Forgetting

I've made up my mind to wipe you.
From my feelings, i will make this possible.
I am serious now.

I would rather be loved and love people who really love me.
Than give my love to people who don't deserve it and pushes it away.
Oh yea~ I've finally half awake from this stupid depression.
Depressed?? Over a guy? LIKE YOU?
NOT POSSIBLE.
even if it happened, i'll treat it as my dream.

Talking about dreams, finally i had a dream that doesn't involved blood and gore.
I can't remember what was the dream.
But i can remember drowning. :)

Mum, dad, i love u. XD
Even how pushy you guys get.
I know you guys want the best for me.
i just get angry sometimes when I can't stand it.
Sorry~

For you, the one i've been trying to forget,
getting into trouble.
Don't regret.

JW

The chat

I slept till it was nearly 12 in the noon today.
it sure feels great. Without the feeling of fearing tomorrow's quiz,
tomorrow's exam, tomorrow's class.

Then dota with my bro. It was crazy,
i think I'm kinda of addicted to it again.
Too bad I only remember how to use one hero..
Anyway we won like a boss.
First blood belongs to meeee.

Then I thought KC should be free by now,
he told me he'd be free by noon.
He promised to come find me like 3 days ago.
Then he told me he'd find me by 5pm.
Then the thought saying that, THATS NOT NOON.
crossed my mind.
Oh well it doesn't matter, was a bit disappointed because,
i got this feeling that we won't meet. after that one meeting.

Later on i went to tesco with my bro,
he wanted to get some snacks and mum wouldn't drive him there.
MH grab his stuff and threw it in his basket like a boss.

I was having this annoying allergy attack,
i took a pill then went to turn to on the aircond in my room,
ignoring the thought that my mum would come nagging me about the electric bill.

I think not even 5 minutes passed,
my mum calls for me, and she tells me KC is already in the house,
half eyed open I drag my zombified body down the stairs,
and there he is, the tall... giant friend of mine.

he introduced this korean reality show to me.
it was kind of funny, i laughed till my jaw was numb.

then it was time for him to go home,
i sent him and we chatted awhile in the car.
I think he doesn't want me to go into the house,
for some reasons, i didn't ask, pretended i didn't realize.
then we sang awhile too in the car, i missed the combination of his voice and mine.
and then he talked about my past. about the fight with me and my dad.
i was trying to hold the ugly image away from my mind,
but he demanded to know the details,
i tried to keep the tears forget the fear,
i can't it's still there, my tears came out just after a few sentences.
i laughed and then told KC i couldn't tell him more,
i don't want to talk about it anymore,
thats the reason i locked up this horrible memory,
i don't want to remember it,
but its still there.

its similar to what WP said to me last night,
even he said, he locked up the horrible memory of the girl he suddenly,
out of nowhere, fell in love with.
It's not gone, when the time comes, he will rmember her and the feeling,
to me, seriously i don't know what made him that way or
what the girl did so bad to make him change or what so ever.
i can feel he is hinting me to ask the question, for us to be together,
or so i thought, i don't know, because all these are just in my own head,
my own mind. they are just merely, my thoughts.

but no, to me, it's pointless to be with someone,
who has another person in mind,
who will cause him to act differently any time.
it's not worth for me, to let him know,
that I have feelings for him.
or even if he knows. I don't really care.
it's just that, it's not the right time.

until he completely forgets his ridiculous memory.
I will try to wipe him from my feelings.
try.. And so i have already tried more than half a year to wipe this feeling.

it feels like a nightmare.
reading what he was saying about that girl.
reading about how he feels.
the feeling of mine is un-describable.
i can feel this... heavy thing on my chest, it was so hard to breathe.
so damn dramatic. the feeling is so dramatic

now i know how Cha Chi Soo feels.

JW

아파

i can't breathe.
reading it.
can you hear it.
can you feel it?
can you?

I don't regret going.

