He came to see me last night. I was really happy to see him not because he dressed up and look cool and nice all that. I just want to see him.


He seemed really happy.
I'm Glad.


At a moment where both of us kept quiet, me staring at him he stares back at me.


He suddenly looks down at his hand where he wears the ring i gave him.


My eyes followed where his eyes went.
He gave the ring a spin.

My heart suddenly felt like something grabbing it.
But then he looked up and smile at me.

Did he meant to give the ring back to me?
Did he... meant to let go?

I know,
this exam that he had just passed through is hard and went through alot.
But this is just minor courses, what happens when the next one comes? another beats another harder and harder.
He said he's tired of me.
It was really sad to see that.
Even him.
Says I'm really tiring to care about.
What place shall I stand now.

He didn't return me the ring. He says he gotta go afraid my dad would be back any time. Bade him goodbye. He was smiling all the way. What got into him I wonder. So happy. Can't feel that though. fake.

But who am I to judge anyway..

I just can't trust those features after treating me cold.

I sick of being treated like that.

He says he wants to go play with his cousins and friends.
Didn't like the sound of it I don't know why.

Pasts don't stay as pasts.
They return to haunt us.
Like nightmares.
Those are pasts.
βʏ:Ĵιαωɛи (Ƨʋи 29 2010)

[Ƨʋи 29 2010 (ιι)]
woke up at 7 something. Didn't do much. Just lying on my bed. As expected. he didn't message me when he got home. Maybe he thinks it's pointless. But its good to wake up and see his message he's got home safely. He'll be sleeping quite long today. How should I know if he's ok if he don't give me a "I'm home" message.

sigh.. I'll wait keep myself hang up.

(Ƨαт 28 2010)
I've done finally one thing stupid enough. For him.
I got up early. Afraid he would skip his test but mostly won't. Just incase. Don't really know what he was thinking. I just had to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. I messaged him at 9, nearly 10am. 

"Morning. Are you awake? Have to wake at 11. Got exam. Got set alarm ma? Dun be late ahh.. How's ur stomach. Remember take med in time.. Dear.. :-* take care. ok?"

I woke up at 8, I setted that alarm after recieving daisy's last message.. Feeling dizzy stomach feels weird didn't eat much last night. waiting to message him. then he didn't replied. I was afraid he's still sleeping. But no way ah, he's at his friend's place.

Then the 11am alarm rang.
I waited around 2 or 3 minutes then message him, asking if he's awake.
He replied.
"Not free."

Stunned and don't know what to do anymore. Feel like going back to sleep. Sleep all day. But not moving an inch. listening to the music I turned on so loud to keep me awake when waiting for the time to pass to message him. Indirectly asking me to go away.

I still sat there. Not moving anything. Tears start coming down my cheeks again. It dropped on my phone's screen. I pushed the phone aside. Still sitting there listening to the music roaring in my ears.

I picked up my phone and replied him.
"加油"
Didn't know what else to say.
Then after his exam his mood switched.
Didn't feel good.
Just react as normal.

-Ĵιαωɛи-

(Ғяι 27 2010)
Got into a fight with him. Because he saw TW where I'm beside him.

I remember that the most.
Because there is where I was nearly crying and my friends saw.
They asked me not to be that way. They tried to help me make him feel better.

TW told me to tell him something and I did. The next message in is saying that. "wow. got improvement. =D"

I smiled and slowly laughed abit. Really happy to see him say that.

On the way back. To my house.
Alot was passing through my mind.

• I know I won't be better without him, but will he be better without me.
• Feel like breaking my phone in half.
• making him feel angry again I hate myself more.
• don't feel like going home.
• this might happen again, can he take it. No i don't think so. who can?
• Didn't like the way he asked me to 'explain myself' brings up bad memories.
• I still love him, should I tell him? no it'd sound weird.
• I hate my life very much. Should I say it out that time? No. It'd sound weird making things worse.
• "Sorry I kept quiet and didn't explain in the other way round I got angry. Afraid I would cry out loud." Should I have said that? Couldn't talk so much.Felt dizzy and tired. Might be because I was hungry.
• What should I say what should I say? I can't keep quiet like this. But if I tried to talk I'll cry worse.
• I don't want to see anyone that time. Just want to hide in my room.

I go into my room.
Dropped my bag. Ignoring my mum calling for me.
Grabbed my pillow push it down on to my face until i can't breathe and scream.
Indeed my marks weren't good.
Really really angry with myself. In this situation, there should be more people saying "Ya la. You should have do this this this, shoudn't done that that that." Only if I told anyone about my situation. Yea I'll be facing more people telling how I sucked how I screwed.

