Gloominess on and off

 Every now and then i feel myself falling into some kind of depression. Or ... no im not sure if its depression. It probably is. Self-diagnosed depression - haha.

Every time it happens i try to figure out what's the cause of it.

Well most recently just yesterday actually. I was buying something from Ikea, and turns out it can't fit in our car. I was dreading to call my family to help but they are closer to us. At the time i wasn't sure why i was dreading to call them. I mean they could come and help right?

Anyway I tried calling C, - I will skip the details. The overwhelming feeling is, that the first reaction is not to rush over to help me. Reminded me of the time when i had a very serious period ache while I was in university.

At the time, I drove to school as usual and prior to having lunch with my friends i started having this serious ache. I couldn't even eat lunch.  While my friends were having lunch, I was in the toilet the whole time trying to puke but nothing would come out. I remember squatting in the toilet trying to puke and called my mum. Asking her to come over to pick me up, i need to go home. 

I remember her giving me a lot of reasons why she couldn't come over. For example, whos gonna drive the car i drove back home. I was in so much pain I can't help her to figure such details so I gave up.

I remember leaving the toilet and went straight out of the restaurant with my friends starring at me like i'm some freak. Embarrassing and sick at the same time.

And then i stared into the drain outside i started puking.

I pretty much don't remember what happened. But i do remember waking up in the school library. One of my friend got me a packet of milo and bread.

Horrible horrible experience which is a living reminder of how my family won't be there for me if i need any help.  

C did drove over to help me in the end. I was quite grateful but no help came from my parents for sure. I tried to ignore what C said that gave me the feeling my parents wont be coming over to help. And tried confronting them when i got home to pick up the item C helped me move it back. I talked to mum, and said nobody help me. how.

Her reaction is the exact same as what C ... not sure whats the term to use, she just said mum needs to have her dinner and won't even be thinking to come help. I can imagine if she did come, she probably would be in a very shit mood like, "Why are you so troublesome"

Ever since i moved out, i definitely felt abandoned by them. Yea yea I'm touchy. Too bad, born with it. Teach me how to shut it off. Thanks.

And I tried not thinking about it so much but seems like unconsciously it affected me. I tried to enjoy my Sunday as hard as I could. But i jsut felt so numb. Woke up from nightmares and tried to take a nap in the day because i jsut felt so drained of energy. More nightmares, woke up huffing.

Didn't know it was so serious. I still can't make myself accept the way my family is. Yes it made me feel alone. Which was why i Left in the first place. It felt like i was surrounded with people but surrounded by none at the same time when I was at home.

Now that I've moved out it was better. Only when times like this just reminds me of that pain. That I care. But they don't want to care because they are not willing to feel hurt of me leaving home. Put plainly. Selfish.

Often times I just feel like my parents don't love us, its just an obligation. 

Now I sound childish don't I. 

I kind of understand myself more now that I've moved out. But it's not an easy emotional path for me. I'm trying my best. It gets worse when K and I fight. Because that's probably when i truly feel alone. And start questioning what's the purpose of anything.

Wish there was some kind of switch i can just switch off and be mean like L. Everybody can eat shit - type of attitude. ;P

But I can't. I really wish I could.

-JW

Politics~

 The 15th general election ended. Its a mess, we still do not have a government because not party has enough seats to be government. So here we are still waiting for the result...

I was supposed to go and work out - every Monday evening I join my ex-colleagues for badminton. Unfortunately, my body decided today is the day to sneeze the life out of me. My face hurts, my head hurts and my nose hurts too. I wish i didn't have all these sinuses and crap.

Work was annoying in the morning because my lead decided to change the list of things i need to be doing - again. He's been doing it quite frequently due to us not having fixed task / urgent tasks. I know he wouldn't want me to say this but i also think its because we no longer have a PM to look after our tasks.

Obviously I'm not very happy about how our day to day tasks are now. I used to be 'in charge' of the compliances of our application. But just because I said that I'd like to be trying other things as well he completely stripped me from my obligation on the compliance part of it. 

