Say Lazy

I MISS SECONDARY SCHOOL.

I was walking back from the train station today.

And it was the time where my secondary school morning class students finishes school.

I saw them walking pass me.

And I thought,

they are so free now.

not much to worry about.

Everything is ready and set for them.

You won't have problem finding your class,

and you meet same students everyday.

Unlike me now,

its different groups of people to mix with.

Seriously I don't like it.

Someone once call me anti-social.

So I'm very sensitive with that word.

That reminds me of something a girl said during english class.

I forget what was it about,

but she said anti-social.

And the other girls start laughing in my group.

Though I forced a smile.

I don't think it was funny.

Cuz I'm kinda going through it.

And it doesn't feel as if it was funny.

In secondary school.

I can skip class whenever I want,

ignore homework given.

Copy last minute if it was important.

Well not anymore,

I keep remembering about the price paid to study in college.

I can't even be lazy anymore.

Not even a bit.

If I wanted to play a game now,

I would get angry, my temper strikes,

because something is telling me to go revise what I've learned.

It was really really really annoying.

I saw free...will in the students that walked passed me today.

ahh... How i wish I could go back.

But that way I would never age ==

Life is so. complicated.

Anyway, my allergies are back again.

I was free from my stupid medication for 2 weeks,

as now the school pressure peers in,

I start getting them again.

Well I think that was what caused them to come back.

I've been sleeping early these days.

So lack of sleeping wasn't the cause of my allergies back.

yyyyyahhhhhhh...

JW

Quote

I don't mind sleeping with rubber dusts,
as long as my art is beautiful. -JW

CNY - o3o

Hmm.. lets see where should i start from.
Well firstly it's good to get away from my
college social pressure.
And the next to come is.. hmm...
I realize me and my cousin sisters have same points of view towards types of people we don't like.

(oh yea~)

My grandfather was in the hospital,
so during the first day of CNY,
I spent a few hours at the hospital with my grandfather.
(it smells funny there, and i really don't feel good, still wondering why)
There is another lady with many rubber tubes jabbed all over he body in another room.
I got a glimpse of her when the window rolled open.
I felt like i couldn't breathe..
(uff uff...)
Though my grandfather seems fine,
we went to see him the next day too,
he seems to be getting better,
although i still hear him talking with heavy breathing.
I felt the same thing where i can't breathe.

Later my dad brought us to see my dad's grandma.
Her age is just so cool.
She's 102 years old.
just by hearing it it just felt like she is a powerful gamer with 102 level.
(wakakaka)
She seems really healthy,
still quite active too.
she can walk, talk normally.
Its so COOL!
But he eye sights are starting to get blurry she told my dad.

We also went to the temple,
and i prayed for the same thing i do every year. ^^
Anyway, this year..
I wore a pink dress on the first day of cny.
My mum bought it,
and i can't say i don't want to wear it.
She might get upset.
I must have looked really weird.
Anyway, my little cousin sisters says it was nice.

Then comes my little cousin brother,
who is really annoying.
No.
I think I'm the problem.
I get bullied by KIDS!
Its like they yank my hair whenever they want,
pinch me, hit me, push my head, say I'm stupid.
Argghhhh!!
Just because I'm a bit nice,
they crawl all over my head,
well no more Nice Me the next time i go back.
You'll meet the fierce JW again.
I assure you!

Bullied by kids!
Can you believe it?
Arhhhgg....

My cousin brothers at pahang,
they both dyed their hair,
one was once black and then golden mohawk now red Mohawk.
another one, Once was black now blond brown.
I wonder, do they know how money is earned?
Ahh.. Anyway, they get more and more busy to even spend time with me.
I hate to admit it, but I think I feel really sad because they are like my sister,
they put friends ahead of them.
I wonder how many people does that.

Anyway, I got my laptop,
It's nice to have one for myself,
but I still love my desktop,
Like my brother said,
I have developed feelings for that desktop.
Funny. Unbelievable. But true.

Lonely.. My friends are all so busy,
none of them came to find me except Xiao Hei.
Sigh..
I guess my best friend is still my electronic devices.
Eventhough they will betray me too.
But they never lie. Haha. And they are always with me.
Yea I really admit it now.
I'm such a nerd and geeky.
Ahh I'm a home-type person.
Spending in too noisy and far away from home,
I would really start to get a headache and my temper will rise if i still don't go home.
Ahh... weird. person.

