Much have changed now, I've graduated from university, I've got my first job. And I think I've finally felt what it's like to love someone and lose it.
Yes, i would consider my 4 years relationship break up an ugly one. Although neither of us actually said anything to each other when we finally decided to part. I was feeling rather heartbroken when I finally accepted that he's given up.
It was the first time every night I would cry myself to sleep. And this continued for a week. It was painful. And that's how I knew what was Love. I never knew what it was and I never dared say I Love You. Even if I did I knew I just said it to be heard. Nothing genuine came out of that 3 words.
There was once I had some clothings I wanted to wear but it was inside my luggage that I brought back from the States with me. (Yes I did not full unpack. Most were winter clothings and it is definitely not needed in this hot scorching weather all year around of a country) I pop the bag open and the smell of the detergent reminded of us on our laundry days, how we'd clean the apartment together and take the laundry down and sort out the laundry- My tears poured out without me realizing and before I knew it I was crying hard kneeling beside my opened luggage.
After 2-3 weeks I finally got a grip and the feeling faded.
Now I have learnt to love another. He was there holding me when I was crumbling down. I was glad I met him.
Every time I read story books or watched movies about romance they would say cheesy things that I couldn't relate to. Now I feel very relatable with these cheesy conversation or thoughts. I love how he would smile at me how he stared at his computer screen how he'd kiss my cheek every so often or give me a big warm hug or how he'd hold my clammy hands tight. I even love how he smells- Okay this is getting creepy. What I'm trying to say is, I think I've changed a lot since my last heart break. I don't know if it has taught me to love or my current boyfriend is just perfect for me.
Know this, relationships aren't always perfect.
There are things that we are still learning from each other and ourselves. Well at least I'm learning a lot of things of myself from him. He made me realize that I was a very negative person. Which was okay, but the not okay part of it is me always so caught up in the negativity. I learnt to let it go and focus more on the positivity now, but that didn't come with no consequence - meltdowns. My meltdowns are very bad. I'm still learning to cope with them.
Right now I'm still trying to understand and accept the distant feeling i sometimes get when I'm with him. I know he is different, I'm trying to accept it the best that I can. He is a very quiet person, someone that gets lost in his own thoughts at times. Sometimes in order not to show how he's really feeling he would portray a slightly different character from his own.
And I have given the character names:
- The first one. Fei Yun. This character is quite childlike. He would give me the most simplest responses to what I'm telling him. Sometimes mimicking me as well. Fei Yun comes to surface when he's tired.
- The second one. KK. This character is very serious, doesn't smile much no matter what you tell him. He looks distant and doesn't really make eye contact as much as he normally does. Anything you tell him, he will logically deduct it. Everything that came out from his mouth is facts and more facts. KK comes to surface when he is stressed.
It's not a problem it just becomes quite annoying at times. Especially when I was stressed out and needed someone to listen to me and talk to. I know that I am a very needy person, constantly needing someone to baby me. I couldn't help being that way, I just needed someone to be there for me. Due to me having excellent proficiency in reading other's body language, and taking everything seriously, I needed to have a outlet for that. And I guess that's why I often feel very distant from him. It's like he can never be there for me. It feels sad when I've tried so hard to open up again to someone else.
Truth be told, I was very determined to not date anymore since my last break up. I had enough of long deep talks and cold wars with my significant other. Life was simpler without these, at least that's what I believed. But something he said to me and with some support from my dear friend, I've decided to try again.
And here we are.
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