Responsibilities

I'm not a puppet.
Do I look like someone u can push around huh?
Just because I'm nice.
Doesn't mean you can ask me to do things for you.
And what?
You asked if which part of me looks like a girl?
That's fucking insulting. Do you know that?
Don't be so sensitive?
Fuck you. Try feeling it when someone calls you fatso all the time.
Then let me tell you.
Even if I'm NOT a girl.
I'm 100 times more good looking than you are you fat pulp!

Why are you bullying me!
If I have the chance I'd stab your guts out and feed it back into you fucking filthy MOUTH!
Even if you don't treat me like a girl.
Even if you ask me to grab a chair for you.
Even if you ask me to help you turn off the fan for you.
Even if you ask me to help you pass up a fucking paper to the teacher when you're sitting near to the teacher.
Even.. even.. even..
I DON'T MIND ANYTHING.
DON'T CROSS THE LINE!

Damn you rich kids.
If you're rich act like one with a rich mind.
Don't go pressing your thumbsucking retard phones.
And then tell me bullshit.
Saying that all the work,
JIA WEN WILL DO IT>
WE CAN DEPEND ON HER>

What the fuuckkk IS YOUR PROBLEM HUH?

Go back to kindergarden.
Theres where you all should be!
there is where you guys belong.
You can cry fart crap whenever you want.
And teachers will come telling you everything is alright.

DAMN ALL OF YOU SHIT FATSO PULP FUCKING RETARDS.

I really don't know how to respond to you guys.
Lets play a mask game.
Lets see if my mask breaks faster than yours.
Cuz when that happens.
You'll see your face crack.
And see you at the hospital.
Feeding on your own guts. and chewing down ur own lungs.

Go ahead struggle to breathe like when I'm with you guys.

I'm not asking for compassion.
I don't need that fucking thing from you guys.
Just a bit of responsibility won't kill you fuckers.

And what?
You said you were going to ask me into your group?
don't fuck with me.
seriously.
You'd think I'd believe that shit?
Yeah go get an oscar reward for your fucked up acting.
If you wanna tease me.
Get a better reason.
GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU FUCKING FATSO PULP.
Screw you shit cakes
screw you bitches.

Yeah.. I'll fucking bite your guts out.

JW

Confidence

I realize i lost my confidence to play the piano while singing.
Haha..
I was too used to it,
my sister used to play the piano and I go jumping around singing.
Now that she's not at home,
I don't even dare to do so,
My bro said he wished he could sing like i could.
I was quite happy he said that actually.
Haha.. Means he thinks I can sing well too.
And then he suddenly tells me where many people cheered for me when I was performing.
And that reminds me too,
people were shouting asking for my number.
I was happy.
I missed how that felt like.
The crowd screaming.
My legs feels numb.
They go like.
"handphone number! Give us your handphone number!"

hahaha.. I really miss how that feels.

Whatever you do,
you gotta have confidence,
even when you speak to someone,
confidence,
its annoying when you talk to soft ,
or speak half of what you were saying then stop.

Anyway, i was freaking happy when WC(new friend)
taught me how to use .. a function.
on websites.
XD freaking AWESOME!
At first I didn't know why i was so ... happy?
It felt like a burst of energy just busting through my brain,
its like.. the first time I succeed to xxxx an account in a game. :D
That type of feeling.
haha.
Then I realize, i was so happy because,
I think I've found someone who is like me.
:D only that i didn't thought of fiddling with that function.
But i've did something else like what he taught me before.
It's just so awesome to see someone i know teach me something like that.
Wakakakakakakk~

Going to have a computer test tomorrow,
i hope it goes well.
not that i did a LOT of studying,
i just read through the notes.
just by openning the textbook,
i'm already half way puking white bubbles.
seriously boring.
I'm afraid too,
what i wanted to study isn't what I see in the text book.
Should I think to change major?
But being a programmer is so.. COOL.
well that's from my point of view.


Imagine,
when someone asks you what do you do for a living,
I'd just say,
I'm a programmer.
XD waahhh~ shuang!
haha. (>>>childish<<<)

JW

Driving

First time driving a manual car.
Lol the accelerator pedal was damn.. lose.
I didn't know so i press it so hard,
it scared the person teaching me to drive. wahahah..
I wasn't be able to enter my blog website just now,
it says theres a malware,
that will automatically install stuff into my computer without me knowing.
At first i was annoyed,
its my blog! why the hell is there something like that in here!

