JULY 31

ToT I missed the MTV world stage event!!! T0T

I remembered last year me and KC were die trying to get into the finals of my School's Singing Idol Competition. But both of us failed though. This year, i slimply sang to them and they picked me in as the 10 finalist == I have marching and dancing ... On the same day. I wonder if the singing will clash. If it does clash, I will either have to go earlier than the marching thing or later. Though I'm really glad I made it in. This means I have improved alot since last year. But KC is still the same..I warned him not to listen to the others telling him to sing that sing. He didnt want to listen to me. It always happens this way. Then he end up unable to enter the Finals.

Thx to those weirdo's KC can't enter the finals. Anyway, is him that didnt want to listen to me. Because he have mental problems towards me and he didn't realized it only. Everything I said to him is like being filtered away, same goes to my other 'friends'. But Lucky there's Daisy and life still is great.

I suddenly remembered me and Xiao Hei going down to the big drain near by the Train station. It was really big and cooling down there eventhough the sun was shining really brightly and in the afternoon. To me it was a place to hide if I'd ever run away from home. But Daisy said if I'd ever ran, I could come over to his house to stay, but that'd be trouble for him. I really have to collect the money and give him back, as fast as i can, I really don't feel comfortable at all.

Nearly got knocked down by a stupid lady in her ugly car when I was cycling to CL's house with my bag pack behind my back. She even rolled her eye ball on me. Aiyaya! She's the one in the wrong lane! She must be drunk! == I'm going to hunt for her car tomorrow! Flat her tyres! Lol.. But I don't even remember her stupid number plate. I just remember how her darn car looked like..

I still haven't made up my mind what to sing on that day. Suddenly afraid of losing. So many of my friends looking forward to see me win this. Swt..TW said he grabbed his knuckles and rammed his elbow backwards and said, YES!when he heard my name being stated in the list of finalist in the School Idol. It was during the morning talk.

I'm catching up with my studies now. With CL's help, this is going better I think. And I hope so.

I WANT TO SEE TOKIO HOTEL AHH!!!

I promised Daisy not to try to be them but I think I still can be a looney fan of theirs.
I think I'll miss dancing by next year. Hmmm...
Still dislike SiY.
Miss the friendship. Realizing they're not really true. I was in my dreams all along.
Wonder Girl's english sucks == no offence...
If ghosts exists, there should be angels too right?
Currently following a manga, Black Bird and Elfen Lied. =D
Awww... I miss KW and KK... T-T we used to go to the cc together with han and jie de leh... I wonder how they are.. It's really fun playing cards with them and wrestling with them and watching anime's with them until we fall asleep in the living room. Playing PS early in the morning until we go out to have morning tea. Daisy is right about another thing, true friends are people that will stand out to help you when you're in trouble. None of my friends did that though.. Except CL lo.. She's been great. Everytime I tell her about my problems, she will instantly start thinking of an idea to help me. Xiao Hei's just a great listener and a human to accompany but she's great too.

ROCK ON!

JULY 30

Why are you guys treating me like this? What did I do? This isn't fair! When you guys need me you just use my symphathy and take it fro granted. Ignoring what I say is what you guys are best at doing. Filtering the things I say, needing help but not getting any, this is just great. Thx for the great help.

I miss the time we had together. Feeling so envy of others that hold the bond of groups of friendship so strong. While I was left out. This proved. When we were still 'friends' then, i had this feeling left out feel. I was right.treating me in such away. This life sucks!

Crowd cheering, seems like they liked my way of singing. Hope I dont get into the finals or that'd be trouble.

I'm afraid of losing anything.. That's it.. I'm greedy and selfish..

JULY 22

Happy birthday Jiawen.
You've turned 16~

Hoping so much to go to the stupid MTV World Stage thingy.. T-T

I'm cool~
I'm great~
I'm a jerk~

I feed myself Lies
With words left unspoken.

_JW_

-Twenty- JULY 21

SUN

I was really glad he came. Along with his funny friend. But friends can't really get along with him and I know deep down they really hated me for bringing him along. But I don't really care though.. I just want to see him. Then maybe think of what will happen at school later.

I caught ZE staring at my daisy. Pretty annoying though. I know daisy look really gentlemen, but don't stare at him and think no one is looking. She used to boast abt her leng zai bf too. About how he loved her and drives her around with an expensive car. But no one ever saw her with any boy. She lives in her fantasy. Which annoys me too. Basically, the whole package of her annoys me.