It's pretty annoying. Its like ive lost an important responsibility, and here I am picking up the small pieces. 

Now I need to decide what i'd like to do for the rest of my evening before I end up doing nothing again because i cant decide !

Well shower comes first, even with this annoying allergy.

After that... Chores, got some dishes waiting for me...

Also this new keyboard is pretty sick - got it off a pretty nice deal during 11.11 on Lazada.

Red switches and there's even silicon and foam inside to help with the noise. Its not perfect but it's a start! I can even change the switches if i want to. So far this switch is awesome. Can't wait to try others.'

I have to add that since i'm back at vlogging I should probably update the state of mind that I'm in.

Ever since I moved out, I'd like to think that I am currently healing, not healed, but Healing. Negative thoughts are still there but at least its under some control. Unfortunately, I've grown very emotionally dependent on the people around me. The slightest negative emotion coming from the person I'm communicating with would put me in a very unhappy mood for the rest of the day, or worse, rest of the week.

I noticed member 3 at home is going through some kind of depression as well. But i don't know if its habit or just.. personality. Member 3 would be easily jealous with what others have or do. Honestly that just tells me that member 3 is just not happy with life. I hope it gets better for member 3 once member 3 moves out. I sincerely do. Sometimes we just grew into adults and have different mind sets as the people we live with. So in order to not fight or have bad memories with each other, i think its better to just live your own life.

Trying to live your own life and be an adult with your own values is not easy. Especially when you have lived your whole life with someone telling you how to think. And i'm just trying to snap out of it. And put myself first. Not being so hard on myself. I guess what i'm trying to achieve is simply... Self love.

I hope i get there one day. To be truly happy.

JW

I'm An Adult Now

 I have my own house now and working towards having investments as well. Being an adult sure is tiring.

Fed Xiao Hong and Belly, Belly seems to be having a good appetite today which is good. Its the monsoon season in Malaysia now, so he's very sensitive to the temperature he isnt able to digest his food quickly so he doesnt get very hungry. But today hes good. Xiao Hong as usual, the glutton she is.

Grabbed my new bag and head out to my car. Took a very unfortunate route to the swimming club to meet my family for dinner. Well its my fault for not being able to get used to driving and getting to places with my car i guess. 

No no no... I have to stop myself there. I said i would be kinder to myself and not have overly achieving expectations for myself.

Rephrase!

It's the app's fault for not letting me choose a route with toll so it led me to a stupid small road of winding and narrow roads. I even got stuck behind a slow snail speed lorry carrying palm oil fruits.

Dinner was a little quieter than usual. For me I'm still in the anxiety of driving so I wasn't in such a talkative mood. Also I havent been doing much the whole day. Didn't feel like doing anything. I had so much on my mind like so many things i want to do but i have not done any.

I'm glad i was brave enough to head out alone to meet them for dinner tho. It made me feel a lot better. At least i didnt just sit at home all day doing nothing. 

After we were done with dinner i wanted to sit a little longer with them to talk but dad was rushing to go home. His reason was that he didnt want me to drive home alone when the sky is dark again. Last night i left quite late to come home from L's place. It was a 20-30 minute drive in the rain. Was kind of scary as i cant really see the lines on the road and glare from the cars were not helping as well.

I tried to ask if they wanted to come over t hang out so i can talk to them a little longer. But as usual the original plans were eat and go home so nothing is going to change that. My family has always been like that flexibility is just not part of their daily lives. Well unless dad decides it. Duh.

Election is over and it feels like we're back to square 1. No party won enough to be the government so they are discussing. Makes me feel like efforts wasted. I was really hoping BN is out of the picture.. Thieves. in broad daylight. Now comes the next worse thing, to be led by religion as your government. We're fucked.

Came home put away some clothes - finally. Did the dishes too. Now what should I do next before my Sunday ends... Finished the season 3 of Demon Slayer anime. Freaking awesome, a little draggy but awesome graphics + animation. 

I want to play video games but i'm afraid at the end of the game i'd feel like i wasted my time. I want to watch a show but can't settle on any. God im so restless. Pick something and get over it!

JW