Whoever who did this,
stop it,
seriously. don't stalk my stuff in my computer,
i don't work for any agencies, or secret societies,
theres nothing to see in my personal metal box.

so fawk off.

anyway, just finished an art,
with the inspiration by my sister, telling me about Lolita Ghothic,
and to fit the theme of my new quote i wrote.

JW

Dreams

I always imagine myself rocking out in a band.
Being the leading vocals just head banging off as I please.
I always thought i could be a rock star or some sort.
Haha.. (kid.. childish huh?)
Well I think this dream is a .. true dead end. haha..

But i still silently wishing it would come true,
doesn't matter if I don't be a star,
but at least i could perform and find a band. (maybe the other way round)

If I don't find any here,
I do hope if i could find it when I'm in the states.
I dream, i wish, i hope.

JW

I'm sick sick sick sick sick... So sicK siCK sICK SICK!

I cried myself to sleep last night.
Ahh i feel so much better,
I couldn't cry at all seeing all these shit.
Then last night when i was listening to my Hi-5 player.
I was listening to 害怕by JJ.
And started singing along.
Then i started crying. =-=
Hmm..

I wonder living in my own box hurts anyone.
lol.
my dad keep telling me i can't live alone in this world.
I KNOW! DUH?? Who doesn't know that.
He keeps repeating to me.

They always say.
BE YOURSELF.
Whatever you do.
BE YOURSELF! Nothings stopping you.

Well thats a big fat LIE.
A LIE IT IS!

What I've learn is,
If you're being yourself too much.
Not everyone likes you.
Not everyone tries to know you.
Thats a stupid stupid LIE.

Anyway... I choose to live in my own cement box.

Last 2 days I've got a new heng dai.
He's really nice to me. lol.
Reminds me of Tzun. a lot.
ahh.. I hope this doesn't suddenly turn 180 degrees like T did.
I could feel it asking me,
"how's ur new guardian angel I've sent you?"
Seriously.. I've felt this before last time. haha.

Don't worry I think I can feel it.

yes.. I'm as creepy as ever..
muuuaaahahahhahahaha~

I think i'm falling in love with Gerard Way's voice.
Doesn't matter if he talks, or sing,
I just need to hear his voice everytime i come back from school.
Creepy? XD
Well I think this will wear off soon.
Just like when I was really into David Cook.
And Tokio Hotel.
And Jang Keun Suk.
Then No Min Woo.

They're... like.. fiction characters to me.
It took me a long time to realize it's impossible for me to meet them.
So now i realize they're just fiction characters.
Sigh*

I've been searching many recent stuff of MCR.
Just to know about them more. LOL.
I'm seriously SICK. in my own way.

Isn't he hot? He puts all his energy into his performances,

Thats why I like him a lot. 

(*drools*)

I just couldn't mix with the girl gang.
Well like what happened in secondary school.
Haha.. it's not supprising to me.
But to realize is what makes me feel painful.

lol seriously. WHY.
I'm a girl too. ==
Its like they reject me from their gang.
I'm not invisible you know..
I'm vulnerable.

To be filled with lies and people who wear masks,
Can you define whats the truth and what will last?
To see sincerity in your life,
Can you see it's just a lie?
To be left out till you can barely believe that you're actually alive.
Can't they see you're barely breathing and at least you tried?
Whether if they could see why,
The sincerity that you decide,
The knives that you believed,
They cut you and made you feel like you died,
Can you treat the wounds that have been forged?
When you're feeling more wretched,
Reach out to the sky like it can be reached,
Deceive those who can be perceived.
And finally live like you're alive.

Lived on as yourself when you feel like dying,
Scream out when you feel like crying,
And be.. be the last one standing.

-JW

The world of outside my space..

ever since i entered college,
i realized it, but i kept denying it.
Telling myself I'm the problem.
For not being friendly enough and other stuff.
Blaming it all on myself.
But now I started to realize, was it really me?
Or is it those who surrounds me?
Am i that different from all of you?
AM I?

Being friendly enough you guys climb all over my head.
Being nice and you fucktards scramble all over me?