Start of with the start of the day of the 14th of December, year 2012.
i couldn't slp the night before.
i was worrying about my calculus.
I was also worrying bout something, something else that i couldn't even name it myself.
Im not sure what's wrong with my head,
but it;s sure damn busy.
I set the alarm for me to get up a  bit early so that i can do some calculus exercise before i go to shchool.
I failed to get up and got up an hour later, well, im not that late anyway.
Went to school around 11am++
Still don't feel right.
I didn't really want to go to the party.
I just feel so...so unhappy.
I just want to go home after the calculus exam.

And i want to avoid spending time with him.
I'm afraid of these feelings.
I can't take anymore of this.
But i promised to fetch one of my friend.
So i had to go.
Or else she will missed out the fun that she had in mind.
And I don't want to be the one to make her miss the fun.

I tried to talk to him in a tough way,
act rough, ignoring him if i can.
It's so hard. -.-

My mood was really really bad that day.
I reached school and found my friends.
Most of them had finished their finals,
so they were watching movies and planning what to do later during the party.
I tried to shut off,
I was able to ignore their talk and focus on the sub topics I dont understand,
but I couldn't help myslef but wonder where is he,
he's not with us. Then I asked Shen. Shen said he went to sit alone in the Hawker Stall.
He is weird. I know. But some how.. Something attracts me to him.
I just wish i could get rid of the attraction.

Then later we went to celebrate 2 friend's belated birthday along with lunch.
My mood turn worse at that time.
I don't know what's wrong.
I just don't feel right.
I was thinking maybe I should pull out.
Tell CC i cant go anymore, i need to do something else or whut.
But then that doesn't sound right.

Worried about what my dad said to me the day before,
telling me maybe I should change my major.
he suggest many majors that I have no interest in.
And he indirectly said that the major i chosen is not good enough.
He's trying to push me to my limit.
I'm not that smart, i have my own ways but not super intelligent.
Can't he understand?

Worried about the calculus exam later.
My hands turned really cold thinking all of these at once.
I was really hungry but they waited to surprise 2 friends that are coming.
I just dont feel good at all.
I think i have a look on my face.
Because my friends all gave me a kind of look.
I just can't pull the frown away from my face.
I was so close to bursting into tears.
I don't know whats wrong.
What Am i doing in my life.
Am i picking the right path for myself.
What would it be like in the future.
Is it as scary as i imagined it to be.
Is it as lonely as I imagined it to be.

I wonder what does he think.
No.
What is he thinking.
Why is he distant himself from me.
When there are friends around.
And he doesn't mind getting close to me.
When nobody else is noticing.
Why.
He can ignore me all of a sudden.
And he can treat me in a way with all the warmth in the world.
Why.

During the surprise, as usual, he makes his distance from me.
Then we return to school. He still keeps a bit of distance even I'm kind of walking behind him.
I always feel uncomfortable when he does this.
Later on we used a empty class in lv9.
We studied there, I can't really study. I was freaking out. i need to relax.
I pushed away the notes and sat near GX.
Whenever he's around.
I always feel calmer.
We chat while Shen and WP studies.
Until the exam.

Well it went well.
Then I was having this headache.
I was having gastric pain.
I need food fast.
I can't really drive.
I was thinking i need to endure.
Getting really woozy. I need a bed and lie down.
Just hibernate there where nobody can disturb me.
But no.
This is reality.
My friends started to gather around and I didn't know there were 5 cars going to my friends party.
I thought, they were boys, im sure they pplanned it out well.
I thought wrong.
We walked out the gates without a plan.
CC was suppose to be sitting my car.
I stood behind them waiting for a decision.
I was getting so giddy and hungry. My legs feels wobbly.
Finally i got fed up and walked to my car.
Then WP made a decision to go with me.
Shen got shock. he asked why. CC can go with me
Wp said. TWO girls at night?
Shen nods.
Then...my plan of making my distance failed.
Completely.
He said, he will drive. I didn't ask anything,
I was so tired. I threw him the keys and went in the car.

