My classmates! NO! [XX] I will not let you look down on me. NEVER. So what your results are alot better than I am. I'm coming. I'm chasing up. Thanks to bro I have awaken the spirit that has long gone since form 1. Thank my bro. Han thx alot. I'm telling all of you who stares down at me, I'm chasing up the time that i had waste. Half a year is gone. I need confidence. I can do this. Is all I can say to push me. Thx for your support boyy. I love you but I can't say it out, it might sound wierd. So.. Boyy! My little han han! You can do better! Eventhough I show faces at you when you tell mum ur results that are alot better than mine, But i do that to push myself to study. I have to correct what I have done wrong the passed 3 years that I had wasted. Adding them together, 3 years and a half. Budd dahh... [XX] watch out. Wen here is about to shout you off your shoes. Don't be so cocky.



Third~~ Things seemed to be clearing up.. I see more than I used to in human behaviour. But still do not know how to react. Xiao hei thanks for listening me out. I hate backstabbers. Hit the wall Budd dahh... I entered the audition. Was abit scared . not because of facing the crowd. Is because of my stupid sore throat I was afraid I would not pull through the high pitches. But.. It turned out okay. The crowd gave a better responds than I thought. Personally thanking Tze Wei for waving his hands when I was singing when no one did. I was really happy. really really.



A word to the wise girl who left me a loving comment.
First~

Your grammar suck and its really pissing me off. Where did you learn your english huh? =.=

Changed of subject, if you, wise girl ever enter my blog and read what I wrote again to see my responds to your comment, I want to thank you. If you just created a new blog account just to give me a comment... =_= I don't dare to state any comment. I'm afraid I might just say something stupid and piss you off.

Second~
You-Don't-Know-Me
I'm guessing you must be one of the 'victim' of the 'big bad wolf'.
If i were you, i got dumbed by a guy, I would not want to know anything about his after-me-life. I would not go to FB and check on his status, Check out who is he with now, know more about his new girl, giving the girl advice. Urhh... maybe I would give the advice but I wouldn't even know a thing about the wise girl, so I wouldn't have the chance to give any advice.

Second guess, You're someone he annoyed or you-think-he-hurt-your-friend and you're now getting a pay back. Introducing myself to you, I'm wierd. Basically, NOT NORMAL. I don't think like you think I do. You can call me stupid but I call it MY WaY.

If he is cheating behind me, I care, but it's his choice and I respect that no matter what. As long as I know he is okay, he is safe, he is not doing anything illegal. That puts a footstop to it. As long as I am with him now, I am happy, thats all. But if he decided to dump me, he wants something new, I will just have to live with it. Life goes on my dear wise girl, you might be older than me, I'm a brat. So what.. in this world. anyone can be a teacher. == now i'm talking like a old lady. xD Budd Dahh~

If he is just using me. I will be heart broken, but life STILL goes on.

Oh yea.. If you are the girl that he told me about, he called you a bitch. ^^ live with that. B-I-A-T-C-H-E.

Thanks for the advice by the way. I'll keep that in mind. But after all you have read, You know i don't give a damn what you say, lastly, ur grammar sucks like shit dude.. Fix it. You'll kill someone like that.

-JW-

-Sixteen-

I'm trying to tell you

Fighting to get you

I'll never let you go

I hate that i need you so

It's not what you said

It's the way you say it

It's not what you did

It's the way you do it

Sick and tired of needing your attention

I chose to be lonely than live without your Attention

I scratch your sweet name

Right into my skin

You left me bleeding

But I couldn't give in

I'm standing in the pain

that's smothering me

It's more becoming a bother to me

That I'm starving for your love

And I need attention

JUNE 19

I got my 'curtain' back, yay~ It really does alot of help when I'm crying. Cause no one can see through them. lol.. Suddenly got interested again by Bleach. Currently following the comic and anime on YouTube.

Air Gear
So wierd comic. Kinda slow actually when you just read the manga and then watch the anime. Wierd wierd..

Slept in late missed cadet meeting.. Great..

Dad's being quite pushy when he's in a bad mood. Bad aura just flows around him. Fobia..

My voice is back! But I'm still sick.. lol.. SY is acting wierd and i don't think I can trust her anymore. They need help for their camp performance. But once CS asked to call me none of them called. KC tells me that they don't want to disturb me thats all. Am i being sensitive again.. But I can't help it. This feeling really makes me feel so left out. I kept thinking, if i ran away from home. Where can I go. Apparently .. no where to.. that makes me sadder..

Food
Cheese...stick...
Cheese...cake...
Cheese...Bread..

pizza..
sushi..

School is going to start soon. I'm shaking caused by the fear of my results.. I flunked my maths paper and I'm dead. Others are good. but.. maths... == i cannot fail this subject.. I'm going to feel so bad I might just climb out my room window and dive into the backyard drain. I realize when I'm sick I kinda get a better attitude from everyone. Sad..