There are few types of people I realize that exists in this small space of cement box,
1st Mr/Ms I Fucking Know It All You Shut Up- people
2nd Mr/Ms I'm So Damn Cute Aren't I? - people
3rd Mr/Ms I'll Do It All If You Let Me Join You- people
4th The accepted nerds and geeks
5th The rejected

I'm placing myself in the 5th group.
Well only in that fucking class yes. I'm the 5th type.

In the other fucking class,
I'm still placing myself in the 5th type.
But a bit different.
Because I'm damn friendly,
I've become the 4th type.
Yes. The Accepted Nerds and Geeks.

When work comes,
they go like : oh you know so much. You do it <3 anyway you are so FREE all the time

F*ck you. Do I look like i'm so f*king free all the time?
DO I? F*CKTARDS!??

Ahem.. (cooling down)...
What I meant is,
Because I've become the accepted nerds and geeks,
I've become the one that they can push their work to.
Get it?
Who gets bullied all the time?
Nerds.
Who gets pushed around all the time?
Geeks.

Even if I'm a geek. ( I admit yea. so what? f*ck you. )
I'm the coolest geek you'll ever find.

Yea yea yea~ You don't really need to scold someone by using bad words to express anger, its not nice.
Well I don't give a f*cking d*mn care about it anymore.
F*ck being polite.

Bitchtards and Dogtards of the day~
(ladies and gentlemens of the fucking fucktard day~)
Next time when you don't want me in your f*cking group can you at least say something?
Don't pretend that you can't see me bitch.
I'm a f*cking human standing right in front of you .
At least I can find another group to join in.
Get it? F*CKTARDS.

And whaaa??
Pushing everything to me? TO FUCKING LISTEN TO A FUCKING LECTURE WHILE YOU GUYS PRESS YOUR FUCKING PHONES IN CLASS???
WHAT???

THEN FUCKING ASK ME WHAT TO DO?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW SO MUCH YOU DO IT ALL?
IT'S BECAUSE YOU FUCKER RETARDS ARE NOT LISTENING.
AND YOU SAY THOSE FUCK WORDS TO ME?
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT HOLE BITCH RETARDED FUCK WORDS ARE YOU SAYING?
WHAT? FUCK YOU! o0o

I lost my appetite of eating because of you fucktards.
Am I the problem?
Am I not FRIENDLY ENOUGH?
AM I NOT BEHAVING ENOUGH?
BITCH! TELL ME WHATS MY PROBLEM TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG???

IS IT THAT HARD FOR ME TO JOIN A PACK LIKE EVERYONE CAN
WHAT THE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IS HAPPENING!

I'M NOT OKAY! ARE YOU LISTENING?
EVERYTHING IS SO WRONG.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAH FUCK IT I'M THE PROBLEM?
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHo0oHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAo0oHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHo0oHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH

why do I rush home every time class finishes you ask?
BECAUSE I'M THE REJECTED.
F*CK YOU.

I miss my friends. ghahaahahhahahahhhhgaaahahhahahahhahahahahah
I miss them.. hahahhahaa...ha...haha...ha.....
I hate the materialistic world I'm seeing now.
I hate it. And I'm getting really tired seeing all this shit.

































I F*CKING HATE ALL OF YOU!




JW

Dream again?

I had this horrible dream where i see a coffin again.
Everytime I had this dream,
either the next day or the next few weeks,
someone will pass away.
I was horrified when i woke up.
It was exactly like before my grandmother died,
the dream.
Its only the setting and person different.
I used to have these dreams when I was younger.
It stopped since I ended my primary school.
It seems I was wrong,
it didn't stop it was just no one was going to die.(*puuhh..)

Its back now.
and..
I was relieved. No one.. is dead.
but the next day after having this dream,
My 4th aunt fell from her motor,
her leg is hurt, and she can't walk for now.

Damn bitter.

JW

In this dream,
i was visiting a school mate who just passed away.
It was a car accident it seems.
But the weird thing is, everyone. was smiling in that dream.
at the weird funeral.
It seems that another friend of mine caused her death.

Then when I saw the accident flew past,
i was dragged to her funeral by another friend in the next scene.
I didn't want to see the dead body in the coffin.
But my friend insisted,
she keeps pulling me up to the small stage where the coffin is placed.
When I was finally up there,
I tried to escape and ran away.
But then the atmosphere was so different,
the people around her( schoolmates, classmates that I knew, people that I knew except for my family)
frowned.
The "Father" behind the coffin stood a bit higher than the stage.
Even he frown, it seems he has to let me 'greet' the dead.
As a respect that I have come to her funeral?
I think.
I stopped running immediately as soon as I realize the angry atmosphere.