As i was about to message him. His message came in. Then we chatted awhile until this message came in. My day went worse." Facebook I decide to lock le.. Really sien.. Later I angry over some of my own small problem.. Go tution la.. Tata"

I replied tata too. Didn't know what to say anymore. Then the next message even worse.
"Dunno what to say le.. Dun bother bout me la.. Dear keep doing I dun like de things.. So be it.. I won't care le.. Very lazy and tired.. Very sien.."

That's okay. My fault to blame. Then after tuition. My stomach killing me. No food since morning just bread.Dizzy. about to faint. his message made me awake. all he answer.
"O.. OK.." All short message. Like he doesn't want to answer me. really don't wan care don't want bother. Ignore Ignore Ignore. Fine. After my dinner.

I message him again. Asked him has he studied for tomorrow's exam. He say he has been doing absolutely nothing. Great. Wanted to tell him about my marks I got. No. better not I was thinking keep this to myself. Wanted to tell him I was sorry stop being like that. Doing this to himself it's a shield. For me.Blocking me from him.


He kept indicating he don't want to study and stuff like that.
Messages of him keeping my heart being squeezed all the time..

"Work hard? for what? Try everthing so hard for what? Think so much for what? Sorry if i make ur mood worse.. Next time I no mood I lock myself up.."
"I'm tired.. That's all."
"I'm tired of you."
"I don't think you want to take this relationship seriously."
"Sorry I hurt you. To be fair.. You hurt me too.. Not only a single day.."
"Giving up on you I won't.. Just giving up in trying.. Learning how not to bother and jealous.."
"Return your freedom." (I don't have freedom. What is it to return.)

 

I'm not pretty I'm not great.
I'm not perfect but At least I'm not a fake.

I talk about people
But what about me
I love myself
So that is free
Hit me I cry
Cut me I bleed
I'm a weaker human you see?

Creating barriers protecting myself
Ending up solitary lifes I'll lead
Yet still
It hurts to see what happens around me.

If you're hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed.

To have red soggy eyes is as to smile and stare.
To cry is as to laugh.
To scream is as to say I'm happy.

living in a lie where all conditions don't seemed right.
what's more left to hide.
despicable talks and despicable lies.
shattery shattery a lowly tide.
what comes when it goes up high.
what is to be seen is to be saw,
what is to be feel is to be felt.

Say so,
Past stay as pasts,
but present people state pasts when they just said it has passed.

_JW_

AUG 19

It seems that CL has proven one thing for sure. HAha.. I was the stupid one holding on to a fake friendship line. Now I have to suffer facing posers.
CL said, I trusted them to much, I misjudged them. Now I feel like the biggest dumbo. They just see me as thin air And I thought I treated them like gold they'd do better in return. Nah...
I'm so stupid..

Seeing them grouped together and I have seem to become invincible.. Really really.. hurts.. yet No tears.. weird.

Don't feel like joining any activities now, any dumb activities which involve them..

It seems that I had became invincible.
It seems that I am better off sitting a side.
For one thing I'm sure I'm not a faker and you guys are posers.
Living in a lie like you guys, isn't it tiring?
Well enough, I'm pulling myself out from the crowd.

You guys can't see me?
Fine. I can't see you too.
May our memories stay as memories.
I'm vulnerable.
Fragile.

For the new friends I knew. Hope you guys won't do anything dumb like those posers did. IT hurts from the inside where I can't cry nor feel my tears. It's really pressuring.
Posers, stay in your dumb non-living world. I'm about to get out of there and no longer be a crowd with you guys.
Yes its fun living in a fantasy, but it's not really that great when there are jealousy between friendship topping that up, back-stabbers.

You guys can't beat me in knowledge I've been to so many places and countries, seen so many different weird acting people. Boycott all you want from now on I'm only appreciating the people who really loved me and not only to see me as a goal to beat. You guys can never beat me, lazy freakin' ass. Beating you guys in studies ain't that hard, cause you guys don't study at all. ==

Be street smart I'm okay with that I don't need you guys. Stay in the streets go ahead. Don't come up to my level if i ever get a chance of not seeing you guys ever again.

This is a song lyrics which pretty sure fits me:

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of space?

Like somehow you just don't belong here.
And no one understands you.
Do you ever want to run away? (i really do)

Do you lock yourself in your room? (I do that)

With the radio turned on so loud. (I did this too)

That no one hears you screaming. (And this)

No you don't know what it's like.
When nothing feels alright.
You don't know what it's like to be like.. me..

To be hurt To feel lost

To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

- Welcome to my life-


[This is exactly how I felt when I was sitting behind you guys. I feel like a big big big lame fool!]

Damn all of you!! T,T sigh......

AUG 07 [ii]

lol.. someone posted my malurian idol singing competition into facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/video/video.php?v=414305023494

it was pitchy and i was looking around in the crowd for those guys. Then nearly at the end I'd forgotten the lyrics because I was thinking of them too. Where they were? My expression was horrible that time. The vid really shows how bad i looked. lol..

