"Fear is an emotion and It is also a choice"

Just Live.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Dream

"My heart was thumping crazily. No, not because of someone. It's not because of feelings of passion and love. It was the feeling of being chased. To kill. To murder. To end your life. I kept silent as I watch someone whom I can't recognize or remember while he packs. Quietly I stare around me. We are in the middle of some kind of desert. Where our small hut is just beside a really big road. Hot wind blows pass us. Then all of a sudden he rushes me and a younger boy into the car. I took the front seat and the boy took the seat at the back. We are in an inova. My dad car is a Toyota Inova.

Then I saw it. As the car roars to life I look to the back mirror of our car. A man riding a horse closing up in us. The man driving hits the accelerator real hard and we got on the road collecting speed as we proceed. I automatically clip my seat belt into place and held tight on my bag. My hands were sweating. Our speed is going too fast. My eyes budge larger and look for the person chasing us. Logically he can't chase us because he's riding a horse. It's just a horse. But there he is just beside us on the driver's side.

That's when our windows slide down and he raises his bow at the driver. My heart beats faster, my breathing increased, my pulse is jumping all around my body like crazy. The driver tries to pull up the windows as he drive. Our speed was crazy and as he tried to search for the window button and his other hand on the steering wasn't  stable. We shook a little from left to right. As the windows are closing I relaxed a bit. That's when the most ridiculous thing happened. The man on the horse raises his arm and the window goes down again. What was that? Some sort of magic?? The driver struggle to keep the car stable while flinging the window switch.

I feel it. I feel it was time. I look away from the man on the horse the driver and the boy. I looked away and shut my eyes and held tight on the seat belt. I let out a slow breath. There was silence, there was the sound of the wind and the speed of the car. Then the sound of an arrow being shot and hitting a target. I shook as I heard the arrow hitting something. I knew it hit the driver. I knew it hit on the neck. A second arrow was shot. then the whole car flips."

I shot my eyelids up. It was freezing and i checked the time, it was 5.09am. My heart beat was beating and jumping really fast. I turn and try to rub the fuzzy dream out of my head. I wipe away the feelings. Then I slowly melt away into my bed again falling asleep.

"I was having a sleepover at CL's place. We were spreading out a mattress on the wooden floor. We seem to be in a wooden cottage. There was a computer behind me sitting on top of a woodden desk. Eveything in the room was dull, it was all.. wood. I could hear CL talking but couldn't make out the words. And there was someone else with us in the room spreading the bed too. but I couldn't make out who was that.They were talking about a spirit who kills. I laugh away their talk and inside I was afraid.   It was I could feel the presence of the spirit and I know it is real.

They shut the lights, and place a very weird piece of paper on their forehead with weird writings on it. I didn't want to put that on my forehead . I thought it won't be anything, it's just a story about the spirit, I'll be okay. After a few minutes, i could hear something rushing towards our room from the outside. I squeeze my eyes shut, the noise seem to not bother CL and her other friend. The door flung open and something rushes in and then silence. I slowly peep through my eyelids, and there it is right infront of my face some thing like a shadow, black with red blood shot eyes."

After that my dad came to bug me to study when I was eating my breakfast. I know he's bugging me for my own good. But it really gets on my nerves because when I had it all plan out I don't like someone else telling me what to do. It;s my personal issue, i know.























JW

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Stuck in anxiety

I don't know why am i getting so restless.
I don't know why am I feeling so uncomfortable with nearly everything.
Usually i would go watch some movies.
Now i just end up downloading the movies and didn't even open them to watch.
I just leave it to download and go do some doodling drawings.

Everything i do doesn't feel right.
I don't know what's wrong.
...






















JW



No i'm not the girls with flowers
The scent of honey.
and the personality of an angel.

I'm only being me.
I will change when conditions push me to.
I will remain unchanged when I feel its right.

Yes I am not alike as I should be.
Call me weird but I'm just.. perhaps..
Just different.
Comment as you please.
Taunt as you like.
Even it hurts me but I don't show.

Leave me.
Sitting with everyone.
But feeling alone.
What does this feeling define?