(miao miao... IMME)

By the way, I've really personalize this computer to MY STYLE.
Muhahahhahahha,
when I boot up the computer,
it will have gun sounds,
Or whenever there is a usb port connected it will produce gun cocking sounds.
wahahhahahahah~ oh yea~

A sketch of me and my friends,
The middle one is me. :D
I haven't put it up at FB,
I'm afraid its still not good enough.
This is my first time trying to draw bird eyes view.

Fav bands (currently):
 30 Seconds To mars
 Panic! At the disco
 My chemical romance
 Breaking Benjamin

JW

Just a word

A word to you.
You are already in a mental condition.
Are you looking down at our family?
Let me tell you,
you don't have anything that can be measured with us.
Save it.
We don't need to know.
And your obsession with your own children,
is going to cost them a lot.
Mark my words

Just look so filled in the outside,
but it's only a mask,
a shell,
to hide what's inside.

I'm not trying to make you angry,
I'm just letting you know,
stay away from my family,
leave them alone,
you mentally retard woman.
Because we owe you nothing,
nor you would have the rights to measure our level of content.
Keep your hateful remarks to your own sinful heart.

On the way to KTM today,
I saw couples around,
I felt... envy.
haha.
Thinking back about my first BF(which pretty sucks).
He really did spoil my first relationship in couples,
now I just fear that it will happen again.
And feeling fortunate, there wasn't anyone I'm really attached to.
But in another way of thinking,
this is really lonely.

"Guess i would be lonely too."

There was this boy i was really interested in now in college,
i saw him the first day,
I kinda got this feeling of liking him,
but then i get to see slight behaviour of him.
Then I thought it's just a sudden fresh feeling for me thats all,
its not that I really like him.
Anyway,
I can see that he likes talking to another girl too.
>>>Emo kid<<< here has nothing to compete.
I do act like a little kid,
I guess I won't be having a BF for a long time.
But..

"You can use the word Never for many things,
yet it can be replaced by words which makes things possible,
the words would be Not Yet."

Its not my time yet,
So i gotta hold on to my solitude for a little more.

He smiled at me today while talking to me,
I like his smile a lot.
Sweet,
but I know it's not going to be mine.
(I can see he's interested in another girl.)
He doesn't really talk to me if it's nothing important,
we don't really have anything to say too.

Haha~
It's fine.
*Thumbs up*
Yo~ I'm *fighting*!

Today the stupid train station switched lanes.
It changed a bit,
I was nearly lost.
I came out from a different lane,
And I got confused.
But then I realize it's just the train that matters,
the lane is still same,
Gotta pay attention to the idiot that talks on the speaker.


This happens when I'm new,
and alone in stupid situation like this.

=.=....

Malaysia..boleh.

I was so thirsty while waiting for the train.
And it was kind of late.
Ahh..
This is just making me so sick of taking trains.


-LOST ALONE-

Just by looking at those words,
just gave me the creeps.
I was imagining these words in my head when I was confused,
and not really sure where i was,
creepy.

Linkin Park's Given Up,
its a nice song. :D
I kinda really like it.
And the touhou has give me many inspiration
on different type of dressings,
and posture of cartoons to draw.

Here's an example,
I'm gonna add some contras in her,
when I have time later.

JW

A mistake

I was out with CL today.
I was feeling so tired today.
I slept late last night drawing a page of manga.
Then today morning i went to the club to play Bball.
To my surprise there was many people playing.
Usually the court is damn empty.
Now it's filled with people.
Me and my bro shared one hoop with another boy.
And then when that boy left. Another boy came.
He asked if he could join us.
I told him we're just aiming.
He says it's fine.
Kinda friendly, not shy at all.
I wish i could be like him.

But if I was him,
I won't even dare to say a word even if i wanted to join badly.

As i said,
I went out with CL today.
We were watching a movie.
Then a message came.
It was from an unknown number,
saying he was my sister's friend,
telling me that he's passing a message to me from my sister.
Saying that she has broke up with her boyfriend,
I don't really care, it wasn't my problem.
I never disagreed before about their relationship.
She also said that I should go online.
I guess so that she could talk to me.
I was quite angry.
Because her relationship with her boyfriend wasn't the problem.
It was her saying those things to me.
And made me actually hate my own computer.
Then after that i couldn't control my emotions,
i just burst out crying.
It was just sad.
Really sad for me.

The day she left for the states,
she didn't even look at me one last time in person.
She gaze over all her friends,
but not me.
It was okay.
That was my sister,
it's her behaviour,
that friends are more important,
she never placed me in the important spot,
even if she ever DID,
I never saw it.