After sitting back down with the group I felt left out again. Hopefully not going to go through this again. Then this silly shit ask me to tell [XX] this that this that. I was really pissed and you're asking me to do this and that ah. I didn't wait for her to finish what she wanted to say. I just cutted in and told her to tell him herself. To her stupidity reply, she answer fast asking why i don't want to tell him. == she is either retard in brain or somewhere else. I said that she is the one who wants to talk. Tell him herself! I stood up and walked away. [XX] kept asking me to sit back down. Fcuk his ass. Shut up you sucker. Go suck on sumones C*ck or sumting. Wasn't in a sunshine mood that time. I could screw up his stupid marching formation if I wanted. But that would be really bad image for my 'friends'(which plays as friends. Fakers, posers plus new term, Losers) too. So i kept quiet.

Oh yea. After watChing back my singing competition vid I realize that someone shouted for my phone number. I didnt catch that when I was in the performance spot. =D At least I know I don't own an imaginary bf. Unlike someone else who imagines someone is with her all the time and likes herself too much, living in her own imaginary world ain't bringing you anywhere. So shut ya hole loser. When you really have someone who really cared about you and love you then you talk about it. Stop putting large fonts all around your stupid blog. I admit I'm interested to your bloody blog, but this is the reason, I want to know how your life sucked, how a loser you are, how much crap you talked about and are there lies in your blog. If not another term will be added to you as labeled, LOSER. Thinking you look beutiful and you can really do what you're interested in makes me sick. The way you talk makes me feel that you can go to hell. Your english sucks stop using it and use your own mother tongue back you sucker. The way you act the fake smile the fake eyes you have just makes me feel another term that suits you: Discusting. irritated by you.. Go to hell don't stay in the the planet you lived in right now. You stupid think-you're-all-that-girl. PUI! Bet you have a hairy ass.

Yea I know I'm not great or special. But the way you act in every aspect in live gives me the rights to talk about you. Faker. You big retard. Go to hell. No offence. I just HATE you..

as for[XX] since you're back, you looked like crap to me.
For xiao hei thanks for always coming to see me often when you're free. If we had time I'd like to ride our bikes up to desa or somewhere as far as we can go.

For SiY, yea all the boys think you're pretty and stuff like that. To be you're just another big poser posing to be like a nice cute innocent girl. To me you looked really nice, yea. At first I really liked you too really think you're so natural and cool in another way so girlilicious nice. But as time passed the more time I was with her I notice her politeness was another fake thing to see. I spend long time with rich people's sons and daughters, they give me the high- class feeling isn't the same like how this SiY gives me. POSER. Continue to fool the people around you Yea you like attention so much get yourself into a gay club and dance there. == loser.. You and your over lenght lower chin. Pui! no offence. I was really angry when I think of how she pushed OO away. Hit the wall suckers!

AUG 07 [i]

Hari koko is over. the training that we had was really tiring for me. My legs now feel like they're about to abandon me. just 30minutes top can memorise the formation. wonder why some people still can do it right say very gan jeong. == zz.. sien..

(I sang Listen To Your Heart ORIGINAL singer-Roxette-re/sang[DHT])
My singing went well I guess. To my frens they say it was really nice. To me.. I don't think I did my best.. Was abit scared. But the cheering from unknown people gave me courage though. ^^ They keep waving their hands wildly and shout for me. That really helped alot. But I was singing for my frens only, they told me not to quit this competition, if not I already quited it long time ago. But when i was singing, I stared hard into the crowd around me, they weren't around. But it's okay.I sang finish i ran back to the marching position, the crowd went wild. Was really happy.
[XX] let us rest awhile then they came.. TW asked, hey u sing dy ah?
Didnt really liked it at all. I was really angry when i heard him say that. Singing for you guys where you were? but its ok.. Nearly cried too. I hold my tears. Being strong. Xiao hei tried to comfort me by leaning on me. I tried to smile. But it was hard. cant say anything cuz I'm afraid to cry. So before joining back into the crowd i said:' This is already the third one singing.' Feeling really sad I turned around and walk into the gang of cadets.

Names Given By Human beings around me

Xiao Huang
Leng Zai
Win win wen wen~
Wen Zi(mosquito)
Ah Wong
Jia Wen


Teacher told me about Lamas in Tibet though.. Say they can seperate their soul and drift to other places and can be in 2 places at once.

Strange.. no matter how teacher is trying to convince me that this was proven by who who who, I still couldn't trust it. I'm trying to believe it is real. But it still doesn't clicks in. Oh well, I'm interested in weird stuff like that anyway. She also says that there are many universe in this WORLD. Well that I might believe.

Might be singing monsoon on hari koko.. see hows then.. Finally found MJ's blog. Her english is wonderful!! @@ I still haven't checked what school is she in.. And she doesn't want to tell me either.