KC say if I feel like crying I can just pull MH's hair. LOL... If i could feel better by doing that that's great.

I held a chick.. feel warm when I placed the chick so close to me. I was thinking all along today in the bird park, I have flu. If my flu goes to the birds. That causes BIRD FLU. xD

The amazing thing about birds, the only creature that can fly.

See? they even made the bin as a bird! =o=

Check that out.. The stupid bird is sleeping.. With its leg dangling behind. SO geng ahh..

Drawings 12/6

Art By Jiawen

-Big eye Humanoid-

Going to emo land...

I'm a freak
Stuck in fantasies
Which does not exists..

You want to fix me
Push me
Into your perfect world.

You want me to change
But all I feel is strange..

What's making you happy
Is making me sader.

I'm not what you want me to be
Sorry..

-Fifteen- 10th of June, year 2010

Things I have notice in human behaviour lately:

• Do not scare a person when he/she is doing something really seriously, they get loony when you scare them. Most probably will roll they're eye on you.


• When you say "Hey you're a nice guy" to a boy while you are a girl and that boy has really bad manners, you're just saying to cheer him up, he'd be really happy.


• Don't look away when another person is staring at you like he/she hates you or have the eyes to tell you that they wanna eat you. Stare back at them straight in the eye, they'd look away.


• Giving someone too much attention will buy their trust but sooner or later you have to ignore them, or they'd take your attention for granted.


• Do not over react in things or people thinks you need attention, which will give you a nice face in front, but pokes you in the back.


• When someone is down and he or she didn't approach you and you kind of want to be friends with him/her politely say, cheer up or sit beside him/her when he/she is present. Everyone needs someone involuntary cheer up's.


• Giving up in things makes the perfect failure.


• You can tell when someone is lying, when they talk their features in their face changes alot. Or their face nerves keeps twiching in small parts you would not notice. Keep your eyes open, you'll see.


• When someone is shy to face something their facing, when they talk they would look to their bottom left or the right.. They would not look up and straight into your face.


• When someone has a crush on you and doesn't know(and you're a girl), he will frequenly find ways of letting you notice him or say horrible things to you so that you would notice him.


• If you're a guy and this person likes you, she would smile differently to you than others. Talk to you in a different way than her friends. Boys shouldn't over react infront of the people they like, you won't get her attention, but only chase her away.

Bill Kaulitz!!

<3 <3 <3 -JW-

-June 07-

Art By JW

Art by JW

Art By JW

Art By JW

Art By JW

Art By winryDove. Art by JW

-Fourteen- 7/6/2010

The school performance is over. I enjoyed this the most. I wonder why..But really sad.. I can't dance anymore. sigh..

Piano exam coming up.

I flunked my math paper and too afraid to tell my mum, just said, yea it was ok.. when it is NOT!

Piano teacher pushing me mum pushing me dad pushing me, all saying I'm gonna fail this if I dont train. I will. If you guys could just.. BACK UP! I need air..

Youtube you suck!!

Paul and Michelle is coming to Malaysia!! Yes yes yes!! Can't wait to see them. It's been quite some time. I missed their parrot. eventhough it liked biting me. lol.

Teacher: I'm not a loser, I'm not a failure, don't act like you know me, you dont.
Mum: c-could y-ya g-give me a break? Just a matter of question..

Dad: Leave me alone.

Jie: Thx for looking out for me.
Boyy:Stop acting cool, you're not. I'll teach you to be cool. lol

Xiao Hei: I will miss you~~ lol
Tze Wei and the gang: Thanks..

(Eventhough I know you guys wouldn't read this.)

-Thirteen- 13/5/2010

LIFE SUCKS!

-Twelve- 12th of May

I'm.. afraid.. Yet really no one to talk to(Its always been like that, no one to talk to). responds I'm getting from Daisy, I'm playing games, I don't have time for you. When I am down, Don't disturb me or I'll 'kill' you. I'm too sensitive to notice these stuff. I'm too sticky.. I lost.. confidence in everything I do. I have to find it back. Fast.. Or I'll never succeed in anything. Maybe I'm wrong to give him so much attention. I was right, I don't have luck in these. Guardian angels don't exists get over it. I was lucky enough to pull through things in my life is bcuz of my own effort.-

-You Suck- is mostly best for me now. Yea.. I suck. I'm about to get tired of these. He used to said, I dont need to be jealour of my sister having so many bfs, because I have him, duh.. I don't really think so. I'm getting tired now. Msging to his phone getting less responds. Desprate to hear his voice and cry silenty when his voice runs like soft music in my ears. I'm tired of this. I'm not a perfect person. But there are things I wish I could improve. I have countless bad habits and some am too shy to state.