I stood still and straight,
feeling uncomfortable.
Then the 'father' closes his eyes and did his prayer thingy.
And the people around me closes their eyes too.
I didn't close mine.
I stare around myself, thinking when can I go.
Then I realized that the person in the coffin reaches out for me,
looking really warm,
unlike a dead body,
more like some... angel?
She's asking me to hold her hand I think?
I don't really remember.

I responded and gave my hand to her.
then she smiles and closes her eyes again,
and laid back down in her coffin,
looking lifeless. again.
The rest of what happened,
i don't remember at all.

Art and disappointment

It all started when i was small.
I was amazed my sister could play the piano really well.
She got my parents attention well too.
So I decided to learn.
That's where I started to regret.
It wasn't as easy as it looks.
You gotta have that talent and that heart to learn.
I was lazy,
and the more my teacher pushed me to train.
The more I became sick of it.

Then later I realize I love japanese comics(manga)
I started drawing them.
Well it was like crap now that I look back at it.(haha)
But I continued drawing.
I didn't think of going to any art class,
because I was learning piano already.
My mum wouldn't let me learn another art.
It would use up my studying time.
So I trained hard,
drawing everyday just to continue stories I have drawn.
this are some old comics i found.

This is when I first started drawing comic,
after watching the animation Bleach

I love this anime a alot.
I'm still watching it :D

I don't remember myself naming this comic of mine. haha.
This comic is nearly based on the story Bleach.

As you can see, it seems box-looked.
i realize there are 0% of body shape.
the old comics and cartoons I drew looks like.. plain flat?
even the face doesn't have a shape!
(*chuckle*)

then later I drew this.

A bit better? no?
Haha.
Well all the stories I've drawn, I don't name them,
thats why I don't remember what the comic name is.
but the one on the top has a name.
Its called Century.
A girl who is nearly a century away from her original time.(...)
and the story goes on.

Later I drew this.

It all started out when I drew a model of a random character.
Then I started plotting out the story.

Any improvement?
(hahaah)

Then these are the latest drawings of my comics.

Much better than the first comics I drew?
Not so boxie anymore. (hahaha)

Latest Sketchings.

(*friendly tip* click on the image to see them bigger in size)

As you can see,
all of my drawings have no colour at all.
I suck at colouring,
If i had just stopped piano earlier,
and asked mum to register me to a art class,
I might have save a lot of energy drawing and drawing and drawing.
Now I envy people who does digital art.
I have no such knowledge as toning, shading, colour mixing.
Now i face problems drawing a background for my cartoons,
I have problems with colouring. Can you imagine??
I can't even colour.
while kids younger than me can colour well.

If I had just stopped piano earlier,
If I had just realize I love art.
If...
(*sigh)

I managed to get a tablet now.
I adore it a lot,
eventhough its the cheapest tablet you can find.
The quality isn't good,
but it was a start for me.
People my age can paint like a pro,
while I'm still at the newbie spot.

Digital artist i adore:
http://yaoilollipop7.deviantart.com/
http://flafly.deviantart.com/
http://rebornartist.deviantart.com/

D: i wish I could be like them...

Well, I'm still trying to improve. haha..
My latest digital piece.
I'm still not satisfied with it. ...

Its a fan art for AirGear,
the perspective of this comic is BRILLIANT.
I love how he draw the bird's eye view effect.
It was wonderful.
I couldn't draw like him.
Well I will continue to try though.
(*fighting)

Another digital piece I did recently.
It's inspired by TouHou.
I was trying to draw a background for it.
But I could think of anything,
each stroke to it seems to make it more messy,
so in the end I just drew the tiled ground.

Ahh... I want to improve..

JW

Ill

I knew something was wrong with me.
I just didn't want to know it further.
I have habits..
and today i finally dared to accept I know about it.
And looked up in the internet.
It is called.. Dermatillomania.
Others said that. mostly bad memories or childhood causes this.
For me. I don't know what caused this.
and OCD and depression might also cause Dermatilomania.

Dermatillomania..

I'm ill..
How can I fix this. ...

JW