MON
Piano class, as usual I know I didn't prepare my song well. So i smiled at my teacher before each song. I think she didn't liked me smiling like that. She stopped me from playing my second song. She asked me to look at her.(I always hated that, asking me to look her in the eye. Because I know she wants to tell me how I suck. again.) It's not like I don't want to know about how I suck, I hate that feeling. I want to change. But saying is easy. To make it come true isn't as easy as saying. She told me I disrespect the piece of music I was given to train on. I didn't like the sound of it at all. Then she also asked me about the poeple around me, the way they looked at me. How did I felt. I know there are a few people in my class that looks down on me. But what can I do..

I can't control their minds either. Teacher then asked me, why did they looked down on me. For one damn sure reason is my grades aren't as good as them. The other is, I don't do homeworks. Because some homework is just a waste of time doing it. When I think of it, they way they try to ignore me, the way they treat me as an invinsible human. Just hurts. alot more than I expected. My 'friends' aren't as true as they seemed to be. So all along I was right. I was alone. In everything, while they accompany each other on everything. I was independent in another way. But this is lonely.

TUE
I was starting to think. Am I being a road block to daisy in his studies. I think I am. even to myself, my own studies. But I hate the fact that if I ever need to part with him. I thought to be stronger, but in the end I just got weaker. The promise I made might just break. I didn't mean anything. I realize I was lonely. Very lonely. And start to think of everytime I write about my life happenings, no matter facing a computer or my diary. I will start crying to myself. Feeling stupid but not sorry. Life isn't easy. Much more harder life for others comparing with mine. But I rather stay poor or un educated to exchange with friends and family warmth. Much more warmth to keep me from harm. I'm greedy. Teacher also says I'm not honest. Yea so what.. I hide the things I shame from admiting. So what. At least it helps me feel better of what I've done.

Hiding from the world is Me.

JULY 09

Last Fri I entered a Chinese society singing competition audition, I was in for the finals. Really happy. To him is nth. But I liked it so much I tell him abt it. He seemed like don't wanna hear about it. ... But at least TW was there to support me.

Today was the finals. I couldn't remember the lyrics for a while because I saw the judges singing along, (The judges is not from our school this year, they invited special guest. Which is a local chinese singer and a local tv station poeple). But then I caught up. swt... I saw teachers smiling, maybe they caught me shaking. Despite shaking like that, At least TW was there to support me in a kinda way, I felt better that he was there. That's maybe he is kind of my idol. Dance icon. haha.. eventhough I seem nothing to him. He said I sang alright. But I really felt bad I had forgotten the lyrics there. My classmates was there to support me, all boys .. haha.. they're good friends much more true than girls, before I got up to the stage they called me 'little leng lui" in chinese then followed by my name. haha.. I felt happy and scared in the same time.

I looked into one of the teacher's eyes and sang to her. She smiled even wider after I did that. Then I looked away still carrying the emotion of the song. A sad face. I planned to move around. But I was stiffed when I got on the stage, I didn't know it'd be this pressured. TW kept snapping pictures of me when I was singing. == It kind of comforted me. lol.

The judges seemed to like my friendly appearance. lol 4 of them smiled really happily.

F was there. After I sang, TW quickly put the camera somewhere he got it from then he sat near me, asking me was I really shaking. I was... I admited. Really scared. ~,~

But at least I started showing some movement nearly at the end of the song.(hands) haha..

F said, I turn the whole chinese song like an english song. And that I kicked the original singer away, and made it my own whole version. Really happy hearing that after I felt bad forgetting the lyrics. Many asked why I chose this song. I told them I don't listen to chinese songs much. So I don't really have much choice.

TW said I seemed really nervous and forgotten the lyrics but overall its really nice. Then I kind of goofed around with him like I did in MidValley after teacher's day performance. He pincehed me because I said something he didnt like. Then he kept laughing at my funny reaction. He seemed to be enjoying it. lol. then i hit him back then used a paper to block me face from his view. His pressed his hands on the paper infront of my face. I cant see him. so I reached out and mess with his head. =,= but my hands were kinda short. So i can't really get a grip on him. I realize I really liked playing with him. It's fun! lol. But too bad..

I thought OSY was going to sing much better than me. But she over did it. She looked so confident. She looked perfect. People calls her leng lui. Yea I don't have anything like that. He was right.. I'm stupid and no look no figure. I'm nothing. It was cruel to say that to me. But he didn't care. I am not him. I can't be. Respect me please. Accept who I am. Live with it or forget me. My life isn't really nice and you're making it worse when you think you are helping me to be more strong. I can't. Let it be. You hurt me more than cheer for me more. You only hear what you want to. I'm not a machine. If others say that to me hell to them. But you cannot. Cause you are special don't you get it? Don't take this for granted.