Normally I could cry in my room automatically. But now, I evolved i think, I cant cry as easy as I could. This is suffering.

p/s:

• Still the same
• nobody gets how I feel
• nobody gets what i think of
• nobody to talk to.. as always
• I know I'm not the best for you
• All I want to do is love you but I'm the only one to blame
• I know I've been selfish
• I know I've been foolish
• But I'll do better

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
Because it's cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because it's cold inside...

-JW-

-Elevent- 11th of May, Year 2010

I held the pressure of upset-ness the whole day yesterday.. I didn't really made out why am I so stressed and sad. I tried alot to cry so that I feel better. Seems so hard for my tears to come out. I miss you Brenda.. I miss you Wee Teck.. How I wish we could goof around like we used to now that you all seemed to have moved on and I'm the only one holding on to that relationship we used to have. Wee Teck, I miss you taking chicken wings from my lunch box. Brenda I miss you hitting me, I know... It really do hurts but I still miss it. I really wish I can turn my -now- friend's life upside down. see how they feel.

-Ten- 23rd Of April

Daisy starts school on 10th of May. from that day onwards I don't think He would have much time to spend with me. After school he took me to have lunch(where I meet May Poh and Chen Hui). I know he's not working, I know he is running low on money. i was actually really hungry. I looked through the menu, the prices of almost everthing is killing my eyes. he asked me what I wanted. I looked up and close the menu. I shake my head. He smiled, I like to see him smile. I kept my self looking cool with a neutral expression. He ask me if I am sure I don't want anything a lot of times. I just kept shaking and shaking my head. He finally ordered what he wanted. Then a pair of couple walked in and sat beside our table. They were holding their hands across the table. =,= ENVY~~~ I can feel my heart being grabbed by someone.

I suddenly remembered what I have been saying the past few years, I have no luck in love.
I'm not pretty, I don't look attractive, I have weird personality, I'm childish, I'm ordinary, not good looking body shape. Only this year I started recieving roses and presents from boys. It hurts to see someone alot better than the overall of who I am... ...

I entered a 'slice frog' activity in school on 22nd of April, yday. As my friends sliced the frog, I felt the same heard ache. pity those frogs.. really really.. nearly cried.. lol.. =-= I held my tears back. Don't wanna get laughed at.

2mr got school ahh... Sat leh!!! zzz.. bro lo! go tell mum. sien... zz..

-Nine- 20th of April, Year 2010

I am really getting more and more pissed

off by the CXXXT head. That.. zzz..

He treats girls in cxxxt like back ups.

Then the most credit goes to boys lo hor?

Hell no! I am no rookie dude.

-Eight- 15th of April Year 2010

This year, I got seperated with XX, I meant, we are now in different classes. at first I was really sad, then I got over it. Come to think of it.. I have like xx for fully 3 years and three months. I can't really mix around with people. Especially girls in my class, 4B. But at least Ah Tzun was there to accompany me. At first we both were being great friends together. Then there is this.. really really! ANNOYING Teacher keeps saying that me and Ah Tzun is dating. Who are you to give a statement like that missy?

Damn with her bloody head I can say. Everytime she says that I get all pissed off. I would not date my best friend! HELLOO? You need someone to fix ur tangled up veins in your head I see. Try knocking the wall! That might help!

I hate cocky people, people that thinks that they're all that. They really annoy me. Now I know why Kim choon treats xx like that. zzz bcuz xx is that type of people, cocky without anything to 'cock' with.

This is what I wanna say to you xx:

• You're not that good looking so get over it.


• No! I will never like you so get a grip.


• Don't be shity on me, I haven't do anything wrong.


• No you don't know me as well as you think you do.


• Hit the wall or something.


• Jump our school building and never show your face infront of me.


• I know I'm not as good as you in studies.


• But I have been to many countries, try beating that.


• I'm street smart, are you?


• No, I do not mean to blow water on I am rich, I am not, my family got money to other countries is because we save them to have holidays, eat less, buy less, go out less.


• Check your yong sui face on the mirror!

-Seven-

Music died on the 25th of June 2009

• Lost my phone because it was stolen during my headmistress's Retirement.


• Lost all my data inside my phone.


• I feel sad because I cant tell anyone


• Because they would onnly blame me more


• Curse you sucker who stolen my phone

-JW-

-Six- 30.6.09

Woo HOO!!! Piano exam is over~ And I say~ OVER!! Sad of the passing of MJ. I wasn't a fan of him but I still feel sad.. wonder why..

I notice xx this days keep sticking to my xx. Very very.. annoying.. But xx he didnt really choi her and yet kacau me. xD but still.. ANNoyING~

-Five- 2.6.09

My piano exams(JUNE 25) are near. I entered the hip hop group in school. Performed for the teachers. And hell yea that was heck of a fun time I had with the crew. Well I screwed up a bit. But it has been like a dream come true to me dancing hiphop moves.

