I'm Back At It (Family)

Since I started my new relationship with my new significant other, he made me realize of my negativity. And how that is hurting myself and others around me. So I've learned how to tone that down. Focus on the positive.

It is very important how you look at life cause, you're the one alive, you decide what you see.

With that said, I have started my path on positivity, and that led me to realize the behavior of my family. Which was quite depressing honestly.

I started to realize,

• member 1 is easily triggered. Anything they see did not fit in their rules of their own brain, you gon' get it from them.
• member 2 was always grumpy, in a bad mood, would find reasons to just go at you. 
• member 3 always caught up their own thoughts and will spit nasty things at you going after your behavior judging you especially when they are in a shit mood. (trust me you don't wanna get caught up in that shit storm)
• member 4 which i think is the most sane one, although they would go on laughing over nothing. But at least there's no negativity there. They would smile for most of the time they spent with their family member.

When I first came home after graduating, I thought to myself did I not perform well enough, was I not good that member 1 and 2 would act this way. All my life I've been trying to please them, trying to have them be proud of me. It was painful to deal with them being this way.

Everytime I catch member 2 in a bad mood I would blame myself for doing something wrong. But actually, did I?

I've started to let loose now, too much stress and life burden stacked on my head. It is time that I stopped caring so much. Learn to be like member 3, be on the surface, care when it is extremely needed, sniff in disinterest when there's negative comments and feedback, in other words, be a little more selfish. 

I'm trying to do that now. I'm trying to shape my life better so that I'm not always that depressed squirt in the corner and moping with a thunder cloud on top of her head. 

And this he taught me. I'm learning, and trying to love myself a little better than I used to. 

It's prime time now that I live, for me. 

I'm Back At It (Work)

I've started in my first job and it's been a year now.
I started out a very motivated hard working staff.
Until one day my boss decided to exploit that.
Everything has been down hill for me since that happened.

I used to be excited getting up everyday and getting ready for work. Excited and motivated to get my task completed and be appreciated.

Now everything is just dark as if I saw the alternate reality of what was actually going on in the office.

"You are just a staff paid to do your work."
Constantly replayed in my brain. Honestly I do not need that reminder, but its been in my head every time I see a senior of mine, or. THAT BOSS. I just cringe, look away, if I was smiling and I saw him, my smile would fade out in like less than a millisecond.

I feel very unappreciated, its like if they know you can work, they push more on your head. So lay low like her.

I'm also trying to understand why would my colleagues pretend that we are a family but the truth is you're just their colleague. They couldn't care less if you got sick or hurt.

I was naive to let them in my heart, let them be my friend. And now look where's that gotten me.
I take things too seriously and I'm learning how not to, the hard way.

"Shrug it off."

Easier said than done, but I'm doing my best trust me.

I'm Back At It (Relationships)

It's been awhile since I last wrote anything on my blog.

Much have changed now, I've graduated from university, I've got my first job. And I think I've finally felt what it's like to love someone and lose it.

Yes, i would consider my 4 years relationship break up an ugly one. Although neither of us actually said anything to each other when we finally decided to part. I was feeling rather heartbroken when I finally accepted that he's given up.

It was the first time every night I would cry myself to sleep. And this continued for a week. It was painful. And that's how I knew what was Love. I never knew what it was and I never dared say I Love You. Even if I did I knew I just said it to be heard. Nothing genuine came out of that 3 words.
There was once I had some clothings I wanted to wear but it was inside my luggage that I brought back from the States with me. (Yes I did not full unpack. Most were winter clothings and it is definitely not needed in this hot scorching weather all year around of a country) I pop the bag open and the smell of the detergent reminded of us on our laundry days, how we'd clean the apartment together and take the laundry down and sort out the laundry- My tears poured out without me realizing and before I knew it I was crying hard kneeling beside my opened luggage.

After 2-3 weeks I finally got a grip and the feeling faded.

Now I have learnt to love another. He was there holding me when I was crumbling down. I was glad I met him.

Every time I read story books or watched movies about romance they would say cheesy things that I couldn't relate to. Now I feel very relatable with these cheesy conversation or thoughts. I love how he would smile at me how he stared at his computer screen how he'd kiss my cheek every so often or give me a big warm hug or how he'd hold my clammy hands tight. I even love how he smells- Okay this is getting creepy. What I'm trying to say is, I think I've changed a lot since my last heart break. I don't know if it has taught me to love or my current boyfriend is just perfect for me.

Know this, relationships aren't always perfect.

There are things that we are still learning from each other and ourselves. Well at least I'm learning a lot of things of myself from him. He made me realize that I was a very negative person. Which was okay, but the not okay part of it is me always so caught up in the negativity. I learnt to let it go and focus more on the positivity now, but that didn't come with no consequence - meltdowns. My meltdowns are very bad. I'm still learning to cope with them.

Right now I'm still trying to understand and accept the distant feeling i sometimes get when I'm with him. I know he is different, I'm trying to accept it the best that I can. He is a very quiet person, someone that gets lost in his own thoughts at times. Sometimes in order not to show how he's really feeling he would portray a slightly different character from his own.

And I have given the character names:

• The first one. Fei Yun. This character is quite childlike. He would give me the most simplest responses to what I'm telling him. Sometimes mimicking me as well. Fei Yun comes to surface when he's tired.
• The second one. KK. This character is very serious, doesn't smile much no matter what you tell him. He looks distant and doesn't really make eye contact as much as he normally does. Anything you tell him, he will logically deduct it. Everything that came out from his mouth is facts and more facts. KK comes to surface when he is stressed.

It's not a problem it just becomes quite annoying at times. Especially when I was stressed out and needed someone to listen to me and talk to. I know that I am a very needy person, constantly needing someone to baby me. I couldn't help being that way, I just needed someone to be there for me. Due to me having excellent proficiency in reading other's body language, and taking everything seriously, I needed to have a outlet for that. And I guess that's why I often feel very distant from him. It's like he can never be there for me. It feels sad when I've tried so hard to open up again to someone else.

Truth be told, I was very determined to not date anymore since my last break up. I had enough of long deep talks and cold wars with my significant other. Life was simpler without these, at least that's what I believed. But something he said to me and with some support from my dear friend, I've decided to try again. 

And here we are.