Period pain is so weird

It's hurting more than the pain.

I can't believe it myself but my tears is flowing more than when I'm in actual physical pain.

This is just dumb.

Getting mad over small things. But this is how I'm feeling right now.

Left the turtle lamp on so I don't feel so lonely..

Turtle rush

I've been wondering, by starring at my turtle constantly swimming at one corner of his tank. He knows he's not getting out that way. But he just keep swimming at that direction. He stops once in awhile to breathe and then continues.

I thought about myself. If I know doing something will never work I won't do it at all. I won't even try. 

So now I wonder does my turtle has such determination and that I should have the same determination too despite him being so cowardly at times. (I mean he's scared of a lot of things but he doesn't give up) or he's just plain simple minded. 

Oh turtle. I wonder what he's thinking. 

JW

Done with the tantrum crap

If it's 3 minutes he can't wait. Let's not think about 10.

Talking to a friend and that makes him angry let's not think about talking to a rival.

Impatient and bad tempered. 

If I haven't even show my tempers how dare he.

Now I'm done holding in my temper seriously done. I thought this is it. No it's not. Some one else must be better than who he is. There must be. If there isn't. Fine alone it is I don't care. 

Doesn't even care to ask if I'm hurt. 

Doesn't even care to know what I was asking because it was regarding his shit and he doesn't think so.

Thinks I'm selfish he is even more.

Thinks I'm like a princess well he's pampered like shit. Can't take stress like a man. Gets sick or unhappy or grumpy when he has to face stress. 

Always finding for loop holes in everything. That does get him through what he's facing but the future? Not so.

Irritating face he has when he's not happy. I envy how people can be in a relationship for 5-6 years. Maybe distance does make a difference. But what if you get married. There's no distance there. It will get worse then. 

I can't stand another year of this shit unless he wasn't the way he is. Too many times I've complained and he waved it away. Mistrusted him.

I feel violated. Dirty. Disgusting me.

Jw

Update on ME.

"Hold your breath,
Cause you've taken mine..Away...

You can give it back.
On another day.

Have you notice?
Two plus two,
Doesn't equal four.. Always.

So count me in,
You can count me in.
As you breathe it in...

Just give me the world,
And I will give it back to you.

Just tell me it hurts,
And I will fix it for you."
(New Empire: Give Me The World)

Lyrics are just lyrics,
You can't hope for something you will never get.

I guess I should just stay on my path and focus.
Stand straight and no one gets hurt.

What's not yours, Will never be yours.

I try to be happy whenever possible.
But when it doesn't feel like it.
It kinda sucks.
Pretending, This feeling...
This feeling. I feel like i need to stand on top of a mountain.
And breathe in the wind that will hit me.


Recently!
I found this guy Taemin, his new solo Danger.
Wooooo that guy is HOT!
And what I didn;t know is,
he was from SHINEE
And he was the guy I liked from Hello's MV.

He was so girly now he's so MAAAAN..

How I wish I had flawless skin like these Koreans do LOL.

And hey hey~ My eyebrow is back to normal yo~

I nearly cried when i mis-shaved it hahaha.
I was thinking, OMG I need a freaking undo button RIGHT NOW.

Well things aren't going well in my Stats class so is my Management class.
Oh well, gotta suck it up or sulk for nothing.

*beats chest* hup hup!
I can do this! Yes I can!

Wen

How's Life

Finally my 3 weeks holiday. Though one week has already ended.

I started learning to use eye shadows and stuff. It's really a pain lol.

Though I will try to get comfortable with it.

I always think I look better without make up but then I get really jealous when I see girls that are good with make up while I'm not.

Current cgpa : 3.897

4.0 i will get you soon!

Miss shaved one of my eye brows. Feels sad lol.Can't get any beauty stuff right.

Though I still like to think I look pretty.

After washing away all the crap on my face.

JW

Being strong

I'm okay ... I'm okay... I'm okay...

...

...

...

You know what? 

I'm not okay after all...

Wen

Things I think about when I can't sleep 1

I realized that he doesn't really appreciates when I tell him everything revolving my life. 

He doesn't really pays attention. And he doesn't does the same to me telling abou this life.

So I recently stopped telling him about what happened about recent things that I encountered. 

He hasn't noticed yet. But the. Again who would notice. I'm such a fool waiting for stupid things to happen.

Anyway I recently realize he doesn't appreciates my presence while he can see me every day.

I feel like it isn't fair for me. Because I never take someone's presence for granted but he does and he doesn't realize it.

Until something happened today then he started giving me the attention he used to give me when we were still friends or fresh couples. I'm sad that he acts this way. Is there no one who would appreciate me even they could see me every day? 