It seems like silence is the best friend i could have.
When i'm alone.
When i'm with everyone.

I feel terribly emo..
Why.
Depressing.
Stressful.


Tired.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Excited

I checked my program at school today.
Apparently i have many problems. But lucky they are all minor ones.
And i forget to put in a function that is needed.
Well with my friend's help. I finally got it done.
He tried to teach me and let me do the function myself at first.
But i haven't got enough sleep and just too tired to think.
I end up starring at the screen for really long time and my head was so painful.
In the end he said he felt sorry for me.
Cuz i can't even get the simple things done.
Well.. I can't help it. :)

Despite what he said.
Thanks to him i can get the shit program done.
Still with minor problems.
I think its with the loop issue.

Oh well.. I hope i do it in the right order tomorrow for teacher.
So that i don't show her the lackings in my program.
Gastric now. And i needa go sleep fast.
I need rest. but i found a different version of Warm Bodies.
(Or so I thought it's different.)
Its says Library edition.
And it's kinda big file.
I wanna see if it's similar or more details.
Cuz the ebook i downloaded.
Seems like it's jumping around alot.
And the ending seems to be hanging.

Anyway.. signing off..











Dang program.

JW

Sunday, November 25, 2012

=.=

finally done.. fked program.
i'll check if theres a problem tmr at school.
so exhausted.
and i've finish reading Warm Bodies.
The ending was quite disappointing.
I hope they do it better in the movies.






















[0016] signing off.

JW

Saturday, November 24, 2012

oh java u are killin me


public static void methodAdd (Book [] booksA) {
    boolean c = false; int index=0;
    int bISBN=0;
    double price=0;
    String title=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input book name:");
    for (int i=0; i        if (title.equals(booksA[i].getTitle())){
        c = true;
        index=i;
                break;
    }}
    if(c)
    {
        JOptionPane.showMessageDialog(null,"Book is already recorded."
                + "\n"+booksA[index].toString());
        return;
    }
    String author=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input author for "+
            "["+title+"]"+":");
    String publisher=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input publisher for "
            +"["+title+"]"+":");
    String category=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Input category for "+
            "["+title+"]"+":");
    do{
    if(bISBN<0 p="p">        bISBN=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Book "
                   + "ISBN is invalid."
                    + "\n Enter again."));  }

        else {
            bISBN=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter "
            + "Book ISBN for "+"["+title+"]"+":\n(*Please note that it is a "
            + "code of 4 numbers only.)"));  }
        }while(bISBN<0 p="p"> 
    do{
    if(price<0 p="p">     price=Double.parseDouble(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("(Price "
             + "must be more than 0)\nEnter the price again for "
             +"["+title+"]"+""));  }
    else{
    price=Double.parseDouble(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter"
            + " the price for "+"["+title+"]"+":"));
    }}while(price<0 p="p">    booksA[Book.BookCount]=new Book(title,publisher,author,category,
            bISBN,price);
    JOptionPane.showMessageDialog (null,"Book is successfully recorded.");
    }

public static void methodSearch (Book [] booksA) {
    String key;
    int isbn;
    int index = 0;
    boolean c = false;
    int selection,selection2;
    while(true){
    selection=Integer.parseInt(JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Select search mode."
            + "\n1.Search through Book's Category."
            + "\n2.Search through Book's ISBN."
            + "\n3.Search through Book Title."
            + "\n4.Search through Book's Author."
            + "\n5.Exit"));
    switch(selection) {
    case 1 :
         key=JOptionPane.showInputDialog("Enter category of book for search."
            + "\n(*Note only added books can be found.");
    for(int i =0; i        if(key.equals(booksA[i].getCategory())){

BLAH BLAH BLAH.
=-=
when i write it. it's fun.
ONLY WHEN I DON'T HIT PROBLEMS.
When i get the program to work.
IT'S EVEN MORE FUN.

its not done yet..
And so the teacher said it will be easy.
What a big fat lie.
LIAR!
I need to present this on tuesday..
So worried.