4 cars that don't know the route to YY's house.
All followed wrong cars to different directions.
Thinking about it now, its kinda of funny.
And I dont know why YY drives so fast when you are suppose to let ur frens follow u from behind.
But I was getting more and more angry by the minute at that moment.
My temper was coming. I couldn't control it.
Not even if he's with me.
We all got kind of lost,
i kept calling them, (WP's handphone is dead)
And some of them don;t even pick up the bloody phone.
My stomach was so pain.
Well I guess i was kind of used to the pain.

We finally reached the address and it was wrong.
We went round and round and round.
I felt so sccrewwwed.
So pissed.. so tired...so sleepy.
I felt like i could just die right there and then.
But I kept my feelings to myself. I kept quiet.

Finally we reached the house.
And guess what, the soup isn't ready.
The boys cooked while I wait one side trying to relax. walking around the house.
trying to calm myself and my temper.
CC pulls out her phone and does what she does.
N complaint about the oil on her face and hair.
I was all out of energy and my headache is so annoying.
My stomach felt white. I feel like I would vomit anything i eat.
I kept mydistancefrom him.

The night was long and it will be longer.
That's because,
I can;t sleep later on.
Then we start eating.
After that we went to the nearby playground and blow water there.
I sat on the swing. It has been quite some time since I sat on a swing.
While they are all balancing on top of a see saw.
I mean like 8 or more of them all on the children see saw with springs.
Then they asked CC to sit on one side and pretended she was so heavy.
I got off the swing and walked to them they were joking about each others weight.
it was funny because the one being teased will respond in a weird way.

Then they all got off and say they want to start balancing all over again.
They said that they should start with the lighter ppl.
K sat on one side of the Seesaw.
THen someone proposed thtat I sit on the other side.
I walked over and sat we were nearly at equilibrium.
Then they were talking about something, i just spaced out in the middle of the crowd.
Then all of a sudden K suddenly stood up and i drop,
he sat down hard again, i nearly flew then he stood again.
I was being swung. I let out a little scream and grab anything for support around me.
When I realized, it was WP's arm I'm grabbing on.
/.\ when the fuck was he there.

I slowly let go and as they talk i space out again sitting there.
Then K goes again jumping up and down,
i scream again and reach for anything for support,
well Wp was there so i just grab it.
The thing is, he's arm is already raised and ready for me to hold on it.
My nails came out and dug inside his skin.
I was... shocked?
Scared? don't know. just surprised me again.
He said enough enough, Stop. He told K.

Then we played... something call hand ball?
And it later on turned to football.
Because the ground was semi wet, and the ball was getting dirty.
That;s how the blue black got on my foot.
I kept holding on to my pants while running after the ball,
because it was going to fall off.
I regret wearing that pants.

Later, everybody was sweaty and went back to YYs house.
Some of them bath and they said they wanna go for a movie.
So i told them if all of them bath,
We won't make it to the movies.
I wasnt planning to bath yet. Well at least affter the movies.
I'm pretty sure I smell nice.
I mean. I'm very, super, sensitive to smell.
And i know when I smell.

We went out after a few of us bath.
I made them stop walking out the gate,
I asked them to make a decision on who is sitting in who's car first.
They stopped there but don't know what to do.
Then they continued to walk out.
I just let it go, just do what you guys want,
I'm running out of energy.
And I thought i will be able to sleep after the movie.

I wanted to go with Shen.
But then he went to YY's car with N and WP also headed there.
Then the car was kinda full.
So i stood there awhile and turn around and head for EH's car.
With B and CC.
Then all of a sudden. WP makes his way to EH's car too and asked B to go to YY's car.
Then off we go.
Yet again, YY's sped off to the mall.
While we are the ones who don't know the route stayed behind.
Luckily CC kinda knows how to go.
I gave N a quick call and asked for directions.
She was.. kinda in some kind of panic attack.
She was talking weird.
Anyway we made it to the mall.
And was picking parking, we went around and the back of the mall.
There were rubbish at the sides,
a docking area and some spoiled trolleys at the side.
It was so damn quiet and looked dangerous.
The funny thing was we continue to drive through and thought it was a circle, and we could circle back.
We thought wrong. We ended up at the exit and the machine wouldn't let us out.
There was a big sign on top of the machine saying no free entry or something.