I thought TW likes to see OSY sing. But it turned out not like what i expected. But he putted her on his crew for the hiphop idol. Sad.

Then later when I was walking home. The twins of my school and some friends accompanied me home. ~
ZY said: My friend said you sang really good, she didn't hear you sing before this was the first time she heard you sang. She said it was really good. You really did good. I will support you!

Twins guys : Its good.( they usually dun say I'm good) You gave people the feeling to want to hear more not like the other participants. [oh wow it was good then good good he said that]

JY: we nearlly forgotten about you, but when we rmbed, we voted our votes for you. :)

I was kind of sad in another way. My 'close' friends didn't come to see me sing. This feeling is nothing good at all.
SY
KC
VH
CL
where were you guys when I need comfort. I need to be in my comfort zone. But you guys weren't around when I needed it. What are friends for. 反而, the friends that are not really close to me supported me.

This didn't feel good at all.

I went home. Smsed him. He called. We chated. he made it kind of worse actually.. He was telling me once again who I should be and he could change me. Saying stuff that stabs. Really wanna watch the movie with him. He treated it like I didn't asked at all. He just planned to see me awhile in the morning. Then leave. And not to come back later to see me again..

.. another day.. another way.. where to find that sunny gaze.. that I was awaiting always.. -JW-

JULY 03

I went out with CL to meet a friend of mine that I knew since I was in form 2. I was kind of the commander of the marching team. He was one of my marchers. He and some other marchers call me 'Tou Fu Fa' which is a sweet tofu.(Food)

He has grown awfully tall since I last saw him. (2 Years) Still really thin. Still Friendly. Still calling me Heng Dai. lol. He treats me nearly like a boy. His boy buddy.
When we were eating some food and a boy ran into the restaurant we are in. Then he sat in the other table kept staring at VH. I asked him if he know the boy. He glance at the boy and say no. Then a lady came in. She talked to VH. Then I know that that's his mum. The little boy is his little brother.

His brother said that I eat very well mannered. Lol.. I stunned and look at VH. Using my eyes to tell him, ARE YOU SURE?? Me worh~ lol

Then when VH is talking to CL. His bro keep staring at me. So i used one of my gazes and gaze at him. He gaze back at me. I smiled and ignore him continue to eat my dessert. Then he suddely say his bro is very thin. I say ya lo. then he say, " You also very thin. Hen ngam my bro." lol..

He talks like a little old man.

JULY 02

I had my Grade 6 piano exam today. IT was kinda better than what I expected. hhaha...
Then later we fetched Michelle and Paulie from their friends house to ours. Plus their mum. Uncle Peter can't come cuz he has to work back at the States.
We had fun the whole day. And I was really tired. MY head was really pain. The whole day. Then I also brought Michelle and Paulie to our school. Paulie felt wierd because all of the students are looking at us. He asked us if he should wave at them, all of us said no dont do it! He raised his hand and wave at them. It was really embarrasing but fun. I kept laughing at him as I walked futher away from him.
My results came back. And I was really dissapointed myself at my own results... Like Daisy said. You have to work for it if You want good results. No point sitting there waiting for the answer that doesn't come out.
_JW_

-Nineteen- JULY 01

Last day of the Koperasi Day. I stayed back for duty. Me and my friends went to KC hse. I don't really remember how does it looks like inside. I saw his granny, his lil' cousin bro and his mum. Plus her boyfriend. My friends had lunch there while I help KC out with the washings from school.
KC kept asking me if I want to have lunch. He even wanted to make me noodles. I said I don't want. Doesn't really feel right eating in other family's house.
Then later he pour something wierd tasted liquid for me to drink. He say His granny says it's good for health. It tasted horrible. I told him not to make alot for me. Instead he made a big glass for me and him. == I forced myself to drink it all. But after awhile it doesn't taste that bad. KC kept telling me to swallow the whole glass down. My mouth isn't that big so I ignored him. As I was about to finish my drink. SY walked into the kitchen meeting me and KC. She asked what am I drinking. Before I can answer. KC answered for me. SY wanted some too. But KC say, you won't drink it de la. Come come go out go out. He pushes SY out to the dry kitchen where the other friends are eating. I finish my drink and followed them out.
We later walked back to school and to add this: [XX] is being an asshole again.
_JW_