Wen 

All alone

Impatient.
Ill tempered.
Inconsiderate.
Vengeful.

If there is a chance where I get to get away from all this. I will do it. And I don't think I would get myself involved. Ever again.

It just pains me to feel how could someone do something so small, and is able to affect me in such a big portion of my emotions. I hate it. It feels stupid. Why can I be controlled so easily. It's not fair. Why am I always the sensitive and weaker one. Never once it felt like it will work out.

I'm counting down. The times something like this happen. It's not the first time already and I will remember it.

The worst of all, I'm in a situation where I couldn't turn to anyone. I don't know who to turn to. Who could talk to make me feel better. I'm too selfish to actually turn to anyone because I know none of them can make me feel better. I'm selfish. But yes, I rather keep this in my heart than talk it out to feel 'slightly' better. I don't want to feel a bit better.
I wan to feel better completely.

As this goes on, I only learn more that in this world if I don't pity myself, or make myself feel better, no one can and no one would. Sadly, this is my life. I can't let myself fall and whimper over stuff like this.

But playing the tough one all the time is tiring. Just so tiring.

I don't know how to feel better. I'm stuck. ...

-Wen

Holiday time!

Indeed its my holiday now but i still get nightmares and it really bugs me.
I don't really remember all of them but I do remember those that are recent and was still stuck in my brain.

This dream isn't really a nightmare but I felt really stressed out.
So it seems we have a sleepover at a place where all the college friends I met back in INTI are there, only the people I've seen before and not know as friends. In fact the friends I knew at INTI are not in the dream.
I felt really bored out and was walking around in the dim surrounding. We are in a house, I start to realize it was my grandfather's house. The lights were dim and most of the places are dark. I started searching for my sister, because only she has the key back home. Mum and dad are not at home so the only way to go home is with my sister.
As i was searching for my sister, I met one of her friend which i don't remember how he looks like.
I ask him if he has seen my sister or not.
I didnt remember how he responded but I know it was something very rude. I said something rude back at him and continue to look for my sister.

After a countless time of walking through some mist and dim rooms filled with people who are talking and I couldn't concentrate to what are they saying, I finally went out of the house and found my sister who is standing by the bikes at the front porch.

I ask her if she wanna go home soon. She said she is leaving but not going home.
"What about me?" I asked.
"I don't know." she said.

I don't remember what happened after that. But I woke up soon enough.


The next dream is about zombies.
As I fell asleep I woke up in my dream. I was back at my old house. The one that hasn't been renovated.
I look around myself, there were boxes and bags that are packed and some dust around the table I used to use.
I got up and went down stairs, I see my mum packing as well. It felt like we weren't coming back ever. Feels like we're going somewhere really far. As I was about to exit the house I see many people wearing full black clothing walking towards our house. There was also a lady with white short hair walking towards our house and she seems to be leading them.

I don't remember what happen after that. But i remember what happened when I was about to wake up.

We were walking all as a family along with that white hair lady. We were all holding our bags and I was walking side by side with the lady. While my family walks behind us. We were in a mall. In the mall I know, it was 1U.
I seemed to feel really close to this lady it felt like I know her for quite some time now.
"I wish we would come back here together. For a movie. As friends." I said while choking on my own tears that are soon to emerge from my eyes.

The lady in white hair looks at me and smiles. It was really weird to see her smile because she looked really cold from when I first saw her in my dream.

We finally reached a different section of the building and it was darker than it was in the previous section of the mall. There were people around us, they weren't walking around. They were just standing by the sides of the lane. Starring at us. Looking lifeless with their bodies and limbs looked like they were about to pop out any moment.
I stuck close to my brother. as my parents went head of both of us to join the white haired lady.

We are going up the stairs now. Many of those limp looking humans are close to us. We reached a junction on the stairs where one is to continue going up the stairs and one is to walk straight. I couldn't see well, it was too dark. I saw my brother going up the stairs and thought I saw the lady going up too. I yelled for my parents and went up as well. As I finally reach the ending of the stairs, it was a dead end. and saw my brother standing there horrified because we were surrounded by them. They look like they were about to charge at us any moment soon.

As I was about to pull my brother down the stairs. One of the dead looking woman said.
"Take off your slippers boy."
My brother does as he was told. After that i start charging down the stairs.
"Boy faster." I said to my brother signalling him to follow me.

As I descend the stairs I suddenly realize the surroundings were very quiet. Nobody was around. I stood in the middle of the stairs started to day dream and suddenly I woke.

This next dream is the most recent one and I couldn't remember anything about it. It was still in my head this morning. It's gone now. It was about cannibals.

I think I was there seeing human eating human flesh but don't remember what actually happened. I just know I was really disgusted.

JW