Finally EH parked near the docking area and near the entry.
It wasn't really the main entry.
Basically we are at the backyard of the shopping mall.
We went in and told YY to buy the tickets first.
Then when we reached the cinema's entrance.
They were not there.
EH gave them a call.
The shocking thing is, they say they were at the entrance of the cinema too.
The problem is we don't see them.
I rolled my eyes.
My temper was rising again.
This wouldn't happen if he waited. and dont drive so fucking fast.
It's so late, its not safe for a group to separate like this.
The mall was quiet. Shops closed expcept for some pub and the cinema.
WP went to ask the cinema workers wwhere are we.
I wondered if the people gave him a weird look or anything.
We're in a mall and he asks where are we.
They said IoI mall.
YY said they are in IOI mall too.
Same cinema. Entrance... different?
We later found out there are 2 entrance.
And finally entered the cinema.

It was so creepy.
Wanted to ask CC to go toilet with me. But then WP called out for me and disappeared out the cinema.
I wanted to go in and call CC, YY ask me to go with WP.
But when I went out, I don't see WP but heard his voice nearby.
I turned out the corridors and rushed in the ladies.
There was a tall black guy waiting outside the ladies.
It was. SUPER scary.
I finished my business and rushed out trying to remember where is the cinema I went in.
Finally found the seat near CC.

I purposely wanted to sit with WP.
It felt like there arent anymore chances like this.
So i just took it.
And it felt like i should sit there.
So I saw CC and the rest sitting on one row.
I head up to another row where YY was sitting.
It was so comfortable and with my headache.
I was kind of falling asleep.
It was kind of hard to find the seat.
it was dark, and none of my friends seated saw me tried to indicate they were sitting there.
Anyway probably me being sensitive.
When WP and EH walked in.
My heart was beating, and i kept repeating in my head.
WP sit beside me sit beside me.
WP always sits in the middle of friends,
he doesn't like sitting at the side.
I click my phone and the light sprays out and wave the phone at them.
WP sat beside me. Then my heart settles again.
And i was falling asleep.
My stomach feels white and sleepy and headache.

The movie starts,
i let down my hair and he asks me if my head was itchy. LOL.

my eyes are just so tired. they closed by themselves half way.
Then a loud noise came out and i pop my eye lids open.
I was so... sleepy. my eyes are sore and freakin cold.
The epic moment starts soon.
I realized that WP was sitting very close to me.
super close.
Maybe he's not used to sitting at the side where nobody is there,
so he leans over to me more.
He's shoulder is so close to me head,
i kept controlling my head not to lean,
then suddenly a thought came through and,
it said, this is a freakin chance,
just take it dont think just do.

i poke his arm and ask if i could lean on him
He says oh.
I lean and i can smell his sweet scent.
Yes i always liked that scent.
I think i'm kind of a pervert. =.=
My eyes closed itself, it was so comfortable.

I was afraid and kind of regret asking to lean on him,
i was afraid he wasn't comfortable with it.
but then he asked if he should sit higher for me to lean.
i mumble in respond. no energy.
feel.. dead.

I felt something touched my head but too tired to respond.
I wonder what was it.
It was kind of scary.

I kinda seeped his drink.
was so thirsty couldn't help it.
and he was okay with it.
Or so he looked like he's ok.
I don't know I can't read his mind.

he moved a bit and my head shoots up straight and leans on the cinema chair.
half eye opened watching the movie.
then i need to lean again i lean back on his shoulder,
lucky he was still there, same pose.
i needed support for my head.
that was when i realize my teeth was hitting each other.
I was wondering what's wrong.
then i realize i was cold.
the cinema was REALLY COLD.
he felt my tremble and asked softly if i was cold.
i forget what i responded. I only remember i was really blur.
after awhile he took off his jacket and gave it to me.
i took it and ask him to tell me if he's cold.
he grunt in respond.
i placed his jacket on my legs.