Mum tells me my MP4 just spoiled because I forgotten to take it out from my pocket last night when I just finish training the dance moves. It was 6.15am in the morning that time I have to meet up with the dancing crew at 6.30am

My drawing skills are getting better, happy me~ I'm gonna make another sim music vid soon. Hope it works in a better quality this time. My dancing leader, tze wei, he's err... quite soft.. To me la.. (PLEASE NOT THAT-I wrote this down in year 2009) I even assumed he is .. gay.. But someone told me he is not. He's a nice guy.---------------------------------------I wonder if I would koin this group again next year.. hmm...

In this dancing group I get to know more people like that girl lives near my house (she gave me a nickname-xiao huang so I gave her -xiao hei) She always looks angry and fierce. But actually she's a really nice person. Jokes alot too. It's really a supprise she actually knows how to joke. Cuz she always look so angry. I have known her eversince.. err.. put it this way, my brother knows her brother(which is an ass) and I sometime see her cycling around with her brother around Maluri.(where I lived since I was borned)

I mean.. this dancing event just brought all of us, different ages, classes, places together as a team. It's fun being with them. But.. When they start to chat I get the same feeling every I go, I don't fit in. I feel left out. Cause, the movies, music they listen to, much of a difference of what I watch and listen to. They have this astro thing, i don't have there are much things there you know?

So sometimes when they settle down and chat, I really felt like leaving first. Sad.. and yet I missed the days we were all together. And its also kinda funny when they goof around. I wonder.. when will we meet again? hopefully.. soon.. i can see.. they are my type, I just have to understand more, what upsets them, notice more. then I will know how to fit in. Well.. I still like being at home lock myself in my room drawing.. best for me..

-Four- 7.7.08

The results are out. From the place of number 10 in class, I've jumped to the place 4th. ^^ This is exciting! I didnt say much when I got my result. That day xx got the place of 6th she flirts around the class and infront of my XX!! How dare she!! xD She keeps saying:'Yes! yes! yes!' I got 4th and didnt say anything == what the- sigh... suan le suan le.. xx got 27th. not bad for him. I hope he does know how flirty XX is

I know this is very bian tai but, xx I've save some of ur good looking pics in my MP4 so that i can stare at you as long as I want, Because I cant stare at you in class, I'm afraid you might know I was looking at you. pity me.. Then you might start to ignore be because you know i like you. then really sei fo..

• afraid I might get hurt by relationships


• I see dead people in my dreams(not anymore in year 2009)


• love is just not my luck


• Don't give up

-Three-5.5.08

Hum..hum.. Exam is around the corner.. badabuu...badumbuu.. Well, I just have to workd hard I guess.. =] Got good news and bad news, bad news.. My class mate, Oxx(gangbanger) also likes the person I like~~ I know.. that's just stupid.. Well I can't help it can I? Good news, he doesn't like girls with small eyes and cocky face (which xx has) He likes girls with pretty and clever. Sigh.. I didnt think I have any chance too. But you know what? Life goes on~

HAHA~ I'm so evil~ ONe thing I would like to see, xx look jealous.. xD Hope my exam results are good and impress my parents to buy things for me! XP

• TRUST IN YOURSELF!!

-Two-24.4.08

我不是你们的出气筒啦！！Everyone wants to bully and hurt me.. LEAVE ME ALONE!

-One- 24.4.08

I hate having a headache.. It's been bothering me whole week! DAMN! I've just quarelled with mum. She was scolding me and warning me about some new, expensive socks. =-= I know.. I am wrong..But come on.. having a headache, being scold and lectured plus having a bad day at school! This isn;t a good way of starting my night! Yeah I know, she told me not to fold my socks down. =p

-NOTES-

• yOU have to act fast when someone touches you in a very 'yam lou' way! don't stay stunned there.


• wondering being a boy is cooler or a girl is better?

Tired Of Everthing

-Thirteen- 13/5/2010

I hate you guys treating me this way! What have I done to need to face all of you!??? What have I done?? Guardian angel.. If you do exists.. PLEASE..Help me.. Or I am going to sprout white hairs and might die young.. Mum.. dont do that to me please..You show signs that you regret bringing me to this world do you know how would I feel?? Don't do that please.. I hate that. Makes me feel worthless, not wanted anywhere..at all.. Stop this! please? Friends are for helping out not for back-stabbing! Curse you XXX!! and XXX!! I hate your poisonous pokes coming out from your mouth! XXX!! I really want to cry out loud but the tears just can't come out.. I feel worse like that.. What is happening.. T-T I HATE ALL OF YOU!! XXX! DON'T USE ME AS A TOOL TO IMPRESS CL Fish you!! ALL OF YOU!! Can't I be treaten better?? I am not! a gas.. jar! I don't want you all to lose your bloody tempers on me or make fun of me when you're upset! AMEN!