Now she said those things to me,
I couldn't face her anymore,
it just hurts if i ever talked to her again.
Sorry,
but I'm really sensitive in every sense,
especially Family.

Dad told me to chill,
let them handle her.
...
well I maybe will just play that I can't see anything anymore.

Feeling a bit annoyed, just thinking about tomorrow,
I need to get up early again,
then walk all the way to the train station alone.
then walk all the way home alone.

Just bored even by thinking.
And the worry for quizzes that the lecturer will give.
Ahh.. I'm so bored.

Somehow,
I wished \I'm actually back at secondary school.
Really tired,
As i'm growing older,
there are so many things I need to care and think about,
it's just so tiring.

But another way of thinking,
if I don't have anything to think of,
nor anything to do,
It would be like CL now,
waking up to another empty day,
without plans,
just the computer and her,
and the so empty house,
then sleeps late,
or sleep when there's nothing to do.
How boring.
But if i were her,
I'd be busy drawing comics.
haha..
"If"

A drawing I did sometime ago.

JW

The weird begining

School is getting better.
Well.. As i can say.. normal.
Psychology is as hard as it is.
And now we're learning stupid stuff..
Like it was a bio class.
Currently studying about the neuron.
D:

And by the way.
I met many people today at the ktm station.
An old classmate and some other people from inti.
And someone gave me a ride near to the ktm station too.
I guess she wants to know where it is.
And more information about it.
She's really.. kinda.. moody person.
She don't smile much.
Don't joke. ==.. at all.
and drives... scary.
My heart nearly popped out.

Its not that i never sit people that drives speeding.
Its just that. I was sleepy.
And there goes someone that hits the breaks and accelerator suddenly.
Scary.

I'm really tired now.
Gonna sleep soon.
Going to study tomorrow morning.
About the stupid calculus that the lecturer speeded through today.
And psychology notes that really sucks. (messy writings and scribbles)
I don't know what got into me.
But it feels as if. The next day of college will be an exam.
I'm really worried.
EVERYDAY.
I don't know why.
But it's really tiring me.
But at least.. I don't feel a lot of laziness anymore.
I mean. It's there. But not much of it is manipulating me.
.. Great.

I wave at the big goo goo eyes boy.
He either didn't see.
Or he just ignored me..
So sad.. :(
I felt like an idiot that time.
haha..
Maybe he was just trying to get to a seat fast.
So he didnt notice.
But still..
My heart.. broke. T.T
hontoni.. a ho. da..

Freakin.. sleepy right now.
gonnaa... crash.. soon..
A piece of drawing i did after i had my dinner today.

JW

Left behind?

Mum's been fussy about sis.
While I'm nervous about school.
My mum don't really care about me.
She's too busy being angry or.. sad or.. what so ever about my sis.
It feels as if.. as if.. I'm not as important as she is.
Its just my dad that is being supportive to me.
I've never seen this side of my dad before.
But i knew it was there. Just never saw it.

Well at least someone is paying attention to this emo kid here.
I'm..making friends in college.
It's better than i expected.
But my memories still haunts me.
Thanks to those bullies I'm so damn anti social at times.
Still haunting me.

Anyway..
I wasn't suppose to meet the cute big goo goo eyes boy today.
Cuz we don't have the same class today.
When i was walking to the ktm station.
I just passed the my college's front gate.
I was feeling really depressed again.
Because I'm going to see my mum's unhappy face.
I'm just really pissed about this.
Then a gang of boys walked out of the gate.
I didn't look up to see.
Because I doubt it was anyone I know.
Then the cute big goo goo eyes boy called out to me.
XD

HE SAID HI!!

XD yay!!

It really cheered me up for that moment.
At least he didn't walk pass me and pretend he didn't know me.
There are many people i knew does that.
Especially those who just know you.
Happy~ hahahaha.
Come to think of it.
It was just a greeting. ==
Why am I so happy about it.
Well.. its better than nothing! XD
cute big goo goo eyes boy.. :P

nyahahahahhahaha~ he said Hi! XD

I don't really go out much.
So memorising routes are what I'm worst at.
I only learn memorising roads and paths in games.
It kinda helps in the real world I'm in now.
I'm trying really hard to change my emo self to..
A NORMAL girl. =-=
I'm not weird! I'm just.. different.
 Well i did actually made it to the train station.
Eventhough i did.. get lost for a few minutes.
But i still found my way.
phew~*

My drawings sucks this days.
I've been thinking about it.
It must because of my mum's mood.
Kinda ignoring me.
Very faint smile at me.
then goes on like she's pissed at me.
sigh*

It's even more stressful to try to be an attention to ur parents.
Really.. really.
And my mum even told me she wished she never had children.
right in front of me.
I told her before. I don't like to hear that.
It's like its better if I don't exists.
I'm really really sad when she said that.
But I couldn't cry at that time.
Something was holding up.