Then i continue to lean on his shoulder.
it felt really good. i wasn't able to sleep.
i couldn't, im enjoying the moment.
this is one in a million and it will never happen again.
it felt so sad and happy at the same time.
i continued to tremble and he felt it.
that was when he asked the most epic question.
the first time i felt my heart nearly falling out from my heart.

"Do u want me to hug u?
If its ok with u.."

i was shocked. i immediately got up and stare at him.
Trying to think really fast with my blur brain.
I quickly responded.

"are you ok with it?"

i laughed as if it was a casual question.
and continue to lean on my seat.
and thought for awhile, was what i heard real?
LOL
Calming myself down and worrying he would hear my heart beat.
I focus on the movie.
my adrenalin continues to pump into my head.
then i slowly got sleepy again.
then automatically leans on him.
i was trembling a lot. couldn't control the tremble.
he grunts and suddenly pushes me away, raises one of his hand
and asks me to lean on his chest, he says its warmer that way.
i took the suggestion straight away and lean on his chest.
so bllur, so blur i even wonder now did it really happened,
i can smell his sweet smell even more,
i wished time would stop there
for the first time, it felt so dramatic and for the first time i wanted the time to stop.

then when the movie was about to end,
i sat straight and watch it, while telling some small details of the movie to him.
the movie ends and we went home, walking out slowly of the cinema,
the mall and to the parking,
i want time to stop, it felt so good.
just being near him, feels so.. good.
but i know it will never be mine to hold.
so i appreciate what i can see and take chances being threw to me.

we went home and played cards,
while one by one we went to bath.


[TO BE UPDATED](1)

i think I'm the only one who has taken the most things into the bathroom with me,
among everyone else.
because CC gave me a kind of weird look.
I just giggled at her.
I came prepare.
I needed those stuff. I won't just simply plash some water on me and then get out.
If not whats the point of taking the bath?
I think I was the longest in there too.
CC asked me what I was doing in there.
I smiled in respond.
Then joined them with the caards.
I kept my towel on my head. it was really wet.
We played a game call "Lie".
It was really fun. Fun only when you lie all the time,
and if you don't, well you most probably win and it will be boring.
I won 2 times, and that was it I started playing silly,
purposely lying even when I have the cards,
it makes it more exciting that way,
rather than being so honest, I just lie my way through,
and thats when I never win again. XD

Later when EH went to bath, YY made noodles,
The sccent was so alluring, and I think i was hungry,
it felt weird. So i asked if i could take a few bites.
of course he let me.
then CC ate some too. It was so fun.
I took one spoon full after another,
i was so hungry. untill CC warned me to stop.
it was YY's noodles.
I laughed and push it back to him.

I think it was 4am++  already,
YY was the first one to fall asleep on the floor near us playing the cards.
Then CC went to sit aside, then we say its time to sleep.
It was 5am++ i think.
EH and Shen went to the couch near the sliding door next to the front door.
CC , WP and me shared a couch near the kitchen.
I sat there, while WP wrapped up like a mummy sitting awkwardly between me and CC.
He closed his eyes. I stare around myself unable to fall asleep.
That's when I start noticing many things. Like the light is still on,
YY looks cold on the floor, CC looks uncomfortable,
Shen and EH crammed together in the same small couch.
Soon Shen moved to the floor along with a pillow next to that couch.
I searched around for my panadol, turn off the lights for them. placed my jacket over CC's legs,
place a blanket over YY. Then I sat back down beside WP.
He didin't move at all. Still the same pose, I assume he slept.
Then I stood up again and unplug my phone from the kitchen.
then sit back down. supprisingly WP is still awake.
He started playing games on my handphone as soon as i placed it beside him.
I sat beside him, eyes wide, i was soon falling asleep then suddenly my own phone's screen flashed,
and i pop open my eyes and saw WP still playing games on my phone.

