Words said.

Everyone will be leaving soon.
How strong our friendship bond will be.
That will be known after everything is over with
and everyone in their new positioned placed.

We're growing up,
our 4 to 5 years friendship.
Will it last.
The pack is breaking up now.
To study,
to work.
Everyone has a different motive now.
it's not like in secondary school anymore.

We need to take as much pictures together as we can.
Yet you told me you don't know what to take when you're holding a camera in your hand.
I don't have that much energy to go out with you guys soon.
I wake too early and walk too much to be not tired.
I faced too many fucked up people to stay calm.
I missed the days that we had.
And there is no going back.
We grow. and push forward. thats the reality.

I'm sorry for being grumpy every now and then.
and to those friends who truly adored me.
I really thank you for doing so.
it was a kind of support i needed in my life.
even if sometimes,
sometimes... you guys were not there for me.
because you all were busy with your own stuff.
And when the case becomes a very serious matter,
and i had to cry so hard hugging my pillow so hard.
After such matters occur,
you guys stands up.

It was always that way,
after I cried and was nearly at a "learnt helplessness'' position,
you guys would only then stand up for me.

Now,
you're holding a camera,
i tell you to take pictures,
you say to me
" take what? take picture of the tarts? "

Do you seriously think I can go out that much?
I'm human,
please think.
I wake that much early and walk that much. JUST TO GET A FUCKING TRAIN.
then walk all the fucking way to school.
then attend class.
face shitty attitudes,
pretend, smile, try to be funny to be in a group, laugh at any crap they say,
then walk all the fucking way back to the station,
then wait for the fucking train that is always never on time.
then walk all the fucking way home.

I'm human.
I get tired,
i can't get sick.
I can't afford to.
Please..please just ..
Ahh.. nevermind.
it always felt like i can't breathe when I think about this over and over again,

I hope.
I never need to say this. ever.

" and this is where our friendship. ends. "

I hope. Never.

I drawn this long time ago.
Representing few of us.
People that i couldn't fit in,
ZY
KW
G

People that are in the picure:(from the left)
PS
KC
YH
me
CL
SY
HS

Long live our friendship. ._.

JW

Whom to trust when is seems there is none.

they say something in front of you.
But its different when their backs are facing you.
you see them smile at you.
But are they really smiling at you inside.

are you all stabbing me from the back?
do you all mean what you all say?
who can i trust.
I can't turn to anyone when I'm in trouble there.
Everyone has their own motive.
Using their motive as a motivation to smile and to lie to me.

Who to turn to?
whom to trust?

so tired.

JW

Every second hurts.

Just being there makes me really unhappy.
I have to watch everything i say.
Every single word.
Just one thing being said wrongly.
And people snaps at me.
I'm not scared.
I'm just sick of it.
I'm not that easy to be bullied.
I just want to maintain my pride.
Rather than shouting and defending myself.
Wasting such effort over useless things.
thats what i feel so tired and sick about.

I was there when you guys have any problems.
And not even one of you asked how am I.
when i was feeling so upset.

I hugged my pillow for comfort.
when there is none to comfort me.
I cried myself to sleep.
when there is not a shoulder to cry on.
My music player sings music to me.
While nobody else is singing for me.

Even if you guys didn't ask how am I.
I wanted to tell you guys.
Every time I was in college.
It felt like hell.
And i would think of you guys.

I pretend that you guys actually ask how am I.
I want to tell you guys.
I miss you all when I was there.
I felt like crying everytime i know that you guys won't be with me.

I know you guys won't comfort me.
And you guys never did.
And thats because.
we live too perfect as a group.
and there was not a single problem that will make me this unhappy.
and comforting is not needed.

i understand.
i will cope.
 and

Private message to SNOOPY.
o0o fuck off. stop provoking me.
i really will respond.
and you won't like it.
I'm not someone you would want to bully.
so. o0o fuck off.

JW

Sick of the world

Its so weird that I find the people outside of where i stay are so different from me.
or is it?
nah..
i come to think of it i..
I feel like something is wrong.
but i dont know what is it.
making me so unhappy.

i...
it just feels like i'm alone in everything.
i guess..
i hate being lonely.
haha the feeling really sucks.

i have so much things on my mind.
i cant even tell one person my problems just to feel better
everytime i try to tell someone.
i forget what i wanted to tell and just continue to feel really depressed about something i CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

and i hate to tell one about how i feel of certain things.
because i'm over sensitive and i know.
its hard for me to fit in almost anywhere.
i'm too sensitive.
i know.
but i cant really tell someone how i feel.
because.
i'm afraid if i do.
i might not even be able to make any friends at all.
Yea i know I'm difficult.
Thats why its best for me to keep everything to myself.
so that it doesn't bothers anyone else about it.

what others would thing of me.
if i comment to certain things in my own point of view.
I really don't know how to describe the situation but..
all i can say is that i can't tell much.
because if i do, others would not accept me.
in their group.
as a friend.

I..
i seriously don't know wtf am i talking about.
screw it.

i just feel unhappy.

JW

I don't want to be a disappointment

I totally screwed my english essay the other day,
And it was my midterm.
totally SCREWED.
I thought i was doing fine.
Writing and thinking.
biting on my finger nails while writing.
Thinking I will show my mum I'd do wonderful in this test.
So much for my stupid thoughts.

I was too scared to make a mistake.
Ending up making the worse mistake.
Wrong formatting.
Just the other day, my senior told me that all i have to do is get the format right.
Then it wont be a problem scoring.
Thanks to that blur case who made me freak out.
Telling me theres another format coming out.
Stupid me!
I shouldn't have listen or even talked to her.
sigh*

I kept feeling like crying after that.
Heart ache.
lol
i thought i did well.
I thought it was perfect.
well perfect my shit.

I should just chill out like i used to.
I'm really ...
Very scared.
when I do tests.
I think about the grades that is going to come out.
I think about the amount written on the receipt paid by my dad.
The numbers are kinda stuck in my head.

Ahh i'm getting more and more tense.
stupid.

Reimei no Arcana Fan Art

JW

The traits making you into an emo

I seriously tell people around me i'm not an emo person.
I'm more a happy-go-lucky person.
well i know thats a lie.
but it keeps people from worrying me.
especially my sister. and family. haha.
Well life isn't easy. that's what i know.
And I'm the type of person who is sensitive,
and thinks of negative consequences more than positive.

to be honest. I don't think life is easy.
And I'm working kinda hard(as I realized these days)
for homework(assignments)
But there are people that seem to not care much about them.
I tend to have hard time doing assignments when it is grouped ones.

Well KC is in really hard time now.
I can't really help him.
All i can do is hear him out every weekend when he gets his phone back.
In one of his short message to me,
he said that he sometimes wish he wasn't part of this world.
It really scared me.
I don't like that message at all.
After that message he sent to me,
i started to write longer messages to him without noticing it myself.
When i read back the message I sent to him.
I realized,
whoa.. its long. haha.

I told him.
Life is hard, whether we want to accept it or not.
Rough times are always waiting ahead.
Whether we want to avoid it or not,
Eventually, it will get to us.
Life is hard, Life is short.
I can't tell him to be happy for being alive.
Because. I don't really agree to that.
Humans fight in everything to live.
Not directly fighting with someone,
but working hard to get something we want.
Is the fighting I meant.
there's no free meal in this world.
Live, because we were born,
Live, because we exists.
Live, only for future.
Live, in a believe that it will be better.