So hungry right now.
Its 11.58pm.
i need food. I could feel my stomach turning white.
I need food.




























JW

Friday, November 23, 2012

Evolving backwards it seems

I stare at my laptop screen. Doing nothing. Just starring.
Thinking about tomorrow's assignment that I'm suppose to start doing.
The fear slowly creeps in.
Doubt in form of questions formed.
"What if i can't write the program."
"What if there's nothing i can present"
"What if he doesn't help me."
"You better start doing now or u'll regret."

Still frozed. Starring at my laptop screen.
Unsure of what to do. To watch movie to entertain myself.
Or to start doing the assignment.
I couldn't make a decision.
I hate these moments. It makes me really uneasy.

I found a book i really liked. After watching the trailer of a movie.
coming out in 2013. Well i really liked the main actor of that movie.
And the story is really interesting.
I decided to go find the story book, buy it and read.
Instead. Malaysia's book store just lets me down.
I end up wasting my time at the MPH staring at a bunch of young adult books.
Unable to get what i wanted.
When i reached home. My dad told me i could try to search online reading it there.
I found it
Even more easier to go buy the book.
I can now read it in my phone too. I wanted to print out.
But then it will take alot of time standing infront of the printer.
And use up lots of ink and paper.

I realized the feelings of love for someone else.
The feelings of relating.
The fact I'm being really sensitive.
It's just a burden. Maybe i should learn to dump such feelings.
I've been reading the Book. And it seems i would like to change with him.
The feelings. He can't feel. He can for a moment. And then he will forget.
After all. he's a zombie.
The book's really interesting. the way the author describes situations.
And the feelings felt by the main character.
It's really realistic. Kinda messy though. Cuz everytime he eats someone's brain. He will get memories.
Especially when he eats that particular guy's brain.
It's really different from Darren Shan's way of writing.

Though either authors are nice.
But it's fresh to read from a different author.

There's no one to talk to now.
Some times it feels cool.
Other times it just feels empty.
Though. I've got accustomed to it.
So i guess I'm okay.
Anyway.. I think its time for me to sign off and sleep.
Or maybe continue to read the book on my bed.
Who knows.
My brain always struggles with decisions like that.
And end up with mostly bad decisions.
Either way. I will cope.

Goodnight.
























JW

Sunday, November 18, 2012

18.11.12

My Sunday is coming to an end. Sadly..
School is gonna start. And i feel the pressure.
The pressure given by my parents. 
I can't sit still. I can't stand still.
To sit or to stand. I couldnt decide.

I was stuck with my decision.
I made the decision to not let us continue.
Yet he couldn't let go of me.
I don't know what to do.
Everytime I say no to him.
He will secretly cry and i will sure catch his tears falling off his face.
I don't know what else to do anymore.
I feel like the bad guy torturing him.
But.. stubbornness is a gift i have. I guess i will lean on that for strength to continue.

My teacher is going to give out our test 2 results for java tomorrow.
I'm very worried..I can't fail...very worried..
My parents say i don't look stress at all.
Unlike my sister. 
Well... they always forget an important thing..
an important fact..
I'm not my sister.
I don't show anything on my face.
I prefer to keep it. and worry alone.


Nice song that i recently fell in love with.
...

JW 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

15.11.12

i was just really frustrated that my dad chased my friend out of my house so i could study. The next morning i wouldn't wanna wake up because there was a really complicated programming shit that i need to do for assignment.

And now i'm hungry and thought that my mum would pack lunch for me. uh oh.
My bro gave the wrong signal and she was not packing lunch for me.
Now i was searching for some sausages to cook with my french toast and found out there are no more sausages in the freezer. ==

i'm really hungry.. wtf..
and i found out that my bro is trying not to talk to me. because i gave him one of my dont annoy me looks last night.
i missed breakfast. because of him.
mum told him to ask me to eat a cake that was near my cup.
then i missed lunch cuz of a misunderstanding.
fk bro. o0 o0o 0o 0o 0o0o

JW

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

8/11/2012

Here and back again. My world is all left with Work. Misery. and Loneliness.