[to be updated](2)

Memories

For the first time in my life.
Being alone, it doesn't feel stupid.
Not anymore.
Reading on how CL's bf treats her in one of his tempers,
just reminds me of how complicated a relationship is.
Especially when you meet a person where his attitude doesn't fit.

Yes, being alone doesn't feel stupid anymore.
And i remember when I was together with you,
How stupid I felt, swallowing the tantrums you throw at me.
Engulfing the wrong that you push to me.
Yes.. how stupid I was.

JW

My fetish

I realized i love it when people try to read my emotion on my face.
Rather than me talking so much and people who thinks i'm trying to be dramatic.
And for this YH.
You had your chance, i gave in my feelings for you.
Cried for you. Understand you. Cope with your stress.
Even when I'm also in stress studying and going through a hard time.
I got sick of your old school consolation.
It annoys me. Because after you console me,
you start to act as if you did what you should now I
have to repay back what you did in 10 times.
Example, I was trying to write a program when I don't even know
how to program. You come and say everything is alright. I can do it.
Blah blah blah. Then, you find something to fight about,
example, me going out with friends. Then you get angry and crazy.
And make me the one to console you the other way round.
You say you're a man? Sorry, you're a kid. A child. Who is selfish.

I was trying to write this shit program and you make so much noise?
When i don't even care to look at the phone. You start sending cursing messages to my phone.
Just to see my phone flash gives me the pressure.
You don't stress me out?
YOU STRESS THE HELL OUT OF ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
If i continue to ignore you,
you will start talking about how poor your family is,
how sad your life is,
but you never once said you would think of a way to solve it.
Self pity is not a way to solve things, KID.
You blame your father, you blame your mother,
you blame your sister, you blame your brother,
this is not what a man will do.
I've never hear once that you will say that you were wrong.
You think you are so right, everybody on earth owes you.

"I tried. You didn't I'm done."

This was sooooooooo in my mind,
i got this from facebook.
I tried to cope with the stress you pressure on me
plus the stress from my school.
then again you tell me all about your work stress and
how your future is so dull.
I understand, i said i can cope.
You said we were of different worlds,
you should have not said that,
because to me whatever is said cannot be taken back.
This is not a game for a kid like you,
whom speak words only for your own comfort,
or saying it just to make you feel better.
This is not a theater, not a drama,
there is no script to it,
where you just say the words and get over it,
everything said will be printed in my head,
and judge as what type of person you are.

This is not a game,
when i say it's done, it's done.
You make me so helpless,
so helpless I couldn't think of anything to do.
I judge you wrongly.
You weren't the man I actually saw.
You were a girl hiding behind your mask.
You don't want to wake up on how cruel your world is,
you say i'm strong, you can't be like me.
When you say you can't, you meant that you don't want to.
Because it's tiring, it's difficult.
Then heed this again,
you're not a girl,
you're a man. If you continue to hide from everything the world has to bring to you,
you will be a girl forever,
you will stay like this forever,
if you had children,
they will be like you,
they won't fight for a future.

Now it's all over,
you can't get over me.
You regret the words you scream in my face.
You said before, that I think that you don't have the rights to be my boyfriend,
But that was all you saying,
I've never even said once that I think you have no rights,
you have no class,
yes now after what i SAW,
the part of you,
screaming,
shouting,
I understand, and I agreed to what you said.
Never put bad thoughts into people's mind,
especially me, I keep them. For verification later.
You kept sending me messages,
but I can tell you, the more you do this the more I can see
how desperate you are. Sorry my compassion has been eaten,
digested by you,
long ago when we were what we were.

Enough is enough.

I'm telling you,
You have no more chance, understand that.
So stop sending more and more messages to me.
To let me know that I'm still in your mind,
I have to be crude.
And yes, i'm sticking to my decision of BREAKING UP.
 Everytime i think of the things you did and said.
I am glad it is over.

OVER AND OUT.

JW