Then today I just burst out in tears after i fought with my sis.
She said harsh things to me like my mum did.
Like.. outsiders are more important than us.
And threatened me that she's kill herself.
I'm going crazy...
I mean.
I know. She always puts her friends and whatsoever people
in her life infront of me. or my family.
Who am i to her.
I'm just a nobody with blood related to her.
Thats what she meant without realizing she was saying it.
Directly to me.

You know the feeling where you can actually feel.
Really hot and.. cold at the same time.
And you can even feel your heart shiver.
Your stomach feels cold and clenched.
Ever felt that?
I keep feeling that way these days.
Thanks to both of them.

I have no one to talk to about it.
And there they go.
Shooting everything at me.
What did I did to have to face this?
They are telling me.
I'm not as important as I think so.
And they are not My Friends.
They are My Family Members.

... ouch.

As much as this are happening.
I realize. I still try to be part of it.
I still.. try hard to stay strong.
"I'm not suppose to be part of this world"
"I'd be happy if you didn't existed"
"You're just a product of education purposes, give up."
"you're. nothing."

I just feel cold.
and then suddenly hot.
then cold.
I couldn't cry as easy as i used to anymore.
I feel.. sick.
really sick of these.
someone.. give me a shoulder.
not to cry on.
to hide behind it. and cry.

I'm not emo.
I'm just different.
IMME

JW

11 JAN

college started.

and as i have expected.

Another bad first day to start off with.

I just really have problems starting to talk first.

I was afraid that if i talked and they ignored me.

I wonder if that could be a childhood memory that still haunts me.

(Based on what my psychology lecturer said.)

And someone even said that.. i look like i'm from out of the country,

i was like...huh?

And i talked to the guy with the big round eyes.

He's taking Comp Sc too. yay!

But always sits way back of the class.

I wonder if we can be even more better friends..

I also met a boy that has the exact timetable like me.

I find it talking to boys is much easier than talking to girls.

I feel more comfortable.

Cuz when i talk to girls which are new to me.

They either go like...nothing to say.

don't dare to open a topic?

or just.. give me the uncomfortable ... stare of..hum.. hum..

I just read the lecturer notes for the computer sc.

I .. know what its talking about. but.

don't really know either way.

Hopefully. when the lecturer lectures about it.

I understand. If not I'd be doom.

My childish ambition would be gone.

current manga chase:

 Dengeki Daisy

current anime chase:

 Sket Dance

Picture by me.

Effects by me.

Game: sims

custom content.

JW

8JAN

Was having a great day today.
Although i still get pissed easily.

wahahahaha~
anyway. I'm starting college tomorrow.
I saw some post on facebook.
Saying they start college tomorrow too.
Well I'm not that popular among people.
So i don't post stuff like that around.
I prefer to keep low profile.
As much as i like the attention.(i wonder who doesn't)

I just finished fixing a melody for my blog.
I always used mixpod.
But i realize if i don't come to my blog much.
That stupid player won't work.
So i decided to use mp3.
Simple ones.
I found one.
I changed it's embed form.(I wonder if that's illegal)
well i want it to autoplay.
And i switched it's link to mine and the words to : Miao Miao
XD
The link they placed is the website to their mp3 site.
And the words were .. what .. what download more.. music?
Nevertheless, i changed it.
Its annoying to see the link below the mp3 player.
I succeeded. wahahahah~

check out the mug that xiao hei gave me and my new Woodoo Doll..

I name it WooDoo.
And it's a HE.
See the picture on the mug,
thats me on the right, and thats xiao hei on the left.
I think we look like super starts there. XD
(self flattering... self flattering...)

WooDoo is in charge of taking care of my precious mug.

Check out the snow at the Forbidden city at Beijing i was there.

Just light snow. But it was damn cold in there.
And i took this on the plane.
It was.. beautifully.. ARTISTIC.

I like the second one though~
It's like ... someone drew it. wahahahah~
(camera skills camera skills...)

Anyway.. School starts tomorrow for me.
And i'm really really... looking forward to a new environment.
And another thing is.
I'm really really afraid I can't make any friends.
(I suck at being interesting..)
(I can see through people by just seeing how they talk and behave..
That makes it harder for me to mix around)

And  I really like Tasuku Kurosaki(Daisy) in Dengeki Daisy!!!!
(Suddenly changing the subject.)

Anyway I'd tried to work hard this time.
HACKING CAREER. here I come~
(as if I'd work hard. It's hard to control my discipline)
I've been thinking for days about me choosing the right major.
Computer Science. instead of something i love. Animation, digital art.
But I came across today's newspaper about a person who asked the same question,
did he/she picked the right pathway in college.
And then there was another second question to secure his/her thoughts,
"Do you love it enough?"
Wonderful question.
I love digital art a lot.
But not enough to make me work night and day,
drawing mangas, painting beautiful digital wallpapers.
I get really tired and my neck aches and i get sick easily.
I love it. But not enough to let me suffer.
Computer Science. hmm...
hacking... wahahhahahahah~
Yes yes! I'd build the most powerful firewall.
(well at least I have an aim.. duh?)
Oh how childish of me.. It might come true you know!
(Nya...hahhahahahahhahah~)

yea that's how my brain is right now.

I don't know what to await for.

JW

Recent followings

Manga:
 Kimi to Boku
 Dengeki Daisy
 TAL
 Noblesse
 
Anime:
 Nurarihyon no Mago
 Ao no Exorcist
 Bleach
 Bakuman
 Ragnarok

Sudden favourite rythm: Requiem of a dream

Favourite graphic characters:
 Itchigo Kurosaki
 Noctis
 Bossun
 Ei Mae
 Tasuku Kurosaki
 Agito/Akito
 Moritaka
 Yuuta and Yuki
 Shun
 Kaname
 Chizuru
 Cadis Ko'be Etrama Di Raizel (rai)
 Shinwoo
 Nura-kun (Rikuo)
 INUYASHA!!!

The new year..

I haven't been writing in here for awhile now.

(There's a reason of course!)

well... I wasn't having quite a good new year.

I mean.. the day where 12 am strikes and the year changes.

I cried it over the next night.

I realize that night.

I don't usually share my problems with others.

When i think that 'problem' of mine exceeds my pride of maturity.

It was a childish problem to me.

I realize when i hit this type of problems,

I won't go asking to talk to someone about it.

Is stupid.

Therefore, winry sadly sits there crying to herself.

I realize..

I choose to face my own sensitivity and stupidity,

than having others to share it with me.

I will feel even worse that way i guess.

I don't know. I haven't tried.

Some thing felt empty.

It's like.. Something was missing,

something was incomplete.

I don't really know what is it.

But this feeling sucks.

I felt a lot better when my mum was talking to me.

earlier in the morning.

she was talking about my sister then came across about me.

She says that both dad and she agrees i'm more intelligent.

it really cheered me up.

that incomplete feeling was gone just for that moment.

But it's kinda back right now.

Damn.. i really hate it.

anyway.

I was looking for something to do on the net.

Was really damn bored.

I really wish my school starts soon.

So that i have homework to do.

But another thing tells me to delay schooling.

Because I'm not really ready in facing making new friends.

Anyway. I can just keep thinking. 

Time ain't gonna obey me.

I saw the manga Dengeki Daisy.

I haven't read it since i broke up with that shit head.

(He F*CKING STOLE MY STUFF IN MY F*KING GAME!)

To think about it I'm damn pissed.

But then i just read over it again. 

And continued where i stopped.

Aww..

I really like this daisy guy in the person.

Actually his name is named after a bomb.

And mysterious stuff..=o=

I'm so tired to even continue reading.

It felt like its dragging itself.

And the happenings are predictable.

Is just that what kept as a mystery.

Is the only thing i can't predict.

Damn annoying it keeps dragging and dragging.

Like mum say I'm not a person that watches slow dramas.

guess mum's ALWAYS right. XD

When can I draw and digital paint beautifully i wonder... D:

Going to go out tomorrow.

(YES! FREE ME FROM THIS BORING MISERY!)

And I'm going to have to pick a nice gift for Xiao Hei.

She gave me something really precious today.

I'm going to bring it to wherever i go.

Thank you Xiao Hei~

and... COMICs... 

Check out my cute winryDove.

I'm getting so obsessed with my own avatar!

Can you imagine? XD

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT HIM!

Be gone haters~ be gone.

JW